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“That you want me to get knocked up so I’ll leave my husband? Yes, you did tell me. Except I didn’t agree to that.”
“You didn’t protest either.”
Lex blinks twice, very slowly. “I don’t want kids.”
“With me or with anyone?”
“With anyone.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t—”
“Deserve them?” I guess, grazing her lips with mine to tell her, “You’re not broken, Lex.”
“I am. I broke myself the second I pulled that trigger. I don’t deserve to bring life into this world. Not when I’ve taken away so much.”
I make sure I’m looking into her eyes when I say, “You don’t know what would’ve happened if you didn’t pull that trigger. Nobody knows, not even Cyrus. Your dad could’ve killed your mom. Hell, he could’ve killed you. Your mom could’ve shot your dad and ended up in prison. There are more than a hundred different outcomes of what could’ve happened that day…maybe this was the best.”
“The best would be my mom alive, happy, with her memories intact.”
“Who’s to say she would’ve been happy? You lived with Cyrus; were you happy? You have all your memories from your childhood and from The Playground; are you happy?”
Her silence is deafening.
“Your mom’s face was already tatted when you got there. You think Cyrus would’ve let her stop working just because of a face tat? I know every girl at The Playground and not one of them is happy. You rid this earth of two lowlifes, you got your mom out of a tough situation, and you figured out a way to get yourself out, too. Your hands are covered in blood but it’s blood nobody but you is crying over.”
“I’m not crying.”
“You’re punishing yourself.”
She sighs again and glances at the flowers. “I deprive myself of anything that makes me happy.”
“I noticed,” I repeat quietly.
That’s the real reason she throws my presents away—she acts like it’s to hurt me, but really, it’s to hurt herself. She wants them. She likes them. But she thinks she doesn’t deserve them.
She does the same thing with me. She insults me at every turn as a way to talk herself out of wanting me.
“I can make you happy, Lex.”
Her expression darkens and she drags her gaze back to mine.
“In another life, I’m sure you could. In this one, you’ll never get the chance. Even if you did impregnate me, Kordin wouldn’t let me go that easily. An abortion is cheaper and much quicker to obtain than a divorce.”
He wouldn’t? Why? He’s already fucking around. Why hang on to a broken marriage?
Probably for appearances. Shallow fuck.
“It’s your body. It’s—”
Lex’s scoff throws me off. “Is it?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?”
Acting like she doesn’t hear me, she shakes her head and continues, “There is no future with us, Reece, because while Kordin has mine in his hands, Cyrus has yours, and neither of them are letting go anytime soon. This is all we’ll ever be, this moment, this secret, this mistake.”
“All the mistakes I’ve made in my life, none of them ever felt this right.”
