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Florin bit his lip and released my hand to reach for a cup of water. He handed it to me and looked down at the floor while I emptied it. Something twisted in my gut. Of all my men, Florin and Wey were the ones I could always count on to be direct with me. Florin, not wanting to meet my eyes, had alarm bells ringing in my head. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and looked around the tent. We were the only ones there. Where were the others?
“Florin, where is everyone?”
He lifted his head, and the calm, almost arrogant countenance he usually wore in public looked back at me. “What’s the last thing you remember?”
I searched my mind. My thoughts were as slow and sluggish as my body. I tried to remember what happened, but I hadn’t felt this disoriented and drained since my magic first appeared. As I struggled to gather my thoughts, the attack we’d staged on the mage convoy came back to me in a rush. Images of the carriages and guards, Nica protecting me, and Lady Holcot holding a slave like a shield, the fire bursting free—oh goddess. “Where’s Nica?”
Florin took my hand again. “He’s in the healer’s tent. He’s…”
A sob broke free of my chest as Florin’s words trailed off. I pulled my hand from his grip and pressed my fingers against the burn in my eyes. The last time I’d felt this way—this empty—was when this damned magic had erupted on the sands of House Natas, and now I’d done it again.
Taking deep breaths, I pressed my fingers harder against my eyelids. Hard enough to see stars. “How bad? How badly did I hurt him?”
Gentle fingers touched my chin, encouraging me to lift it. Once I did, Florin took my wrists in a firm grip and pulled my hands away from my face. “He’s hurt, but he’ll be okay, Theon. He’s sleeping. Deeply. The healers believe it’s his tiger using all his energy to heal.”
“Can I see him? Did I hurt anyone else? Where are the others?”
Florin looked down again, at our hands clasped in his lap. “Other than Holcott, no. The slave she grabbed was able to get out of the way before your magic hit her. Braz is outside standing guard. Wey and Seph are in a meeting with Kasper and some of the others. Cedric is with Nica.” He took a deep breath, thumbs sweeping over my knuckles. “Theon, they didn’t want to let you come back to camp. I know Wey will do everything in his power to keep a place for you here, but I’m afraid—”
“Even if they let me stay, it won’t be safe.”
“Yes.” He bit his lip, eyes darting to the closed tent flap before looking back at me, leaning in and speaking softly. “Do you trust me?”
“Of course.”
“I think… I think I may know a place where you could learn to control your power.”
“Where?”
“With the fae.”
My already tired brain didn’t even know where to begin processing that. Most people believed the fae were a myth. Creatures from stories that had never existed in this world. I could tell from the look on Florin’s face that he absolutely not only believed they existed, but that he also believed he knew how to find them.
“I know it seems far-fetched, but I’ve been having dreams—memories from my time before I was taken from my mother and sold—and I believe my mother was at least part-fae. When I was young, I didn’t put it together, but she told me stories, and I believe that they weren’t just stories but a map to the hidden fae kingdom.”
“How can you be certain?”
“I can’t, I suppose.” He looked up, luminous lavender eyes holding mine. “But I swear I can feel it. Like a tug in my chest. Even if I’m wrong, I’m not sure you can safely stay here… and I won’t be parted from you.”
“The others…”
“Do you want to tell them? They would come with us. Their loyalty is to you.” He lifted my hand, pressing a kiss against my knuckles. “As is mine.”
The throbbing pain behind my eyes, in my chest, in every muscle I possessed coalesced into one enveloping dull ache. It was nothing to the searing stab in my heart at the thought of leaving my lovers behind. But Nica lay injured because of me. Because I had no control over this power inside me.
Florin was right. Maybe the fae did exist or maybe they didn’t, but either way, I was a danger to those I loved and everyone in this camp. I needed to go. Bringing the others with us would only keep them in danger. They deserved better than that. They deserved to fight for this cause and against the mages that had imprisoned them for so long. I couldn’t be the cause of them having to flee again.
I swallowed against the emotion building in my throat. If we were going to do this, we needed to move while the others were still occupied, and if I was being honest, I wasn’t sure how I’d face Wey after having hurt Nica the way I did.
“If we tell them, they’ll try to stop us or insist on coming with us.” I shook my head, willing my voice to stop trembling and trying to find a way to explain my fears. Florin squeezed my hands, his gaze understanding. “It should be us. Just us.”
Florin nodded, eyes shiny with his own unshed tears. This could have been home. Could have been family. I’d ruined that.
“Sit here and gather your strength. I’ll pack.”
I nodded and accepted the refilled water cup he handed me. He moved around the tent with efficient grace, filling both our packs with supplies. I sipped my water and reached for a bit of parchment. I’d never be able to explain, but I could at least say goodbye.
* * *
