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"You're like the kid whisperer," Lily said. Eli inhaled sharply and dropped my hand, looking like he was coming out of a spell.
"You okay?" he asked Emma. She nodded and wiped her face roughly with her palms. "How did you do that?" It took me a moment to realize he was speaking to me.
"Square breathing," I muttered, as if that was a perfect explanation. And it was. But I knew he didn't understand. Not fully. I'd explain later.
After we made sure Emma really was okay.
Eli pushed to his feet and scooped Emma into his arms. She rested her head against his shoulder, looking worn out. He hadn't been this involved in our lives in a week and a small, fucked up part of me was happy she had this meltdown. At least now he wasn't hiding in his room. At least he was here. With us.
"Are you coming to the party this weekend?" he asked, pulling me from my thoughts. I blinked a few times. It took me a moment to realize he was speaking to Lily.
"Wouldn't miss it," she said, smiling tightly. I knew she'd rather be anywhere but a kid's party, but she'd be there for me, and fuck if it didn't make me love her even more.
Eli nodded a few times, but said nothing else as he made his way out of the kitchen. He murmured softly to Emma, and seconds after he disappeared into the living room, the sounds of her favorite show filled the house.
"I'm gonna head out," Lily said, throwing her thumb over her shoulder. She glanced into the living room before stepping toward me. "You should talk to him. And be honest about everything." I shook my head as she spoke, and she sighed. "He won't make the first move. It has to be you. Put it out there and let him know what you want, then the ball's in his court."
"You make it sound so easy." I huffed out a laugh. Reaching out, she grabbed my hand and gently squeezed.
"It is easy," she muttered.
Of course it was that easy for her, but not me. Could it be? Maybe. Maybe she was right. Maybe I needed to just take a risk and tell him how I felt.
I wasn't an idiot, it was obvious he felt something for me. But what? Was it anything more than lust? Than a lonely man wanting the warmth and comfort of a woman? Would he ever see me as me and not as an extension of Meredith? Would I just be a painful reminder of her?
"You're thinking too hard," Lily laughed. "I can see all the gears grinding." She wiggled her fingers by her head, making me smile. "Relax. The worst that'll happen is—"
"Is I embarrass myself so badly I have to find a hole and dive into it?" I finished, and she rolled her eyes.
"The worst that'll happen is he says he doesn't feel the same way, and you move on with your life." She gathered me into a tight hug. "You know how short life can be. Don't die with regrets."
I inhaled sharply. I couldn't remember the amount of times I'd told her that when we were growing up. As crazy and free as she could be, she was also cautious. She wasn't a risk taker. She thought I was insane for traveling the world, one yoga retreat at a time. But I thought she was crazy for staying here, in our hometown.
I think our differences were the things that made us unbreakable friends. We balanced each other out in a way we'd never found with anyone else.
Maybe my soulmate wasn't a man. Maybe it was my best friend.
That was depressing. My best friend couldn't make me come. Or maybe she could. But things hadn't gotten that bad yet.
I sighed dramatically, and she laughed as if she knew what I was thinking. She gave me another tight squeeze before letting go and leaving. I couldn't make myself move, so I stood in the kitchen for a few more minutes, just needing to breathe.
I couldn't let her get in my head. I wouldn't ruin things with Eli because I had a crush. Even though I was losing my mind, it felt wrong. But it was getting harder and harder to pretend like everything was normal between us.
"Rae?" I jolted, and spun toward the entrance to the kitchen. He'd unbuttoned his dress shirt, showing off his undershirt, and his hair was mussed. "I thought we could go out to eat for dinner."
"Yeah," I breathed, then cleared my throat. "Sounds good."
"Let me change then we can go to the diner—" I barely held in my groan. I didn't want to see my mother. He must've read my mind because his face softened. "Or we can go to the Italian place on Main." I gave him a relieved, grateful smile and nodded.
"That's perfect."
19
elliot
The spatula shookin my hand as I flipped a burger. Sweat beaded along my forehead, but I wasn't totally sure if it was from the heat of the grill or the rage boiling in my chest.
Benji laughed at something Reagan said, his hand planted firmly on her lower back, a soda casually held in the other. I hated how effortless he seemed. How nice. No one was that fucking nice, not without some monsters boiling under the surface.
