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It needed to be different. And it needed to be different from the get-go.
I didn’t even know what we were or what our futures held. My life was here now. My business, my future. Where he fit into that, I had no clue.
We really needed to talk.
Which wasn’t easy given the other clients were here, and I needed to be with them almost every waking minute of the day.
Which left night-time.
We never had any troublecommunicatingat night, if you know what I mean. When the lights went out and we found ourselves alone, our bodies communicated just fine.
That had never been an issue for us.
And maybe that was the problem. Maybe the sex was so good that we just forgot we had to talk like adults.
So that had to change as well.
No sex until we cleared the air.
If sex was even on Derek’s agenda...
And from the way he was looking at me when we got back to camp, I was pretty sure it was. He was trying to catch my eye, trying to have a silent conversation in front of the others, trying to get a minute alone.
I took the food containers into the communal kitchen to wash up and he pretended to refold the picnic blankets. Norah was hanging out by the fire pit, so Derek kept his voice down. “Can I see you?” he murmured. “When everyone’s gone to bed. I can come to your tent...”
I turned to face him. “To talk. And talk only.”
He winced but gave me a nod. “Yeah, of course.”
“Can I help with anything?” Norah asked.
I gave her a warm smile. “Nope, all done. But thanks for the offer. I’ll be heading to bed shortly, so it’ll be lights out soon.” I checked my watch. “Say ten? We’ve got another early start tomorrow.”
Those instructions were more for Derek, and with a glance at him as I walked away, he gave me another nod.
I cleaned up my cabin, not that anything was too messy, but living in such small quarters, everything had to be in its place. I scrubbed my face and brushed my teeth, then changed into my pyjama bottoms and shirt. They were kind of hokey, given they were old-man PJs with my company logo monogrammed on the breast.
I waited for Norah’s light to go out, then Derek’s, knowing he wouldn’t be far away.
My belly was full of butterflies and slippery knots. A small part of me wanted him to not show up, but a larger part of me was just about beside myself so when there was a gentle rap on the door, I almost jumped out of my own skin.
I opened the door, and Derek’s pale silhouette in the moonlight made him look hauntingly beautiful.
I stood aside and he came in, not sure whether to sit or stand. He wiped his hands on his thighs and licked his lips.
“Take a seat,” I said, gesturing to the sofa. I pulled the seat at my table out for me, figuring the distance—as small as it was—would do us good.
He sat and let out a long, steady breath. I was expecting him to not speak or to offer very little, like he used to do. But he just started to talk and, like a dam where the weight of the water was too much to bear, the wall cracked and the words spilled out.
“I knew you were here,” he said. He spoke to the floor, to his fidgeting hands. “I kept track of your social media. I followed the leads and found your business here. Sounds creepy. I’m sorry. But I had to know you were okay, and I knew you didn’t want to talk to me. It wasn’t like I could have called...”
“You could have,” I whispered.
He flinched and he took an unsteady breath. “I haven’t been doing too good since you left.” His chin wobbled a bit, but I knew he needed to say this. He needed to get this out. “I mean, I wasn’t doing too good before you left either, and I know I fucked up. I pushed you away. I push everyone away. It’s what I do, and I’m trying to not do that anymore.” He grimaced. “I got a job in an office. I hate it, but it pays the bills. It’s stifling and soul-crushing, and every day I dream of leaving. I envy you for doing what you always dreamed of doing. I know I told you that you were foolish.” He shook his head. “I was scared of losing you, and I lost you anyway. You couldn’t be the one to leavemeif I pushed you away. I should have encouraged you to do this. I should have told you how proud I was of you.” His breath trembled and his eyes met mine. Glassy, wet, vulnerable. “I’m so sorry for everything I said. For everything I did to hurt you. I don’t know why I came here. I needed to see you. I thought maybe if I did see you, you’d either tell me to fuck off or I’d see how you’d moved on without me, and maybe then I could finally move on too.”
He shook his head and a tear fell down his cheek.
“But I...” Derek swallowed hard and put his hand up, like he needed a minute. He recomposed himself. “This isn’t easy for me. Nothing like this is easy for me. I can’t talk about this shit. But I’m trying, Paul. I’m trying.”
