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I pulled my shirt over my head. “I said I was trying to do the right thing. But I’m still me.”
He ogled my chest for a bit, then snapped out of it. He snatched up his pyjamas, went into his bathroom, and closed the door. When he came out, I was in his bed. “I take it from the book on your bedside you still sleep on the right side of the bed.”
He tried to glare at me, but with another long sigh, he walked to his side and pulled back the cover. “I’m still mad at you.”
I snuggled down and, facing him, folded my arm under my head and smiled. “You’re still sexy when you’re mad.”
He ignored that, turned the lights off, got into bed, and pulled the covers up to his waist. He stared at the ceiling for a few moments, then turned onto his side to face me. “Your hair’s longer.”
“Not deliberate,” I said with a shrug. “Just kinda stopped caring about a lot of things.”
He reached over, and with the gentlest of touches, he brushed a strand of hair from my eyes. “I like it,” he murmured. “And the tattoos.”
I studied his eyes and, even in the dark, I could see honesty staring back at me. Sure, it was hard to say this stuff out loud, but I could trust him. I’d always been able to trust him. And I was safe with him. “I’ve been trying to fill the void, ya know? Trying to find something to fill the hole in my life. Tattoos seemed like a good idea. I love the ones I have, but...” I sighed. “The fix was only temporary.”
He slid his hand over mine. “I’m sorry you had it tough.”
“Did you?” It was a stupid question to ask, but I had to know. “Did you struggle at all?”
“Of course I did. I was heartbroken. I was busy, which helped. And I loved that I could channel my energy into getting this all set up. It took a while...” He frowned. “The nights were the worst. Lonely, and the quiet and remoteness made me wonder if you were right. If I was crazy for throwing everything away and chasing a dream.”
I flinched. “I’m sorry I said that. And you know it wasn’t true.” I threaded our fingers. “I was just scared, to put it bluntly. You wanted to move on and leave me behind. I just needed to hurt you like I was hurting. It was childish, and I regret every word I said.”
“I never wanted to leave you behind. I asked you to come with me. My plan was for you and me to do this.” His lip pulled down. “But you didn’t want it.”
I let go of his hand and rolled onto my back. Telling this to the ceiling instead of looking into his eyes was so much easier. “I was scared. I was scared of change. I was scared of the unknown. Of failure. And you know why. Growing up with my dad... my entire life was an unknown.” I swallowed down the lump in my throat. “And then I met you, and I had the first permanent things in my life. A job, food, a house.”
“Hey,” Paul said, reaching over for my hand again. “Look at me.”
He waited for my eyes to meet his.
“I know. It’s why I never blamed you.” He shook his head, sadness etched on his face. Even the darkness couldn’t hide it. “I blamed me. I fucked it up because I didn’t try hard enough. I should have fought harder to show you, to prove to you.”
I rolled back onto my side to face him properly, our knees bumping. “It wasn’t your fault.”
He sighed. “No. It wasn’t yours either. We were just young, like I said. That’s all. We didn’t know how to handle it. We didn’t talk enough. I should have told you every day that I loved you, that you were worth it.”
Tears burned in my eyes. “I should have... I didn’t...” I let out a shuddered breath. “I should have told you too.”
He smiled, the silver moonlight outlining his face. “It’s not too late for us. Seeing you again, having you here with me, it’s like no time has passed at all, Derek. And I’d be lying if I said that didn’t scare the shit outta me.”
“I want it to be like it was. I want that with you,” I whispered. “But you’re right. Things need to be different this time. I need to be better this time. At saying shit out loud.”
He chuckled warmly. Sleepily. “And I need to be better too.” He put his hand to my cheek. His rough, warm hand felt divine. He stroked my cheek with his thumb, then pulled me in for a soft kiss. “Goodnight, Derek.”
“Night, Paul. I’m not sorry about my bed.”
He didn’t open his eyes, but he did smile.
And I watched him sleep. Almost scared to close my eyes in case this was all some stupid dream.
Could it have been this easy?
It wasn’t easy, Derek. You warred with yourself for a year about doing this. You struggled every minute of every day.
But he said he wants me back. Just like that.
Yeah, funny what happens when you decide to be a grownup and tell him how you feel.
