Page 16 of No Quarter

Closing her eyes for a moment, feeling his tragedy deeply, she choked out, “I’m so sorry. I wish… I wish I’d known this earlier…” Because she’d judged him harshly, been so cruel toward him, so… uncaring… and insensitive… Lauren felt guilt eating at her as never before. Through it all, Alex had treated her kindly, with respect, remaining open toward her despite how much she’d angrily taken verbal swipes at him, and been rude to him, treated him like he was unimportant as a human being. She had so much to make up for to him. And more than anything, Lauren knew she owed him a humble apology.

“What happened to your farm?”

“The state came in and bought it.” He shrugged. “My family had built that stone farmhouse two hundred years ago with their own hands. So many generations had lived there…”

“I-I can’t imagine the pain you and Kira went through having to walk away from that kind of wonderful life.”

Shrugging, Alex said, “It pushed me to graduate and become a combat medic and a Spetsnaz sniper operator. Kira went to university and became a nurse. She then joined the Russian army, following in my footsteps. She loved helping others, healing them.”

Lauren saw his brows fall as he packed her rifle into the nylon sheath that would protect it from the harsh jungle elements. “Your voice,” she said warily, “Did something happened to Kira?”

Alex’s brows drew down even further. He stood and put the rifle in the corner, coming to sit down on the couch opposite Lauren. “You have ears like a wolf,” he accused her darkly. “But you are a sniper.” Leaning his elbows on his thighs, hands clasped between them, Alex studied her. Lauren, amazingly, was still being open to him. There was a new softness in her gray eyes and he felt it as well. It gave him the courage to tell her what had happened to Kira. Opening his hands, he warned her, “This is going to be very disturbing for you to hear, Lauren.”

“I want to hear it.” Because she cared about Alex and had never seen him look so distressed as right now. He was hiding nothing from her. “Please?” She saw his mouth tighten and he looked away for a moment, as if considering things she knew nothing about. Finally, he turned back and held her gaze.

“Kira was at a forward Army field hospital when it was attacked by twenty Russian separatists who are terrorists,” he told her in a flat, unemotional tone. “They killed all the wounded soldiers where they lay in their cots. They killed all the doctors.” His voice died and he swallowed hard, not realizing just how tough it would be to tell another person all of this. Looking down at his tightly clasped hands, Alex rasped, “They herded the twelve nurses into a tent. They raped them repeatedly…”

“Oh, no….” Lauren felt her stomach grow tight. Nausea burned in her throat as she stared disbelievingly at Alex. His face was one of grief. Anger. Guilt. “H-how old was Kira when it happened?

“Only twenty-three,” he managed, swallowing hard. He saw Lauren’s entire expression become stunned. Her eyes widened and he saw tears in them. For Kira. “I was away on a mission, in another country, when it happened,” he added, frustration in his low tone. “I fought my commander to be released from the op in order to get to Kira’s side. To… help her… I do not know… do something…”

Lauren sat there understanding exactly what Kira had gone through. Only, it hadn’t been a bunch of animal-like soldiers who had repeatedly raped Lauren herself. “How was she doing when you saw her?”

“Two days later, I arrived at the hospital in St. Petersburg where she was being kept along with the other injured nurses. Kira was in a ward with her friends who had also been raped. Three died during it. Half of those who survived were catatonic. They were… not there… in shock… their souls torn from them…” Alex heaved out a sigh and said, “Kira was not like that, but she was traumatized and in deep shock. It was… well… it was painful for her and for me. I was a man,” and he looked up, helplessness in his expression. “It had been men that had hurt her so badly.”

“She was afraid of you even though you were her brother?”

His shoulders slumped. “Yes.” His throat tightened. “And we had always been so close. I watched out for Kira because she is my little sister. I was supposed to protect her but,” and Alex wiped his mouth, shook his head and muttered, “I failed her. I was not there when she needed me the most…” and he looked away because tears burned in his eyes.

Alex didn’t realize the profound guilt and sorrow he carried until he’d spoken the words out loud. And then, he abruptly realized what Lauren had just asked him. How could she know that Kira feared him because he was a man and because men had harmed her? Studying her anguished features, Alex felt thunderstruck as another realization about Lauren exploded into his awareness.

CHAPTER 6

Lauren tried toplug her escaping emotions, her grief for what Kira had experienced. Alex continued to suffer, just as Kira did, but in a different way. “Listen, Alex, you can’t gig yourself for not being there. That’s not logical. I’m sure, knowing you like I do; you’ve done everything humanly possible to help Kira.”

His sense of helplessness, rage, and frustration churned through Alex. Only Lauren’s suddenly husky, soft voice took some of his pain away. He studied her, and the silence grew between them. But it wasn’t a tense silence. Maybe, some sort of unspoken understanding passed between them. His heart tumbled into deeper anguish. Lauren didn’t deserve to have been injured like that, either. Two women in his life who meant the world to him, had both had their souls murdered by men who were monsters.

Alex rubbed his face, unable to hold the understanding look in Lauren’s eyes. “I carry that,” he told her gruffly. “I will always carry it. It was my duty to be there for my little sister. Kira was innocent… unable to fight back, to defend herself. She had no one to come to her rescue…”

Lauren felt a chill within her. His words were low and emotional, as if torn from him, not wanting to be given voice. She thought about her own experiences. Knew what it felt like to be abandoned. Help had never come to her, either. The pain she carried never stopped. That, no matter how much she’d screamed for help, no one had ever heard her.

