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I hate it.
When I look up at him, the moon casts a glow on his face. It’s late.
“Where’s Jay-Jay?”
His brows narrow for a moment before he strokes my face. “With his grandparents at the beach, remember?”
“You should bring him home now. I’ll go home too. He should be here with you.”
He nods as I watch him swallow. “He will. He’s coming home in a couple of days. He misses you.” I smile. It hurts. I miss him too. “But right now, we’re going to focus on you.”
“Jake?”
Still stroking my hair, he asks, “What is it, Trouble?”
I swing my foot along the carpet. “I think I’m broken.” Something has cracked so deep in me, I’ve fallen through. I’m in a darkness I’ve never experienced before. I’m sinking. My body is too tired to kick my way out of it.
And I won’t drag him with me.
There’s silence for a moment, but I need to finish. “I think I’ve always been broken until I found you. I feel more together around you. All the other pieces come with Jay-Jay. And it’s silly because he’s not mine. We’re not together. Yet, I look at him and I want to dive in front of any danger. I want to be around him.” I try to smile. “Because he’s more fun than you.”
He tries to laugh with me, but we both fail. We’re doing a lot of trying. It’s not working.
“But something’s going on in my head. I need to fix it. You both deserve everything, and I have very little of myself left to give. These bruises are nothing but my own reminders. They’ll fade. Nobody will see them. But I’ll remember them because these bruises may not scar, but in here…” I dig a finger into my temple, “I’m disfigured. I have been long before today.”
He reaches for me, but I walk away.
I’m tired.
I think I’ll sleep now.
“I just needed you to know. I always feel the closest thing to whole when I’m in your arms,” I mumble, resting my head on the pillow.
His heat is at my back before my eyes close. He pulls me to him, holding me so tight I can hardly breathe, but I don’t care.
He’s breathing for me.
I don’t know how long passes, but his grip never loosens.
I’m sure he thinks I’m sleeping when a guttural sob rips from his chest. “I’m sorry,” he whispers over and over. His hands are on my body. Everywhere. It’s gentle. Not enough to wake me if I was sleeping.
He’s checking I’m still here.
“You’re whole, baby. You’re everything.”
Chapter Forty
The medication makes me feel like I’m outside my body.
I hate it.
But I’m sleeping through most of it. Which is the point, I guess. And the sleeping pills keep the nightmares at bay.
I don’t dream at all.
I don’t know what time it was when I finally drifted off, but when I wake, I stumble to the window, and peek through the curtain. It’s daylight. I go back to bed.
I sleep and sleep and sleep.
