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“Y-yes… God, it was horrible, Lauren.”
“Did you have a pot to piss in?”
“T-there was a toilet, but I was heaving my guts out two or three times a day. It would hit so fast, and the room was completely dark, I couldn’t find my way across to it soon enough.” Sky closed her eyes, her voice filled with shame. “The stench smelled horrible. No air… Just that horrid, choking odor… I gagged so much, dry heaved… I couldn’t stop…”
Lauren picked up a brown pine needle and chewed on it, all the time her gaze never leaving Sky’s anguished gaze. “Well, you were lucky. I didn’t have a pot to piss in. When my foster father decided I’d been in the closet long enough, he’d unlock the door. And then he’d beat me again because I’d shit and peed in his closet.” She smiled a little. “Then I had to go clean it up.”
“How old were you when this happened?” Sky asked hollowly.
“Seven.” Lauren took a deep breath and said, “Did you give up wanting to live while you were in there? I know I did. At that age, I was wondering how I could stop the pain I felt, the abandonment, feeling that no one loved me, nor was anyone coming to rescue me.” She laughed a little. “Just think at seven I’m contemplating suicide.” Throwing the pine needle down, Lauren rasped, “That’s got to be some kind of sick Guinness World Record. I should really check that out.”
Staring, Sky gulped. Her fingers knotted, grew damp and cold. “Y-you really did think about suicide, Lauren? Killing yourself?”
“Of course, I did. You break a person’s spirit and they’re hopeless, Sky. I was utterly hopeless. I had no way to get out. I used to sit in that closet and cry myself to sleep. And then I’d dream of this knight on a white horse coming to my rescue, taking me out of the closet, carrying me away from that sucky family of mine forever.” She eyed Sky, holding her shamed gaze. “You thought about suicide, didn’t you?”
Swallowing hard, Sky nodded. “Not for the same reasons as you did,” she whispered, gently moving her hand over her belly. “I knew Dr. Zapato was coming to give me an abortion. I guess… well… I lost hope then. Up until that point, I had faith Cal would find me. I knew he was looking for me. I knew it was just a matter of time and I had to just… hold on…”
“But you gave up because you thought you’d lose your baby? And if you lost your baby, you would die anyway because life was too painful to live? Right?”
Sky nodded. “Exactly. I was actively looking around the room on my hands and knees, trying to find something, anything… to kill myself with.”
“Bet you felt horrible about it.”
“Horrible doesn’t even begin to touch how I felt, Lauren. I love Cal. But I had given up hope. I didn’t want to live… God,” Sky whispered brokenly, pushing her hands against her face, “I feel so guilty about it all of this…”
“Have you been able to tell Cal any of this yet?”
She sniffed and shook her head. “I-I’m afraid to, Lauren.”
“Why?” she growled. “Are you afraid he’ll judge you? Call you weak? Be angry that you lost hope and faith he’d come get you?”
Tears drifted down Sky’s taut cheeks. “Yes.” The word came out as a tortured whisper.
“What else did Alexandrov do to you? Did he rape you?”
“No, thank God, he didn’t touch me except once.” Sky lifted her head, seeing no judgment in Lauren’s eyes. Her husky voice was low and warm with understanding. “After I ran away, he lost it. They had me placed in an interrogation room. He slammed me into the padded wall, grabbed me by the throat. I almost lost consciousness. I tried fighting back, but he had two soldiers there, holding me in place so I couldn’t do anything.”
“The bastards,” Lauren hissed, sitting up. She crossed her legs. “And that was the extent of the physical torture?”
Sky nodded, trying to stem the tide of tears, her fingers wet and trembling. “The rest was mental and emotional torture, day in and day out. I could feel him stalking me, wanting something from me. I had no idea what it was until much later.”
“Because the sicko wanted to impregnate you and get a second son to replace the one he lost, Vlad. But he was also a psy ops officer and a chief interrogator in Spetsnaz. He knows exactly how to get inside anyone’s defenses and destroy their hope. He broke the spirits of plenty of Russia’s enemies.” Lauren snorted violently and shook her head. “Sky, you went through hell.”
“I just wanted to survive.” Sky looked across the meadow at the huge cedar home that Cal had built. “I just wanted to come home to Cal. Come home and heal.”
Lauren scooted closer, gripping Sky’s hand. “Listen to me. All that can still happen. You have a man in that house who loves you more than life. He proved it in that firefight, Sky. He was your shield. He killed Alexandrov. What makes you think that he’d judge you on any of this? He’s been through SERE and so have you. Torture breaks people, pure and simple. You’re damned lucky you have someone like Cal who loves you so damn much, he can’t see or think straight without you in his life. All he wants Sky, is you. To hold you, help you, listen to you, comfort you when you cry, and laugh with you when you laugh.” Lauren dragged in a breath, holding Sky’s marred, tear-filled eyes. “Get your ass up and get in there and talk to him, just like you’ve talked to me. Cal will NOT judge you. You’re a warrior. Warriors fight until they realize the truth of the situation. YOU realized the truth of your situation. He can help you heal. Give him a chance?”
Sky nodded, hearing the raw passion and heart in Lauren’s rasping words. She released her hand. “Okay,” she whispered, looking over at her. “I got it.”
“You were afraid Cal would judge you. That’s what stopped you. He won’t, Sky. I’ll swear on a stack of Bibles on that one. I know this guy. We’ve pulled missions together.” Lauren stood up and offered Sky her hand. “Come on. Time to put Cal out of his and your misery. Call the ball.”
Sky nodded, gripped her hand, and stood. She picked up the book. ‘Call the ball,’ was a naval aviator term. When the pilot was flying in to land on a carrier, there was a bright orange ball on one side of the tower, and the pilot could watch it and know if he or she was flying at the correct slope and angle in order to land safely or not. At a certain point, the pilot had to commit. They had to call the ball, take the chance, and land a jet on a carrier deck; one of the most dangerous ways of landing in the world. It was another way of saying one had to have a set of balls to commit to the challenge.
Lauren cut her stride in half and walked with Sky through the meadow. It was late afternoon, and they were surrounded by the buzzing of insects, blue jays calling somewhere nearby, and the heat wafting off the land and embracing them. Lauren saw Sky shift and change. She smiled to herself.Flip a switch.Yeah, she did it all the time herself. That’s how abuse survivors survived. And if they got lucky, like Sky, they thrived because the man– or woman– or good friends who stepped into their life loved them more than anything else in the world. Lauren didn’t scoff at the idea of love healing all. Not after she’d seen the progress in Sky when Cal fell in love with her. It had convinced her it was possible. But she never thought for a moment that love would ever enter her own life.
“Tell Cal I’m leaving,” Lauren told her at the steps that led up to the kitchen door. “I’ll see him a few days.” Lauren leaned over, giving Sky a fierce, gentle hug. “Now,” she whispered against her hair, “you put your big girl panties on and get up there and tell Cal what happened. Leave NOTHING out.” Lauren released her, giving her a hard, relentless look. “Okay?”
“Okay, I read you loud and clear.”