Something within nudged her to get up, and Lauren moved beyond her own pain. Walking over to Alex, she leaned down and slid her arm around his broad shoulders. She hugged him with all her woman’s strength, her cheek resting against his head. “Alex, don’t do this to yourself. Kira understands why you couldn’t have been there for her when it happened.” Tears caught in Lauren’s throat, her voice strained as she whispered unsteadily, “It’s more important that you are there for her now. The BEST thing you can do for her, Alex, is to love her. If she’ll allow you to hold her when she cries, that will mean so much to her. Just let her talk. Be her witness, and you will help her healing process along.”

Lauren reluctantly withdrew her arm from around his sagging shoulders. She straightened up, quickly wiping away the tears that threatened to fall. She did not want Alex to see her cry. It just wouldn’t work. And she was far too vulnerable because of what he’d just shared with her. Moving around the coffee table, Lauren sat down across it from him.

Alex was struggling, his head bowed, his hands clasped so tight between his legs that his knuckles were turning white. She could feel the massive load of grief and guilt he carried for his forever wounded sister. And Alex had no one to turn to, either. Not his parents. Nor his grandparents.No one.Neither of them had anyone who could support them emotionally. They were more alike than Lauren had ever imagined: wounded, shattered human beings just trying to survive the day they were in. They shared a similar trauma, a darkness that bled through their collective souls. Rape not only harmed the woman, but injured her family as well. They ALL suffered. Lauren understood Alex’s helplessness. And maybe, in some small way, she could become his witness to it, because it was clear that he deeply loved his sister and was loyal to her in ways she rarely saw between two people.

Alex slowly raised his head, pushed his damp palms down his thighs and studied Lauren in the silence. “Thank you for your kindness.” He’d never expected it. That Lauren had the remarkable courage to step outside her own wounds and extend her care to him, stunned Alex and made him reel internally. Emotionally, he felt like he was unraveling, never having expected Lauren to aid him in such a moment of private and personal grief. But she had. He’d felt her arm, so warm and strong and steadying, wrap around his shoulders, her brow pressed against his temple, her warm breath soft against his cheek and neck. And her words had been so low, and fraught with ragged feelings. It was the most emotional he’d ever seen Lauren, except for those times when she’d been angry at him.

Dragging in a torn breath, Alex managed a twisted grimace as he held her glistening gray gaze. It looked as if she were going to cry. For Kira. For himself. He didn’t know many people who had that kind of rock-solid resilience. Humbled by her selflessness, Alex felt the tenderness Lauren had hidden from him until just now. There was such a profound softness to her heart. That heart that she hid from the world, but had just gifted him with.

“One day,” Alex said, his voice rough, “I want Kira to meet you. I think you two would like each other very much.”Because you are mirror reflections of one another in so many important ways.“You would like Kira’s healing ability. Whomever she touches, they respond. They always get better, sooner,” and Alex smiled faintly, remembering how open, how effervescent, Kira had been before being gang-raped. It were as if someone had stolen the life-giving sunlight from her, and had hurled her into total, ongoing darkness for the rest of her life.

“I’d like that,” Lauren murmured. “She sounds like a wonderful person. Doing good in the world, and helping others who are suffering is commendable. She is trying to ease their pain.” Even though hers would never be eased. Rape didn’t go away. It was a toxic stain on the woman’s soul forever; like an acid eating into her every day 24-7-365. It never stopped.

Nodding, Alex slowly rose, feeling bruised internally by their discussion. He gave her a thoughtful look. “And you know that I am here for you, Lauren? I know I am a man, but I can be here for you anyway? If you need me?” Because, God help him, Alex wanted to walk those few feet between them, sweep Lauren into his arms, and just hold her. Hold her, and let her feel safety for once in her life. She’d turned tragedy into victory. Instead of being a victim, Lauren had done something positive with her life. Her decision had been to become a sniper, to become the hunter. Instead of having control ripped away from her, she now controlled the life and death of her target. Alex was finally beginning to understand the inner foundation of Lauren. Piecing her together, a little at a time. Seeing the larger picture of who she was, and who she had become. Why she acted the way she did. How she saw the world through the distortion of her wounds. That gave him hope that, perhaps someday, Kira could emerge from that visceral shadow that still controlled her. He knew that his sister had strength like Lauren. Alex felt relief so deeply within his heart, that it actually gave him a tiny glimpse of hope that Lauren could, someday, learn to trust him. As a man.

Alex, that evening,took Lauren to a restaurant, Feliz Navidad by name, to eat. They needed to make their faces known to the locals, so that the populace would come to recognize them and, from then on, think nothing of their comings and goings. It was dusk, the heavy white clouds descending rapidly like fog from hundreds of feet above the bustling town. Machu Picchu was clothed in a white raiment, only the lower levels still visible. The wide concrete ramp between the tightly-packed buildings was crowded with the nonstop foot traffic of tourists. Protective of Lauren, Alex placed his hand lightly on the small of her back, intent on keeping her close to him. Some tourists watched where they were going. Most did not, enamored with the sights, sounds, and small businesses offering so many distractions. Alex quickly glanced over to see if Lauren minded his contact. He got his answer when she moved a little closer to him, no stress in her expression. Role-acting? Or real? How he wanted it to be a genuine reaction from Lauren toward him. Because Alex had promised to himself, on his life, that he would never let her be harmed. His life for hers. It was an easy choice to make.

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