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“When’s Mama coming home?”
I stared at her, my throat threatening to close. Tears were already lining her eyes, so she knew my answer.
“We’ve talked about this, Em,” I whispered, tightening my hold on her. “Mama isn’t coming home. She’s…” I trailed off. What was I supposed to say? “She’s in Heaven now.”
“But I thought she was supposed to talk to me,” she said quietly. “She never talks to me.”
“Why did you think that, baby?” I dropped the book to the bed and wrapped my other arm around her.
“You said she’s always with me. But she hasn’t talked or played. And I can’t see her.”
Tears burned the back of my nose as I rested my head against the white painted iron headboard. Squeezing my eyes shut, I took a deep breath.
“I meant that she’s with you in your heart.” My voice came out too raw. “You can’t see or touch her, but a part of her still lives inside you.” Emma nestled back into my side, her head resting on my chest.
She hadn’t asked about Meredith in a while. Not that I thought she’d forgotten about her, but when she stopped asking, I stopped bringing her up. But maybe seeing Rae brought up some memories or big feelings for her. Maybe they’d talked about Meredith.
I didn’t know what to say or do.
“Read, Daddy.” She jabbed her little finger at the book, and I took another deep breath, forcing my emotions away. My hand shook as I opened the book, my voice tight as I began to read.
Emma clutched Uni tightly to her chest as she listened. I didn’t know how I zoned out while reading, and I didn’t know when she fell asleep. But by the time I shut the book again, she was breathing deeply, her mouth slightly open.
I brushed her hair back and kissed her forehead, letting my lips linger for a moment. I wanted to take her pain and confusion away. But I couldn’t and it made me feel helpless.
One day, she’d truly understand what happened to Meredith, and it would break her heart all over again. And I couldn’t save her from that pain, either.
Gently, I pushed to my feet and tucked her rainbow blanket tightly over her before quietly putting the book away and turning on her nightlight. I shut the door nearly the entire way, and leaned against the wall, my eyes shut and hand running through my hair.
Maybe I should try to start dating, just so Emma could have a mother again. I knew no one could truly replace Meredith, but maybe having a woman around, one like a mother to her, might make her feel better. It might help with her outbursts and she might help me know how to navigate being a fucking parent.
Drink.
I needed a drink.
I couldn’t fix anything tonight, but I could drink my way through a few glasses of scotch before turning in. It seemed to be the only way I could actually sleep anymore.
Making my way through the dark and silent house, I rounded the corner into the kitchen and ran straight into Reagan. My hands shot out, grabbing her arms before she could fall. The water in her glass sloshed over the side, soaking her shirt and sleep shorts.
“Shit,” she breathed, holding the glass away. “Shit. Shit. Sorry. I’ll clean this. Shit.”
“Rae.” She ignored me while she stepped over the small puddle on the floor and grabbed a towel. “Reagan.” She dropped to her knees, and I winced at the impact as she scrubbed the water on the floor.
She was doing too much. Her movements were too frantic.
Crouching, I grabbed her hand, stilling her. “Are you okay?” I asked. Her eyes met mine in the shadowed kitchen, and I watched her throat bob as she swallowed thickly.
“Fine,” she whispered. “I just—I’m sorry for the mess.” I glanced at the now-dry floor.
“It was just a bit of water,” I said. “It’s not a big deal.” She shook her head as I spoke.
“I should’ve been more careful.” I’d never seen her like this. Torn up about something, yes. But genuinely upset over spilling some water?
“It was dark, and you didn’t hear me.” Again, she shook her head like that wasn’t a good enough excuse. “Rae. It’s fine. What’s really wrong?”
“Nothing,” she breathed, yanking her hand from my grasp. Standing, she twisted the towel between her hands nervously. “I’ll get this in the wash—”
“Will you stop?” I barked. Her shoulders stiffened, and I immediately regretted my tone.
