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He watches me quietly, reverently, as I strip down to nothing. When I’ve finished, I move my fingers to his shirt, deftly unbuttoning each of his buttons and pulling his shirt off of him. My hands slide down to his belt, easily unbuckling it the way I have dozens of times now.
I unbutton his pants so I can tug out his undershirt and pull it up and over his head. I capture his lips in mine again, pressing myself against him more forcefully than before. I need him to feel and experience every ounce of my desire for him. I’ve held back for so long, giving him my body but withholding my heart.
Tonight, I want him to feel how much my heart beats for him. I wish I could open it up in front of him and show him every moment I’ve cherished between us. He’s given me so much more than I’ve ever imagined without making me feel like I should be grateful to him.
I see now that everything he’s done was because he loved me. Perhaps he didn’t even realize it at the time, but I know it now with certainty. It’s like the moment I realized who my father was. I now see who Johnny is with clear focus, but it’s a different reaction. Where my father was dangerous and untrustworthy, Johnny is the opposite.
He’s faithful and safe. He takes care of me in ways I can’t possibly understand. He needs to know how much his actions mean to me.
We’re laid bare before each other, no secrets left. It’s like I’m suddenly seeing him for the first time. He’s as handsome as ever, but there’s something different about him now. Something softer.
I realize it’s the look in his eyes. There’s usually a gleam or a sarcastic edge, but tonight, there’s nothing but love and admiration. He’s staring at me like I’m the most precious thing in the world, and I suddenly realize that look has always existed in his eyes. Even from the beginning.
He’s so good to me.
I kiss him softly, melting into him. All that exists is our lips moving over each other, our hands exploring each other. He pulls me to him, holding tight as I stand in front of him, kissing away all of his pain. He’s the most compassionate and kind man I’ve ever met, and I want him to feel every ounce of my compassion toward him.
He kisses me back slowly, lazily, because we both know this is the real thing. It’s lasting. Neither of us is going anywhere, so we don’t have to fuck like bunny rabbits who’ll never see each other again. Perhaps that wasn’t how I always thought of us, but now I see that was an anxiety I held on to for a long time. I was terrified he’d simply disappear.
But here he is, right in front of me, and he’s not going anywhere. I luxuriate in the taste of his mouth, taking my time to know him. Tonight, there’s nothing but time. There’s just us in our own little universe. No one will interrupt us. No mother is going to come down the hall and scream at me for being a whore.
We’ve come a long way, and our bodies tell the story. They know each other, they’ve learned each crevice and secret spot that brings pleasure. We’ve put in the effort to get to one another, and now we get to enjoy it in an unrushed bliss.
I push him back against the bed, climbing on top of him. He never lets me be on top, not the whole time anyway. But everything about tonight is different. Tonight, he lets me be in control because he loves me. Because he wants me to know that he’s mine as much as I’m his.
I straddle him, hovering dangerously close to his manhood. I purposely brush against it several times, making him hiss. It’s my favorite sound. I love frustrating him past the point of sanity. I love making him putty in my hands. It’s the only thing in the world that makes sense to me. He makes sense to me.
But I can’t extend this torture forever. I don’t want to. I take his cock inside of me, arching my back so he can get deeper. He lets out a long, low moan and pulls my face back to his, kissing me senseless.
I move slowly on top of him, letting myself feel every inch, to stretch around him and feel his full length. I’m more aware of his skin against mine than ever before. He has to know that this is as good for me as it is for him.
I pull back a bit, so that he’s almost out of me, then move down again slowly, torturously. He hisses again, long and loud. I feel the heat radiating off his skin and know we could set an entire forest ablaze with our passion. Not just tonight, but every night.
Again, I slide back, then slam down on him, faster this time. He cries out in pleasure, his hands moving to my hips to keep me steady. I know he’ll always be there to keep me steady. He’ll always help to guide me in the right direction.
He pulls my hips up, then I slowly roll back down onto him.
“I love you,” he hisses this time, and I can’t help the way my hips roll over him.
“I love you too,” I whisper back, and he growls in frustration.
Slow and steady is just not our usual, but tonight, we make it last. He kisses my neck, my collarbone, and my breasts. His hands push and pull and massage, lighting up every inch of me. In return, I slowly run my hands over his chest, raking my fingernails down his skin.
I kiss up and down his neck, his chin, and the spot behind his ear that I know he likes. He moans wildly in my ear as I suck on his earlobe, and I can’t help the thrill it sends through me. I know he feels the way I tighten around him because he lets go, releasing his seed inside of me.
His fingers move to my entrance, knowing I haven’t found my release yet. He kisses me hard as his fingers glide over my nub, massaging the spot until I cry out and fall on top of him.
This is the part where he usually gets up and leaves, but I’m in his bed now, and I’m on top of him. He isn’t going anywhere, and neither am I.
I climb off of him, though, and move to his side. His arms encircle my waist, and he holds me tightly, whispering sweet nothings in my ear and running his fingers up and down my back. I breathe slowly against him, feeling myself fall into the delicate embrace of sleep. I don’t want to miss a second, but I feel confident in the fact that he isn’t going anywhere.
For the first time since he came into my life, we sleep together. He continues drawing patterns on my back and tells me over and over again how much he loves me. I feel his chest rise and fall and listen to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. It’s a blissful experience I never imagined I’d feel.
Sex with Johnny is good. It’s out-of-this-world, blow-my-mind good. But this moment, the sweetness and tenderness in the way he holds me and touches me is unlike anything else. It’s a sweet moment that neither of us can pull ourselves away from. And why would we? This is the oasis we started building together on my wedding day. No one will chase us away from it.
We get to live in this place, and we’ll get to come back to it whenever we choose. That’s the beauty of love. It’s always right where you left it. You don’t have to chase true love, it’s a safe space you build and know that no one is going to tear it down. It’s the first time in my life that I’ve ever felt assured that someone’s love wouldn’t disappear.
CHAPTERNINETEEN
