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Frowning, she managed to croak, “What do you mean?”
“You were traumatized as a young child. Yes?”
She gave a hesitant nod.
He held her hand gently, tracing each long, beautiful finger. “I have seen this same reaction you are experiencing. On the battlefield,” he began quietly. “Men I knew and fought with, who I knew about their personal lives… their trauma they’d endured while growing up. How they tried to protect themselves from it, Lauren, by shielding themselves so they could not be hurt again. And then, they took a bullet. And it shattered them, again, but I saw something good come out of it, in some of them. They were close friends with me, like we are, and I watched them open up, cry, and talking with me, sometimes for hours, to share the story of their first trauma as a child. And later, I saw being shot became an opening for them to heal that older wound, even though they had been physically wounded the second time with a second trauma. Whatever this psychological mechanism? It inspired my friends to take on the challenge of healing themselves as best they could from the original childhood experiences.”
He gently squeezed her hand. “Perhaps? This is a window of opportunity for you to reclaim the lost parts of your childhood, Lauren? Those parts that did not participate in world like most people do. Now? You are aware of what you have missed, and you want to know… perhaps immerse yourself into exploring those areas at your own pace.” He gave her a sad smile. “It is like a second chance at life… an unexpected opportunity… filled with more hope, more happiness, for that person. That is what I have seen over the years as a combat medic. Being shot was a blessing in disguise because it pried open that vault of horrors, pain and terror that my friends had carried all their lives, and they were finally able to release it. And it cleansed them in a way that, to me, seemed like a miracle. As they healed from the first trauma, this second, physical trauma, their bullet wound, they grew hopeful, no more depression, no more hiding behind their shields, no longer afraid to test or taste the richness that life could offer them going forward. As they healed from that bullet wound, they healed the early wound and then turned around, and embraced all of life for the first time.” He cocked his head. “Is this making any sense to you about your own trauma?”
She closed her eyes and nodded, her fingers tightening around his. “Yes,” she choked out, opening her eyes and holding his tender gaze, “it does… and I feel like such a coward. I don’t want to go back to who I was before this second wounding, back into my shell.” Frustration tinged the words as they rushed out of her. “You have given me so much, Alex. It’s the way you have treated me, been kind and helpful to me in large and small ways. I never thought a man like you could exist. I was always distrusting of most of them. Until you came along.” She shook her head. “At first, I thought you were like them, but after learning so much more about you, and how much Sky and Cal trusted you. And because I trusted them, I began to trust and see you differently from the rest of them.”
“And then,” Alex offered, “the second trauma happened… you almost dying…”
She rubbed her eyes and her hands dropped into her lap. “I remembered thinking that I’d just found you and now, I was going to die…”
“But you did not. You are alive. You are processing a huge, life-changing ordeal, Lauren. It is a chance for you to change your life and, I hope, for the better. I am here. I will always be someone who you can trust, who has your back.” He pressed his hand to his chest. His voice dropped to an emotional rasp. “Perhaps you do not want to hear this, and perhaps it is the wrong time to tell you this, but I must say it: As I was trying to save your life on that muddy hillside, in the dark, hearing you barely able to breathe, I breathed for you. I kept saying, I love you, do not die, please, let us have a chance to hold and love one another…”
Lauren stared at him, her heart thudding once to underscore what he’d just shared with her. She saw the turmoil in his eyes. He was suffering just as much as she was, she realized. “I didn’t know what love was, Alex. I kept feeling this wonderful sensation in my chest every time I was around you. It felt like my heart was opening up, and it was so strange to me that it scared me. I’ve never been in love. I don’t know what love is. But, since going to Peru with you, everything has changed. I just feel so tenuous right now, so unsure of myself and I’m afraid to trust how I feel toward you.”
“Only one thing will cure you of that,” he said, giving her a slight smile. “Hang around with me, Lauren. Get to know me, frog warts and all.”
Her heart opened powerfully as Alex struggled to communicate with her on such an important, personal level. She didn’t have the heart to let him know the slang wasn’t correct. She whispered, “Idowant to be around you. I’m afraid you’ll get tired of me being underfoot.”
