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I grin at her and wave her inside.
We gather around the front counter. I sip the coffee she got me, set up just the way I like it. “Oh, god, that’s good,” I groan as I tear into a classic black-and-white donut.
She nibbles on a Boston cream. “Yep, too freaking good.”
“We can do better.” I stop myself, flinching a bit. “I mean, I can do better. Sorry. I didn’t mean—”
“I know you can.” Her smile is sad as she puts down her donut. “The place looks amazing, by the way. You guys did a lot of work in a few days.”
“Nolan has the crew working overtime.”
“Must be nice, having an investor.” Her expression darkens. “Even one like that. If only you’d made a better decision—”
“Jams, hold on.” I raise a hand, not wanting this to spiral out of control before I can even explain myself. “Can we talk before you start getting mad at me? Nolan told me what happened between him and your family, and I just—” I stop, shaking my head. “I’m so sorry. I really am.”
Her jaw tightens. She looks as though she might pick up a donut and smash it into my face, but instead, she turns away, wraps her arms around herself and hugs tightly. “I’m surprised you’re still with him then. Most sane people would go running if they learned their husband is a murderer.”
She’s got a point. Maybe I’m not sane. But I knew Nolan was a killer before I married him, which softened the blow.
“Can we just talk? I didn’t know about it until yesterday and I’m still trying to process.”
She grunts, walking a few feet away, putting distance between us. I don’t know what I can say to make this better, so I wait for her to start. Part me thinks she’ll storm out, but I don’t want her to run—I need her friendship now more than ever, when I feel like I’m on the edge of losing everything.
“I hate this. I hate talking about what happened back then. It’s like taboo to talk about, you know. In my family, we pretend like it never happened.” Her voice is quiet. There’s anger, but also mourning. “The war between my family and Nolan’s family. Nobody wants to say anything because they’re so afraid of the Crowleys now, like talking about what happened will make it all happen again. My mother told me the story a couple years ago, back before Ash and Carson got together.”
“Nolan said things were bad.” That’s an understatement. His version of events were terrible, and I’m betting they were sanitized. “He also didn’t hide his involvement.”
She snorts. “Good for him. You know he killed three of my cousins and two of my uncles? Him, personally. He pulled the trigger. I didn’t like that Ash was getting involved with a Crowley, but Carson doesn’t have the same reputation that Nolan has, and I figured they can’t all be evil. But then Nolan himself shows up, and you’re marrying him, and it’s just—” She stops, taking a shuddering breath. “At first I thought we should just take his money so he’d go away. You know? I was terrified and I hoped that if we didn’t piss him off, he’d just disappear. He’s like the antichrist in my family. My grandmother couldn’t even say his name when I asked her about it. Now looking back, even accepting his initial investment wouldn’t have made him go away. That’s what the Crowleys do, they buy you.”
I look down at myself. Is that what Nolan’s doing to me? Is he really buying me? Owning me?
“I’m sorry, I really can’t even imagine the scars your family is still carrying.”
“That’s the thing.” She looks over at me and her face is anguished. “It’s not like my family’s innocent. I know that, I’m not naive. I know what they do for a living. I’m not a part of all that—my father’s the one doing that crap. My mother insulated me from it all over the years. I understand Nolan probably did what he had to do, but that doesn’t change anything, does it? Doesn’t make it any better.”
I come around the counter, moving toward her. “You have to understand, I’m not with Nolan because I want to be. He blackmailed me into it, you remember, but he also offered me more.”
“I’m sure he did. Was it so much that you were willing to overlook everything else?”
“It’s not just about me.” Desperation rises into my throat. I feel like I might cry, but if I give in to that impulse then I’m not sure I’ll get through this. “It’s about the baby.”
She lifts her head, eyes narrowing in confusion. “What baby?” When I don’t reply, she takes a step closer. “Keely, what baby?”
I put my face in my hands. “I haven’t told anyone. I’ve been so afraid, carrying this around and keeping it from him, and I just, I can’t do it alone anymore, Jams. I really can’t do it alone.”
“Keels.” Her tone’s softer. She comes over, reaching for me. “Keels, are you pregnant?”
I look her in the eye and nod. “Yeah. I’m pregnant.”
That breaks the floodgates. It’s the first time I’ve said it out loud. I start crying hard as she pulls me into a tight hug. I can’t believe I’ve kept this from everyone all this time, but the relief at finally saying it out loud to another living human being is so visceral it’s like a hammer to my chest.
Of everyone in this world, Jams is my best friend, she knows me better than anyone, and fighting with her for so long has been a nightmare.
But now I hope she understands why I’m doing what I’m doing.
I sob into her shoulder for a little while, but I force myself to get under control. The flood of emotion is too much, but we still have a lot to talk about, and I don’t want to waste any time. I wipe my eyes, try a smile, and she only smiles back.
“When?” she asks. “How?”
