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Chad likes Dallas as much, if not less, than I do.
“I didn’t punch Dallas. With me there, he lost interest in Emma and took a redhead home instead.”
“Damn. Missed opportunity.”
“I got married,” I mumble, finding it harder to tell him than I thought it would be.
The line is silent and then Chad is snort laughing into the phone. His laughter is so loud, I have to lower the volume on my phone.
“That’s a good one. I’m surprised you didn’t wait to deliver that in person so you could see the tears of laughter rolling down my face.” Between howls of laughter, he takes in a breath. “Whew.” I can imagine him pausing to wipe a tear. “That one got me good.”
“I’m serious. I married Emma, the woman I danced for.”
“Fuck. You’re serious?”
“We were having fun. She proposed and I couldn’t say no. It was the strangest thing. I’d had some drinks but I wasn’t that drunk. I should have known better. But, being near her, I wasn’t in control of myself.”
“Fuck, man. That’s insane.” He pauses. “You know why this happened, right? You’re so backed up. You need to have sex. It’s affecting your brain and your decision making.”
“I’m not backed up,” I argue. I’m not a monk. I’ve had plenty of self-love.
“It’s like that Ashton Kutcher movie where he doesn’t have sex for forty days and by the end of it, he’s hallucinating and has to be tied to a bed for his own safety. Multiply that by how long it’s been since you touched a woman and it’s no wonder you’re making impulsive decisions.”
“I didn’t call you so you could tell me I need to get laid.”
“You got married. Didn’t you already get laid?”
I’m silent, my mind returning to Emma. Last night, her body beneath mine. And this morning, when she came against my tongue. That visual will be enough to sustain me for another six years. Not that I plan to be celibate for that long. It was never a plan, only a result of my situation. Now, my situation has changed, but that doesn’t mean I want to go out and fuck every woman who is willing. Even before I made the decision to be celibate, that wasn’t the kind of guy I was.
“Fuck, man, this is worse than I thought. As a friend, I am concerned for your wellbeing. I can have one of my lady friends over there in minutes. There’s an entire lineup that would be glad to rid you of this burden.”
“I’m not having sex with your friends. And, I’m married now, remember?”
“That’s an easy fix. You can even do the paperwork yourself. Unless she’s like Glenn Close inFatal Attractionand she becomes obsessed with you. I guess you can be thankful that you don’t have any pets for her to boil.”
I’m really starting to question why I called him.
“She’s not obsessed with me, but it’s not an easy fix. She needs me to go to New York and pretend to be her husband.”
“You are her husband.”
“It’s an image thing. She’s a wedding gown designer and she’s got an important interview with a magazine.”
“And you’re going to do it.” It’s not really a question.
“Yeah, I am.”
“What about your job?” Chad asks.
I’m supposed to start as an associate at Terrence’s firm, McGregor & Lange, next week. I had given myself a week to transition between jobs, but with Emma needing me in New York right away, I’ll need to talk to Terrence about postponing my start date.
“I’ll have to postpone it a few weeks.”
“So you go to New York, for how long?” he asks.
“Three weeks,” I reply.
“Then you get an annulment and come home?”
