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“I love you so much,” I whispered into the misty air. “For a long time, I didn’t know who I was anymore. Between losing Hazel and then you, it was so hard for me to accept either of you being gone and out of my life forever. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through alone. I know I had my siblings, but they were going through their own despair, and I didn’t want to add mine to their grief. It wasn’t fair, but none of this is fair. Now, is it?”
With a solemn expression, I placed the flowers beside her tombstone before I rubbed my fingers over her engraved name.
“Now that Hazel is back in my life, though, I couldn’t imagine my life without her in it. I know she’ll always be the mother of my child, but I want all of her. Wake up to her in the morning and fall asleep with her at night. I want a life with her. We’re in this confusing place where she’s let me in certain aspects of her life and even in her bed… or should I say my bed? While others, she’s pushed me away entirely. Her guard is so thick I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to break it down.” I paused for a second, trying to gather my thoughts.
“I won’t lose her again, Mom. I can’t. She’s mine; a huge part of me realizes she’s always been mine. We were so young, and I wanted to do right by my best friend, yet all I did was make myself miserable for the last decade. You know… I wish every day that you were still here with us. I pray that you’ve found peace and are proud of us. None of us want to disappoint you, Mom. You were such an important part of our lives, and that hasn’t faded.”
The scent of her flowers blew through the air.
“Hazel acts like she hates me, but I can see it in her eyes. The love that she still has for me, it’s there, breathing this new life into me. I want to be the best father I can. I want to do right by both of them, but I have no idea how I’ll get her to trust me again. Sometimes it feels like she wants to but can’t, and I don’t blame her. I deserve her hatred. She knows how I feel. Except I haven’t told her I’m in love with her. I think it would scare her away, but it’s getting harder not to express how I feel when she’s right there… right in front of me.” I sighed, rubbing the back of my neck.
“You think maybe you could help me with her, Mom? Time’s flying by, and Hazel is now six months pregnant. Soon, she’ll be in her third trimester, and before we know it, our baby girl will be here. In our arms, in our lives. She’s all belly, Mom, and so fucking adorable. Although she’s starting to feel uncomfortable in her own body. She even has a cute ass waddle that I love seeing. Just thinking about her makes me smile. Pregnancy really does agree with her. Every day, she blossoms right before my eyes, and I’ve loved every second of experiencing this miracle with her.” I nodded, swallowing hard.
“I want to believe our baby was made out of love. That we had so much love between us that we made this baby out of it. Is that possible? Is that even a thing? I don’t know. It feels like it is, though. Anyway…” I kicked around my feet.
“I promise I’ll be the man and father you want me to be. My baby girl is all that matters to me outside of her mother. You should see Dad, Mom, but you probably already are. I haven’t seen him this happy in a long time. She’s your first grandchild, and I hope to give you many more with Hazel.” I smiled. “Listen, I’d appreciate any help you can give me with her. I came to see you the night before I flew out to New York, telling you how hard it would be to be in her city and not see her. And then, out of the blue, there she was. I know you did that for me. For us. I can feel it. Thank you for bringing her back into my life, and I swear to you, I’ll never hurt her again if she gives me another chance.”
Another chill blew through the air.
“She’s the love of my life like you were Dad’s. I just need a sign, Mom. I need some reassurance that I’m getting through to her. Can you give me one? I’m hanging on by a thread, and I need to know that we’ll be together as a family in the end.”
I kissed her tombstone one last time.
“I should head back home. I just wanted to stop by and see you. Tell you how much I love and miss you.”
I stood, backing away. It was always difficult to leave her there. Worried she was alone waiting for us.
On the drive back to my house, I thought about the past six months. Overnight, my world completely changed, and I couldn’t be more grateful for it. I was given a second chance, and there was no way I was fucking it up.
Anytime Hazel needed me in any way, I was at her disposal. We hadn’t had sex, but that didn’t stop me from giving her pleasure. I made her come so many times since we began whatever we were doing in the past four weeks, I lost count. Things had changed again between us, and we were in this limbo place that was driving me to the brink of insanity.
I hated feeling so out of control. I was still sleeping on the couch in my room while she slept on the bed. I wouldn’t sleep next to her until she asked me to, and she hadn’t yet.
As I walked into the house, I put my reckless thoughts on hold when I saw her sitting on the couch by herself on the phone.
“Yes,” she snapped. “I needed those samples to be delivered last week, not this weekend. The fall launch is just around the corner, and I have yet to approve one piece of the designs you were responsible for.” She paused. “No! I don’t care about your excuses. If I don’t get samples by tomorrow, you’re fucking fired.” She hung up as I walked toward her.
“Rough day?”
She jumped, turning with her hand over her heart. “You just scared the shit out of me!”
“Have I told you how sexy you are when you’re being the boss?”
She scoffed. “I hate not meeting deadlines. And the worst part is she knows that.”
“Anything I can help with?”
“No but thank you for asking. That helps.”
Without thinking twice about it, I pulled her into a tight hug. “I’m sorry you’re having a bad day.”
At first, she froze but quickly eased into my embrace.
“I fucking missed you.”
She giggled in that cute-as-shit sort of way when I started to rub my facial hair all over her neck.
“Why don’t you make your man a drink?”