He shook his head. “I promise you, that will NEVER happen. Ever. You move my heart, my soul, Lauren. I live to see your hair tumble around your shoulders when you allow it to be free from that horse tail. I live to see your eyes grow light because I know you are happy and at peace. I want nothing more than to hear you laugh, to see you smile, because no one, and I mean no one, deserves this gift of freedom to love me in return more than you do.”
Tears burned in her eyes and she held his darkening gaze, seeing that, he too, had suffered just as much as she had. “Does love hurt, too?”
“If you love, then there is always a chance that if you lose the other person, or they are taken away from you, or they suddenly die… yes, the pain is the deepest I know of. If you do not love because of fear you may one day experience that kind of pain and suffering might happen? Not loving someone because of that? To me, that choice is not the answer. I would rather love and then lose the person I love, than never to have allowed myself to love them in the first place.”
She straightened and looked around the room. “There is nothing but suffering, grief and pain in this world, Alex.”
“That is true, but there is also love in this world to balance off that darkness, too, Lauren. No matter if you love your child that comes from your body, or you love your husband, or your dog, or the neighbor’s children or some elderly person or the beggar on the street, it is worth it to me to feel that beautiful emotion. I can’t answer that question for you. I wish I could because I believe we could share a wonderful life filled with love, with happiness, laughter and joy with one another. You have to make that decision. No one can make it for you.”
Frowning, Lauren said quietly, “Sky told me that you’d lost your entire family, parents, grandparents and others and yet, you want to love me? I don’t lead a safe life, Alex. Nor do you.”
“All of that is true,” he admitted heavily. He rubbed his chest. “But I guess I am an optimist, I always hope, I always see the good in people. Yes, I know there are bad people in this world. I want to always have hope alive in my heart. I want goodness for this world, for helping others, feeling good at supporting them no matter their age or who they are. I believe our heart, our ability to love, is the better choice.”
Lauren’s brow creased and she asked, “Do you really think there’s hope for someone like me?”
“You, more than most,Malen ‘kaya. We cannot erase your past, but we can put our energy and what is important to us, allowing your past to finally be healed, and us moving into the present with one another. When you love someone? There are two people involved. If they love one another? That is two times the love that they will share with one another. Love is the most powerful, the most beautiful and healing emotion we own as human beings. I hope that my love for you will support your heart to trust me enough to someday, reach out and love me in return,” and he held her glistening gaze, tears moving down her cheeks.
Leaning forward, he cupped her face, and removed that moisture from her warm skin. Her pupils were large and black, that soft dove-gray surrounding them. Leaning over, he whispered against her parting lips, “This is what love between two people feels like…” and he met her lips that were moist with salty tears as he skimmed them with his own, waiting for her to respond. And she did, a low pleasurable sound vibrating in her throat. Alex felt her initial reaction as he continued to gently move his lips against her mouth’s response to his overture. Joy surged through him as she responded strongly, taking him by surprise, a wave of pleasure thundering through his chest, his heart beginning to pound with such joy that he had to rein in his physical response to her reaction. Slowly parting from her lips, he could hear her breathing a little faster, as was he, their gazes clinging to one another, both drowning in the powerful feelings that they had unleashed through that simple kiss.
“This,” he whispered against her lips, “is how love feels between two people…”
CHAPTER 21
The late Septembersun was low on the horizon, the day growing cooler as Lauren and Alex sat on the sundeck after the delicious barbecue meal. Being able to hear the birds sing their last songs before the cover of night was drawn across the sky, Lauren was content to sit in the two-person rocker with Alex. His arm was around her and she rested her cheek against his shoulder, her other hand covered his heart. Closing her eyes, she whispered, “This is perfect… all of this… I never dreamed I could ever be so happy, Alex.” She opened her eyes, shifting her chin to catch his downward gaze at her. He gently squeezed her shoulder.
“I had so many dreams of you after I met you and you wanted nothing to do with me.”
She sighed. “I was awful toward you.”
“Well,” he murmured, kissing the top of her head, “I survived.”
“Because you dreamed?” She studied him as he looked back off into the distance across the darkening lake.
“In my heart,” he said, “I knew you were the woman I had been waiting for all my life. It did not matter to me that you did not like me at first. I knew with time and patience; I could show you I was not someone to dislike or see me, a man, as a threat.”
