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I have to. For them and for me.
Someday, we might find our way back to each other.
Chapter Forty-Three
It’s always cold in the cemetery.
Always.
It could be the hottest day of the year and there’s still a chill when I come here.
Zipping my coat, I ignore the bench at Nick’s grave and chose my usual seat on the grass with my back against his stone.
“Hiya, stranger.” I fix the potted plants Kate always leaves. “Our girl did it yesterday. You’d be so proud of her. She was stunning.”
Mandy made the most beautiful bride. Long blonde curls fell over her shoulders. Barefoot in a white flowing gown, she married Alex on the beach. Thankfully, it wasn’t as cold.
Jake didn’t go, and I can’t help but feel it was for my sake. A part of me is grateful to him for it. I don’t think I have the strength just yet.
I like to believe Nick was there in spirit to see for himself, but I’m skeptical, and I don’t want him to miss out on a moment, so I tell him things.
I nod a greeting to a couple passing by before going back to my update.
“She’s so unbelievably happy. Ava is a firecracker.”
I scoot down until I’m on my back, watching the clouds go by for endless minutes. “Mama is sober. She’s doing really good. She goes to meetings and sees a therapist. She’s back to herself. I don’t know what inspired the change, but I’m grateful for it. And she’s playing the piano again.”
Taking a deep breath, I fight with the burn behind my eyes as I pull at the blades of grass.
“I miss you every day, but I’ve missed you more than ever lately. I could do with some Nick advice because I’ve gone and done it. I’ve fallen in love, and I really wish you were in your room with your window open so I could crawl through and rant until I figured it out.” I brush a heavy tear from my cheek. “I’m a little lost, and I don’t know if you can hear me, but any help in the right direction would be great right now.”
A sob cracks through my chest—raw and painful.
“Truth is, I’m scared because I think I will love him until the day I die. And now I’m leaving for nine months. I’m afraid I might have missed the moment, and I’m scared of all the moments I’m going to miss. But I need to do it.” I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand. “So, I’ve come to say goodbye for now. I’m sure you won’t miss my constant nattering, and I’ll be back before you know it. I just wanted to sit here for a while. I needed my best friend.”
***
“Claire, are you dead?”
I’m hallucinating.
Squinting, I open my eyes only to see a very familiar pair of blue pools looking back at me.
“Jay-Jay,” I gasp, and before I can think about it, I leap for him, wrapping him up until he can hardly breathe.
He still gives the best hugs.
He laughs into my shoulder and I’m not looking at him, but I know he’s rolling his eyes.
“We missed you too, Claire.”
On my knees, I sit back on my heels. I’m touching his face like he’s not real. Like this is a wonderful dream. But he feels real. His skin is warm, and that smile is exactly how I remember.
“I missed you so much. But what are you doing here?” I ask.
He stares at me with the same bewilderment I feel.
“We came to visit Mom.”
