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“It’s not your fault,” I said.
It’s entirely mine.
He nodded and patted my back. “Let’s meet up this weekend for drinks.”
Once they were gone, Jackson and I sat in silence for a moment. Then he stood from his chair and went into the kitchen.
Should I leave? I wondered.
I wanted that space, but I might have to approach him about it later after he and Savannah discussed it. Before I decided what to do, Jackson returned with two beer bottles and gestured toward the back patio.
“Let’s talk.”
I nodded, relieved he was willing to discuss logistics. It had also been a while since I’d spent some alone time with him, so I was ready for his wisdom.
Or his disappointment. Whichever was coming.
The air was crisp and cold, causing a shiver to run up my spine. Mid-March temperatures still dropped below a comfortable level most nights, but it wasn’t unbearable. I shoved my hands into my pockets as we leaned against the railing.
Jackson handed me a beer. We clinked them together before taking a sip.
Jackson and I have had a few beers out on the patio countless times. My parents were shit, so he’s been my role model. My dad left when I was young, and my mom was too busy being hung up on men who didn’t love her to pay much attention to me. I had very few good memories of them. I hadn’t seen them in a long time, and I didn’t care to.
I was lucky to have Jackson and the Sparks family. When I was eight, Sav’s grandpa told me to call him Jackson, not Mr. Sparks. I’ve called him by his first name ever since.
“I’m sorry I upset Sav,” I said, starting the conversation.
It wasn’t the first time he pulled me aside with an issue involving his granddaughter. From a young age, I knew I was another one of her protectors.
Sean came to me when she had issues involving bullies at school or heartbreak over the loss of her mother and grandmother. Jackson talked to me when he wanted to check in and see how she was, knowing I would have the answers.
Unfortunately, I’d lost that connection with her since that day I set a hard, firm line between us four years ago. She didn’t share intimate details or feelings with me anymore. We didn’t even talk unless it was forced family events like this one or casual interactions that ended up in an argument with her storming off.
I missed our closeness almost more than I could stand. I was reminded of that every time I saw her.
Honestly, after I realized that she wasn’t going to forgive me no matter what I did, I was angry. It pissed me off that she threw our friendship away so easily.
I’d learned not to date or get serious after Katelyn had toyed with me in a way no one should ever have go to through. I’d fallen hard for her in high school, thought we’d be together forever, so when she said she was pregnant, I did what I thought was the right thing.
I turned down my scholarship to the University of Colorado and put my big plans aside. I figured I’d go to community college when I could squeeze it in around working to support my family. I was going to marry her, be a man, and accept my responsibilities. Giving up the scholarship hurt, but I was in love. And I was going to be a father.
By the time I’d wrapped my head around that, I found out she’d been lying about the pregnancy. So I lost my first love and all the promise of the child I’d been imagining at one time. I was devastated and wanted nothing to do with someone who could hurt me that way.
Then she begged me to give her another chance, and I thought it over, wondering if I should forgive her. People make mistakes, I thought.
What can I say? I was young and dumb and thought I was in love with her. Then, she got pregnant for real.
With someone else’s baby.
That feeling of being manipulated and used ruined me on the idea of love. After that, I didn’t do relationships. I always wore condoms. I was honest and upfront with my intentions.
If I was getting involved with a woman, I wanted it clear that we were casual and nothing else.
And I could never just be casual with Sav.
She was Sean’s little sister and a huge part of my life. Throwing that all away to hook up one drunken night would have been stupid, but it seemed that was what she’d wanted. If that was how highly she valued me, as a one-night stand, I knew I’d been right to turn her down.
After that night, she stopped taking to me. She never texted or called just because she missed me, like she used to. She stopped looking at me with light in her eyes. I missed that.
