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“Because,” Alex wondered aloud, “if she had confronted your foster father, he may have left her? Left both of you? Would your mother be so afraid of standing on her own in life, that she allowed him to do whatever he wanted to you, instead?”
It sounded so cold and brutal coming from Alex. Squeezing her eyes shut, hot tears rushing into her eyes again, Lauren whispered unsteadily, “That’s what I always thought years later, after I grew up.”
“Where is your mother now?”
“Dead. She died of a heart attack when I was nineteen.” Her voice sounded flat, unemotional, even for her.
“But you ran away when you were twelve? Yes? You went to your grandparents’ house? Your real father’s parents? Asking for help?”
Her throat tightened. “Yes, I fought off my foster father one night. I managed to get out of his arms as he tried to pull me down into that damned basement. I ran and got a huge iron skillet from the stove and, when he came after me, I swung it at him. I hit him in the head and knocked him out. I was so scared, Alex. I-I thought I’d killed him. I panicked. I ran upstairs, grabbed the suitcase I always had packed from the closet and I ran out into the night. I’d taken my mother’s cell phone she kept in the living room. I called my grandparents.” She wiped her cheek. “They drove over immediately, found me along the dirt road, and they took me to their home.” Her voice thickened. “A real home… they loved me. I told them what had happened. And they cried with me. My grandmother called the police.” She shrugged wearily. “It was ugly and stressful on me… on my mother… him…”
“And your foster father was placed in prison? Yes?”
Nodding, Lauren muttered, “Yeah, to this day, the bastard’s in a prison in California. He got life with no parole. It made me happy.”
Alex heard the gritty anger in her voice. “And your mother? What happened to her after he was sent to prison?”
“She lost it. Went crazy, I guess. I didn’t want to see her, and the court ordered her to stay away from me. My grandparents took full custody of me and they were like big, bad guard dogs. They kept me safe. They helped me so much… so much…”
“And then, you decided to follow in your real father’s footsteps? You joined the Marines Corps?”
Nodding, Lauren closed her eyes, feeling her heart settling down. She was beginning to breathe easier, the terror within her dissolving. “I love him so much, Alex. My father is a REAL hero. I-I wanted him to be proud of me. I wanted to be like him. He would take me fishing and he’d tell me stories about how he and his men helped save Afghan villagers from the Taliban. I could listen to his stories forever. He said it was important that every American give something back and be held accountable. That we should help pay for the freedom we have. He inspired me, Alex.”
“Yes, he did, in the best of ways,Malen ’kaya… in the best of ways. You have helped earn the freedom your country has, and I know you have made him proud. How could he not be?” and he eased her away, just enough to see her luminous eyes lit by a bolt of lightning flashing in the distance. Her face was haunted by the past, her eyes so large and vulnerable. Alex tucked her head beneath his chin, holding her.
“I fought to get into sniper school. I was the first woman to break down those doors to the good-ole-boys club.” Her voice became firmer. “They had to take me. My father’s name, who he was, preceded me and they knew him. And I was given a chance. And I took it. I graduated at the head of my class. The only woman. And I had the highest score any sniper student ever held at graduation.”
“I am sure your father was standing there the day they awarded you the hog’s tooth,” and he smiled faintly, sliding his fingers slowly through her loosened hair. Sometime during the night, the rubber band had broken, releasing the silky strands. “So very proud of his beautiful, brave daughter.”
“I felt him,” she whispered. “I felt my father’s presence there. I felt how proud he was of me. But the truth is, he was with me every day I was there, Alex. I felt him with me. It was so real. And I know he was silently helping me, supporting me.”
“And now? Is he here with you now?”
“No… not usually. I always felt him come to me when I’m scared.” Lauren pulled slightly out of Alex’s arms, just enough to look up at him. “That’s funny,” she croaked, giving him a confused look. “When I met you, my father left my side. He hasn’t been back since… well… since I first met you.” She saw Alex’s somber expression as the lightning flashed again. Saw the anguish in his eyes—for her. Feeling absorbed in his arms around her, she saw a faint smile cross his mouth. “Why are you smiling?”
Alex’s arms urged her gently back into their full circle around her. She felt so right. She fitted against him as if they’d been waiting their entire lives for this moment. “Perhaps your father sees in me a man who will not only care for you, but protect you,Malen ‘kaya. Your father always comes when you feel unsafe? Yes?”
