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I turned my blinker on as I moved into the turning lane, pausing as a stupid amount of cars soared past me. I pretended like paying attention to the traffic was what kept me from speaking, but we both knew I was stalling.
It was just that I didn't know where to even begin.
Finally, I sighed. "After my date with Benji, Eli was drunk..."
I told her everything as I drove through the mall parking lot, looking for a parking spot. Honestly, I was more surprised that she stayed silent the entire time. By the time I was done, we were parked and she was twisted in her seat staring at me, her mouth hanging open.
“I can’t believe they were getting a divorce,” she said, and I nodded my agreement. Yeah, everything he’d told me was still a shock to me, too. “And that Meredith was a total bitch to him. I mean, I knew she was a cunt to everyone else, but him? I thought—”
“She’s still my sister,” I said defensively, and Lily rolled her eyes.
“Oh, please. You’ve said worse about her.”
“Yeah, but I’m allowed to.”
“And I’m not?”
I took a deep breath as I stared straight ahead. The parking lot was packed and people were walking everywhere. Somehow, I blacked out while telling Lily everything and found a space in seemingly no time.
“So, he clearly wants you,” she continued.
“He said he doesn’t want needy,” I muttered. She stayed silent for a long moment before clearing her throat.
“You’re not needy,” she said softly. I turned to look at her, finding her staring down at her lap. “Just because you want to know your man wants and desires you doesn’t make you needy.”
“But feeling like he has to tell me he loves me everyday—”
“Is an expectation,” she interrupted, looking up at me. I swallowed thickly. “You’re not asking for too much, Rae. And the right man won’t feel like you’re too needy, either. The right one will be more than willing to give you everything you need to feel secure.”
Logically, I knew she was right. That’s how it was supposed to be, right? But finding a guy like that felt impossible.
“Right,” I breathed, rubbing my forehead. “You’re right.”
“I know,” she chirped. I slid my eyes to her, finding her smiling. It didn’t feel like a real smile, though. Something was off.
“What’s new with you?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at her.
“Nothing,” she said too quickly. I straightened and turned more toward her.
“Okay, so now I know something is definitely going on,” I said. “What is it?” She sighed as she pressed her back harder into the car seat.
“Dad’s just being impossible again,” she muttered. “And Atticus is—” She cut herself off, giving me a sidelong glance.
“Atticus is…” I trailed off, waiting for her to finish her thought, but she just shook her head. Atticus was Theo’s best friend, basically like his brother. She always butted heads with both of them, but for whatever reason, it felt like lately, she’d been fighting with Atticus more than usual.
But I decided to leave it alone. Unlike my best friend, I didn’t pry into her business. If she wanted to tell me, she would. Something about this shit with Atty made me feel like something much bigger than her usual drama was going on.
“I’m fine,” she finally sighed. I gave her a look, and she huffed out a laugh. “Really. I’m good.”
“Whatever you say.” She grinned and grabbed my hand, squeezing it tightly.
“You good?”
I thought about it for a moment. I wasn’t good. I was stressing about Eli, and a little voice at the back of my head had me stressing about Benji. I didn’t know how to navigate what was happening. I couldn’t cut Eli out of my life, not when I still wanted to see Emma. And I didn’t want to ruin things with Benji. Not because I saw them going anywhere permanent, but he was a good guy and I didn’t want to hurt him.
Maybe I should just end things with him before they really begin. We’d only had one date, it wasn’t like he was in love with me.
15
