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Amy checks her watch. “Shit. I need to go. I have lessons at the shelter at six.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “I have a lesson at six, too.”
She wiggles her eyebrows in a way that always freaks me out.
“What?”
“It’s good you look hot today.”
I look down at my red shirtdress. I don’t think it’s anything special. “Why?”
“Your six o’clock? The dad is more delicious than your donut.” She winks, taking backward steps to her car.
I bite into the sugary glaze and moan. “That’s impossible. This donut is heaven.”
I don’t know if it’s the donuts or speaking of hot dads but an ache ruptures in my chest.
My heart has healed…mostly.
I still have days when the memories consume me, my throat closes, and I need to remind myself I can breathe. But I look in the mirror now and I see myself. I don’t see another person looking back at me, and I can sit through a thunderstorm without a panic attack. I attended therapy while I was away. I still do.
Over the year, I’ve learned that forgiving other people isn’t my issue. It’s not the key to moving on.
Not for me.
I needed to forgive myself.
And I did.
I forgave myself for the years I carried my father’s burden. For the guilt that ate me up until it left me wounded and raw. For the weight of knowing if maybe I had done things differently, Hannah would have never witnessed what she did. For the years I missed with my mother because of the memories we saw in each other.
We always make new memories.
I’m not what happened to me. No one is.
There’s good in our days.
I still see Jake and Jay-Jay when I think of my good, even if it causes the deepest ache in my chest. It’s worth it. It gets me through.
It helps me breathe.
And I can do it on my own now. The air in my lungs is mine. I don’t need life support.
I know why we let each other go. We needed to fix ourselves, and I’m so grateful for it. I’m stronger for it.
But I still miss him.
It’s been over a year since I left his house. Nine of those months were nothing but a single text once a month to check in. I found myself waiting for the day I allowed myself to contact him. I became dependent on it. I needed to let that go too. I needed to know I could do it on my own.
He never objected. Never put any pressure on me. He just let me be.
He let me go for me.
I’m sure if one of those texts asked for him to come to me, he would have been on a jet in the next breath.
But just because my contact with Jake ceased, I kept the connection with Jay-Jay. We video call once a week. We have for over a year. I still give him advice on the best ways to prank his father.
I’m excited to see him. To see how much he has grown.
