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I don't know how he managed to do that, jerk every emotion out of me so quickly, and leave me feeling like...this. Not empty, but not full, either.
Wanting.
He left me wanting, and I don't know if I loved or hated him for it.
18
reagan
Lily gaveme a bewildered look as she took a sip of her tea. "And he just passed out on the couch?"
"Yep," I sighed. "He didn't trust himself not to want more with me." I rolled my eyes as I ran my hand through my hair and leaned back, resting my head against the couch.
It'd been a week since Eli came home drunk, and I still had no idea why. He'd been avoiding me like the fucking plague since that night, too. If it wasn't for dinnertime, I wouldn't see him. Emma wouldn't see him, either.
After dinner, he retreated to his room and would stay there until the next morning. Sometimes, he wouldn't even have time to get his coffee or breakfast. He'd just poke his head into the kitchen and say goodbye to us, then head out.
I didn't know what I'd done wrong, if anything. But I wanted to fix things. He just looked so down and lost and alone. I wanted to be there for him, but his walls were up and impossible to break through.
"Did he even ask what you wanted?" Lily asked. I slid my eyes to her. "I mean, obviously, you wanted him to fuck you."
"Lily!" I laughed and threw a couch pillow at her. It barely missed her tea, and she gave me a wicked grin.
"Come on," she said. "Didn't you want to—"
"It doesn't matter," I muttered, my smile falling.
"Do you like him?"
"Can we just drop this?" I asked, and she shook her head. "I'm planning on going to the next retreat. I have Benji—" She barked out a laugh, but I ignored her. "What? And on top of everything else, he's my sister's husband."
"But, from what you've told me, they weren't even happy," she said.
"It doesn't matter, does it?"
"Look," she sighed, running her hand through her blonde hair. "I'm just saying that sometimes things aren't black or white, good or bad, you know? It's not bad if you have feelings for him." I opened my mouth to argue, and she held her hand up. "I know you're making excuses because you're scared. I understand. But you're not a bad person for wanting to be with him."
"But he doesn't want to be with me," I mumbled. She snorted another laugh before taking a sip of her tea.
Emma squealed as she soared out of her bedroom and into the living room, her eyes wide and panicked. I immediately jumped to my feet. Surprisingly, Lily was right beside me.
"What is it?" I asked, grabbing Emma's arm, ready to haul her away from whatever made her scream like that.
"Uni!" she cried, holding her toy out to me. I paused and glanced down at it. It was covered in purple slime.
"Did it throw up on itself?" Lily asked, and I shot her a look, but she looked serious. Emma scrunched her nose.
"Uni doesn't throw up," she hissed, and Lily lifted her hands.
"My bad." She took a step away. "I'll be over here."
Ignoring her, I crouched in front of Emma and gently took Uni from her hands. "We can get Uni all clean," I promised. She sniffled and wiped her non-existent tears with the back of her hand.
"Baking soda is supposed to help," Lily said as I stood. They were on my heels as I made my way to the kitchen.
"How do you know that?" I asked over my shoulder.
"The internet is a beautiful thing," she said, and I huffed out a laugh as I opened the pantry.