Lauren nodded. “Yes.” She closed her eyes, feeling utterly exhausted. “Alex… I’m so tired…”
“I know you are,” he rasped. “Would you like me to lay down and you lay in my arms beside me? I will hold you, Lauren, nothing more. I think you need to feel safe right now?”
His simple words summed up how she felt. Nodding, Lauren whispered, “Yes… I’d like that…”
Alex eased her out of his arms, lay down on his side, and then slid his hand into hers, guiding Lauren down next to him. She trusted him. There was no hesitation. He drew her into his arms once again, settling her back against his front, and then found the corner of the other reflective blanket, drawing it up over them to keep them warm. The passing thunderstorm had made it feel much cooler; even cold.
As Lauren relaxed against him, resting her head into the crook of his shoulder, he felt her hand reach hesitantly across his chest. Was she worried he might try to kiss her? Behave as her foster father had toward her? His intuition told him to give her a harbor of solace and that was all. Even though he wanted to kiss her, make love to her, show her that a man could give her a world of wonder and pleasure, he enforced tight control over himself, over his body. He heard a soft, broken sigh whisper from her parted lips, felt her relax utterly in his arms, against him. It nearly broke Alex emotionally because he realized how much stronger Lauren was than Kira had managed to be up to this point. Lauren had endured four long years of constant sexual abuse. Kira had been gang-raped once. Yet, the startling difference made him understand just how resilient Lauren really was. He was humbled by her quiet, ongoing bravery.
“My mother,” he told her in a rasp,” when she put me and Kira to bed at night, would sit down on the edge of the bed. She would tuck us in, touch our hair, our cheeks, kiss us and tell us that now our guardian angels would come. And when they flew into our room, they would lovingly embrace each of us within their wings. And as they did, we would fall to sleep and we would have only good dreams. Go to sleep, Lauren. As you close your eyes, your guardian angel will come to you, enfold you in her wings and she will carry you off to a healing sleep. Where there are no bad dreams to chase you…”
Alex felt her sag against him, her breath softening, becoming shallow, telling him that she was sleeping within the wings of her guardian angel. And perhaps, on some level of herself, she might realize he too, was her guardian. Certainly not an angel, but someone on this side of the veil where humans lived, who would protect her.Always. Forever.
He continued to lightly stroke her hair, thick and silky strands between his fingers. Lauren had always responded positively to his touch since they’d made peace with one another. Could he dare hope that she had the courage to reach out and love him someday? She hadn’t said anything about past relationships but, given what had happened to her, Alex could not imagine Lauren had ever slept with a man consensually. He winced as he thought of Kira, of her crying and telling him she never, ever wanted to have sex again. Never be touched by another man. It broke him in ways he never realized he could be broken.
And yet, as he held Lauren, gave her that harbor of safety, he felt her internal strength, perhaps even an inner-knowing that he would not hurt her. Finally, she had been able to separate him from her foster father. The relief was huge, and he openly wondered if Lauren could take the next step? Did she realize how much he was falling helplessly in love with her? That he saw every day they were together as an incredible gift? That she was his earth-angel? That he would be her wings? Those wings that kept her safe at night?
If Lauren had no experience with relationships, Alex knew she would not pick up on his subtle signals that should have told her, long before now, that he was very interested in being involved with her. She hadn’t. Instead, she had interpreted his signals as those of a man threatening to her. And she’d walled him off to protect herself from what she perceived was her foster father coming to get her all over again.
Damn.Alex kept in check his simmering rage over how that man could have harmed an innocent child. How could he? What kind of monster was he that he could have done this to Lauren? All children, his mother had told him, were born innocent. God did not make monsters and murderers. Bad parents made bad children, she’d told him when he was in his mid-teens. She used to shake her finger in Alex’s face and tell him good parents loved their children, cared for them, protected them but allowed them to be wild and free. She’d warned him that he was growing to be as tall, or even taller, than his father. That he would be a giant. And, as a giant, he must realize that he might scare girls and women. That he must conduct himself with care around them. Oh, the lessons his wise mother had given him! As Alex drew some of Lauren’s hair close to his face and pressed the silky strands to his nose, inhaling the scent of her on them, he silently thanked his mother. She’d taught him respect of women. Patience with them. That they were his equal.Always.
