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“So what’s going on? You look like someone stole your ice cream, but I know that’s not true. I saw you eat it all yourself.” Her nana touched her arm and then snuggled down in her chair, a blanket over her legs, her eyes on the sky, like she was looking forward to the sunset just like Nora.
“I want a family.”
She could tell Nana anything. Nana understood.
“What about our family?”
“Like one that lives together. I want one like Penelope and Scarlett. They have each other. They’re sisters. Why can’t I have sisters? Why didn’t God give me sisters?”
Nana sighed. She didn’t say anything, but she just looked at the sky.
Maybe it was her quiet contemplation that made Nora go on.
“Why can’t my mom and dad live together? I mean, they were together for a while. They had me. Why does Dad hate Mom?”
“Your dad doesn’t hate your mom,” Nana said right away. Even though Nana was her dad’s mom, Nana never took sides. Not that Nora had ever really thought about her parents having sides. But as she thought back, Nana had always welcomed her mom just as enthusiastically as she welcomed her dad. Nana welcomed everyone. If she didn’t know that her dad was Nana’s son, she wouldn’t have figured it out by the way Nana acted.
“I told you once a long time ago that my husband left me.”
Nana’s voice was soft, and it sounded a little bit far away. It made Nora sit up straighter, because Nana didn’t usually talk about her husband and the problems that she had. It made her feel like she was almost an adult to have Nana confide in her like this.
She listened, saying, “You did.”
“If he were to come back. Today.” She looked over at Nora and smiled. “This very night. Say he would walk in the door right now.” She raised her brows as though she were wondering if Nora was following her.
Nora nodded eagerly.
“I hope I would be nice to him. But I wouldn’t want to go back with him. Do you understand?”
“Because he’s a jerk.”
“A little bit. I guess. But...the person I was when I was married is a different person than the one I am today. He asked me to marry him, and I was thrilled to say yes. I was excited to have a wedding. I felt my wedding day was the best day of my life in a beautiful dress and a handsome man who held my hand and made me feel beautiful.”
She sighed a little and smiled, as though the memories of the day made her happy. “But because of everything that came after, or maybe because I’m not the girl I used to be. I wouldn’t be honored if he came back and wanted to marry me. I’ve changed. I’m different. We tried it once, it didn’t work, and I don’t want to try again. I think I would welcome him into my home. I would treat him the way I would treat anyone else who would come. I hope. But if he asked me to try again with him, I would say no.”
She gave Nora a look. A look that only Nana could give. One that was full of love and compassion and Nora could feel the desire of her nana to make her understand.
“I’m not saying he’s a bad man. He might make someone else a really good husband. Maybe he’s changed. Maybe he’s the kind of husband that anyone would be happy to have. But...not me. He’s not the husband for me.”
She looked at Nora, thoughtfully, as though she were trying to think of something to say. “Do you remember when you used to come here and I used to feed you from the high chair? Remember how you used to sit in the booster seat? Do you remember how we had all the little safety gates and you had a little playpen that you played in sometimes?”
Nora nodded. She always loved coming to Nana’s. She loved the summers where her dad carried her out in the night air, and she sat on his lap all snuggled up on the porch swing. Her sippy cup in one hand, her teddy bear in the other, and she’d fall asleep and somehow magically wake up in her bed in the cottage in the morning. It all felt beautiful and safe and happy.
“You don’t want to go back to holding your sippy cup again? You don’t want to play in the playpen. To sit in the booster seat. You’ve changed. You’ve grown up, of course, but you’re not the little girl that you used to be. You couldn’t go back even if you wanted to. You’re too big for the booster seat. You don’t fit. That happens in life sometimes. People were together, and then something happens, and they don’t fit anymore. They couldn’t go back even if they wanted to. I think that’s probably the way it is with your dad and your mom. They didn’t really work together much at all. In fact, I don’t recall ever seeing them together that summer. But whatever they had, they didn’t fit. They wouldn’t work out. They’d probably end up fighting a lot, and you don’t want to live in a house where all your parents do is fight with each other, right?”
Nora nodded, because her mom and George fought a lot, and even though George wasn’t her dad, she hated it. She wanted to go hide every time there was yelling. It scared her for some reason. Even though she knew that neither one of them would hurt her. It wasn’t her fault. She just hated it.
“But why can’t they just be together and make themselves be happy, like you said?” Even though she understood what Nana said, it didn’t change the fact that she wanted her parents to try.
“I don’t think I ever said you could make yourself be happy,” Nana said thoughtfully, like she was trying to remember exactly what she had said. “I think I said you could choose to be happy.” She smiled a little. “Sometimes choosing to be happy also involves choosing to do or to not do certain things. For example, I’m afraid of heights, so if I want to be happy, I’m going to choose to not fly in an airplane, because I’m going to be scared. So it’s kind of silly for me to do something that I know is going to make me struggle to try to be happy. I’m much happier with my two legs firmly on the ground.” She pointed to her legs and her feet which sat flat on the floor.
“Or I might tuck them up like this,” she said, kicking her flip-flops off and tucking her legs up in her chair the way Nana often did. “I’m not going to fly anywhere, unless it’s absolutely necessary, because I’m not going to be happy while I’m doing it.” She let out a breath. “That doesn’t mean you never have to do anything you don’t want to do. Sometimes we do. And sometimes we just have to knuckle down and decide to be happy anyway. But we don’t deliberately put ourselves in a position we don’t have to be in, especially if we know it’s going to make us or the people around us miserable.” She lifted her brows, and Nora knew she wanted her to understand.
That was the nice thing about Nana. Nana didn’t care how long it took for Nora to get what she was trying to explain. Nana would explain forever and ever and never get tired. Her mom took about three minutes, and if Nora didn’t get it, her mom got frustrated.
Her dad had a little bit more patience, but not much. Although, he taught her to ride horses, and she didn’t recall him ever getting upset with her when she didn’t get that the first time.
“Maybe you just are really looking for your mom and dad to get together because you’re sad and upset that things didn’t work out between your mom and George.”
