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I nodded. “There’s gonna be some terms and conditions. Like a whole fucking list. And we’re going to start with talking. Actual conversations about what we want and what we expect.”
He nodded, but another tear escaped down his cheek. “I just want to be with you. In whatever capacity, whatever it takes.” He wiped his cheek with the back of his hand. “I’ve never known peace except when I’m with you.”
Oh man.
My heart ached for him. I put my hand to his cheek. “Derek, your peace needs to come from here,” I said, sliding my hand down to press against his chest.
He frowned, his whole face a mask of sadness. “I know. But it’s easier when I’m with you. Just being near you makes it easier.”
I wanted to kiss him. I so badly wanted to press my lips to his, to take even the smallest of his burdens. But we weren’t there yet.
His eyes searched mine, as if he was looking for permission.
I took his hand, and holding it in both of mine, I moved an inch or two away, our legs no longer touching. “I don’t want to fall into bad habits. It’d be so easy to just fall back into bed, but then we’d never talk about anything. And there’s a lot we need to sort out.”
He nodded, and he even smiled a little. “I want to tell you everything, but there isn’t much to say. I’ve been treading water since you left. Barely keeping my head above the surface.”
“Was coming to see me like a sink or swim type of thing?”
Derek’s gaze met mine, intense and honest. He nodded. “Exactly like that. I had to try and move on, except I didn’t know how. I thought if I could just see you... If you weren’t as perfect as my memories made you out to be, or if you were with someone new.” He shrugged. “But there you were, still the same, but different. Hotter than you were. Not sure how that was possible cause you were always pretty fucking hot.”
I snorted out a laugh. “Thanks.”
“But you were happy,” he continued, smiling at me. “You were that ray of sunshine that had been missing. I’ve had nothing but gloomy skies and... grey. Everything’s been so grey. And you...” He searched my face. “You stood there by your Cruiser in your sexy Steve Irwin outfit like a ray of fucking sunshine.”
I chuckled. “Steve Irwin?”
“The khakis,” he replied. “I like them, don’t get me wrong. Not sure on the PJs though.”
I looked down at my clothes. “Hey, these are my professional pyjamas. When I first started, a storm came through in the middle of the night and took a branch down near tent one. There was an almighty crack and someone screamed. I ran out wearing some boxer briefs. And not a stitch more. Needless to say, the next day, I ordered some professional pyjamas online. That way, if I have to run out in the middle of the night, I’m wearing something a little more professional.”
“I’d prefer the boxer briefs,” he murmured.
I knew that look he was giving me.
I cleared my throat and squeezed his hand. “And this is why we need to talk. As much as I want to kiss you right now—” I shook my head. “—I don’t want to make the same old mistakes.”
He looked at the floor again and chewed on his bottom lip for a while. “What do you want to know? I’ll tell you everything. I’ve pretty much recapped the last five years. I did nothing. I saw no one. My dad’s back in jail again, so that’s something new, I guess. Well, not new. But you know what I mean. I rent a one bedder in the city. It’s okay, nothing flash.”
I didn’t really mean that kind of stuff, but I was glad he told me. “Sorry about your dad.”
“I’m not.”
I wasn’t either.
“I’ve got some money saved,” he said with a shrug. “I don’t go out and I don’t drink, so whatever I earn just sits in my account. I bought the new telescope. And that’s it. There’s nothing else to tell. I wasn’t lying when I said I was stuck, Paul. I’m just... stuck. Treading water, getting nowhere.”
I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “And what do you want to do now?”
His gaze cut to mine. “I want to be with you.”
“But how?”
“I don’t know.”
“Where will you live? What about your job? Your unit in Darwin?”
Derek shook his head. “I don’t know,” he whispered.
