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“It’s a good fit,” Lauren agreed, appreciating his openness.
“I heard you scream last night,” he offered quietly, giving her a concerned look.
“Oh… that… a flashback revisited me,” she grumped. “I’m sorry if I woke you. I didn’t think anyone would hear my scream as I woke up with all the thunder booming around the area.”
“Wolf ears,” Merrill said, smiling a bit. “PTSD from combat engagements?”
“Yes.” Lauren didn’t like to lie to the soldier, but she didn’t want to drag her childhood into it.
“We all have PTSD,” he said. “There’s been times when one of the three of us would wake the others up over the same kind of thing: a nightmare or a repeat flashback. How are you feeling this morning?”
Appreciating his care, she said, “I’m okay. Alex woke up and walked me back from it. He’s no stranger to PTSD, either.”
Nodding, Merrill sipped his coffee. “Anyone in our business is going to get nightmares like that. I’m glad you’re feeling okay this morning, though. Sometimes, it hangs around for a day. I hate those kind.”
“I’m over it,” she assured him. She saw Alex return. Like everyone else, he was armed, a pistol on his hip.
Merrill looked at his watch. “Time for me to relieve Killmer. My turn for standing duty,” and he got up, placing his emptied cup on the log.
As Alex came over and retrieved his cup that sat on the log by Lauren, he nodded to Merrill as the younger man headed to his hut to retrieve his rifle.
“So, did Killmer appreciate your thoughtfulness?” Lauren asked Alex as he sat down on the log, coffee in hand.
“Surprised, perhaps,” he said. “He does not trust me, and I’m fine with that.”
“He’s a throwback,” Lauren growled under breath, holding the tin cup between her hands to warm up her fingers.
“Yes, but his experience has been built on everything he knows or does not know, and that is a good way for an operator to be. Personally? I like him. He and Nate saved my life at that village. I owe them.”
Her mouth tightened and she said nothing, each of them drinking their coffee. Finally, after Merrill had headed up the trail, she said, “We need to talk, Alex.”
He sat on the log, the cup between his large hands. “About last night?”
“You have the patience of Job,” she began. “You never got angry with me for waking you out of a dead sleep last night. You were never defensive… Instead? You helped me.”
He smiled a little. “You are true alpha female wolf, there is no question. You were disoriented, you were panicked and did not know where you were. I knew it had to be PTSD of some sort that had entrapped you.” He gave her a warm look. “I always looked beyond the walls you put up. Despite that, I saw the real you. The woman who sits with me right now. We shared that terrible moment together, last night.”
Shaking her head, touched by his simple words, her throat tightening, Lauren said shakily, “You’re a far better human being than I’ll ever be, Alex. You put up with such shit from me. And you can honestly sit here and tell me that you’re okay with how I treated you when I first met you? How I made you suffer?”
“I am no saint, either,malen ‘kaya. For example,” and Alex gave her a shy glance, “I always liked you from the moment I saw you.”
“Well,” Lauren said grimly, giving him a look of disbelief, “you sure did suffer in that hell I put you through at the office. I was really mean and ugly toward you and I shouldn’t have been. You must have seen something in me that I’m completely unaware of, because I feel guilty now over my treatment toward you.”
He gave her gentle look. “That is the past and it is done and gone. If you would allow me to introduce you to your own beauty, your heart that is so innocent and beautiful within you, Lauren, that it is all I would ever want.” Alex held her widening eyes as his words sank in and he saw understanding in them. They were a beautiful dove-gray, her pupils huge and black. “Is that possible? Do I dare to dream of such a time in the future with you? After we finish this mission? Perhaps we can start over?”
Swallowing against a lump, Lauren felt the full brunt of his raw emotions toward her. She had never been in love. She’d seen other people in love. Had wished she could have what Sky and Cal shared. Their love was so touching to Lauren. Deep, broad and forever. “I guess,” she admitted quietly, “I never dreamed of trusting another man who would… who would make me want to be in his company, to laugh and cry together. Does that make sense to you, Alex?”
“Yes,malen ‘kaya, it does. I know you have already given me a certain amount of your trust. Here is what I can promise you going forward: I will ALWAYS hold your heart gently in my hands. You will never have a reason to fear me. What I hold in my heart,” and he pressed his hand against his chest, “is that you are an angel who has come down to earth to rescue this poor, sorry-looking Ukrainian peasant. That he does not deserve you, but that you fill his heart to overflowing. That you fulfill every dream, every wish he has ever had.”
Tears came to her eyes. His words were low, rich with emotion, and flowed into her heart. Alex’s expression was so readable. Lauren was struck again by how easy it was for him to be fully honest and vulnerable with her. And it was so hard for her to be that way with anyone. Except with Alex. “It won’t be easy,” Lauren warned him. “I’m not perfect, Alex. I-I have so many issues… shadows in my life that rise up at sudden times and I have no control over them…”
“Then,” he rumbled, sharing a gentle smile with her, “we will walk through these shadow times together. We will talk. We will dream a better and new life for you, together. We will be a team just as we are right now, Lauren.”
She drew in a ragged breath. “Okay,” she said, “a day at a time?”
“Always. Dreams are built on the bricks of the day beneath our feet.”
Dreams.She’d never had any. And Alex had so many. Maybe he had dreamed for both of them? She drowned in his hazel eyes, feeling the utter warmth, the fierce love he held for her. Lauren thought it was love, but wasn’t sure. But it was something that felt so incredibly wonderful, so life-affirming, so hopeful, that she wanted more of it. And Alex wanted to give it to her. And she would accept it from him. “I don’t know what happiness is,” she admitted with a half shrug.
