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Pushing out of my chair, I lowered onto my knees right in front of him, taking his hands in mine and holding them firmly. “Stop that.” He lifted his gaze to mine, and the sorrow in his eyes squeezed my chest to the point of pain. “What happened to that poor woman is not on you, okay? You have to stop blaming yourself.”
“It’s not that simple. I thought I knew how to do this job, but I failed her. I failed Carla, and she ended up dead. I felt like I’d lost my footing. I’d been in my own head for days by the time we ran into each other that night. I was questioning everything. Then what I felt for you—Christ, it terrified me. I’d already failed Carla. I couldn’t stop wondering what would happen if I failed you too. Or worse, if you found out and were so disappointed you couldn’t look at me anymore. So I walked away. I hurt you when that’s the last thing I ever wanted to do.”
Oh, my poor, sweet, deluded man.
“Holt, I could never think less of you.” Reaching up, I ran my fingers through the front of his silky wheat-colored hair, pushing it back off his forehead. “But you have to stop holding yourself accountable for the happiness and wellbeing of every single person you meet, baby. I hate to break it to you, but we’re all adults. It’s on us to do that for ourselves.”
I placed a finger over his lips to silence him when he started to argue. “You’re only human. No one expects you to be everything for everyone, so why would you expect that of yourself? It’s unreasonable. Your reasons for being a deputy sheriff are honorable. They’re what make you a good cop and a good protector, but they’ll also be your downfall if you let them.”
“I can’t help but think, if I’d just answered her call...” He shook his head, those shadows I’d seen in his eyes that night at Bad Alibi all those months ago were back, but I knew what I was dealing with, and I knew how to help guide him through them.
“Holton, it’s not fair to blame yourself for how things turned out, just like it wasn’t fair of her to put you in the position to be everything she needed. I know this is going to be hard to hear, but you were never going to be able to save her.”
“Baby, you don’t know that.”
“But I do. Because my mom is just like her.”
His head shot up, a crease forming between his brows as he frowned at me. I’d ripped the Band-Aid off, so all that was left was to keep going. “My father was an alcoholic. A cruel, mean drunk who didn’t care where he directed his anger and hatred of the world. He beat her until she was nothing more than a shell of a woman, and she just let him. She never did a thing to stop him. Leaving him didn’t even cross her mind. And when he got bored of beating her, he turned on Cal and me.”
Holton’s nostrils flared with rage. “Lyric—”
“Just... let me finish, okay. I need to get this out.”
He reached down, grabbing me beneath my arms and lifting me up to straddle his lap, but there wasn’t anything sexual in the way he was holding me. It was all about comfort. He knew I needed to be close to him, to feel his touch to keep me grounded. We provided that security for each other. He looped my arms around his neck and banded his arms around my waist. Once he was pleased with where he had me, he nodded for me to continue. “Tell me, Dove.”
I pulled in a fortifying breath, blinking back the tears that were burning the backs of my eyes. “I never had any friends, no sleepovers, no birthday parties, no boyfriends. It was a small town and everyone knew Boyd Jackson was a mean fucker. No one wanted to associate with his kids. Only person I ever had was Cal. With our father being drunk all the time and our mom catering to him every moment of every day when she wasn’t stitching herself back together, there was no one to look out for him, so I did it. We were all each other had.” I sniffled, struggling to get through. “He was my best friend.
“That drunk driving accident where he was hurt? My father was the one driving. I kept screaming and screaming at him to slow down, but he kept pressing on the gas.” Scenes from the accident flashed through my head like a movie reel. I could still hear the crunch of metal, smell the burning rubber and gasoline on the asphalt. I could still feel the fear that had coursed through my veins like acid that night.
“The bastard actually laughed as I begged him to slow down. He took a turn too fast, and there was a car coming from the other direction. There wasn’t any time to avoid it.”
I pulled in a deep breath, closing my eyes and counting to ten in my head to try and calm my roiling stomach. “The other man died on impact.”
Holton tucked my hair behind my ear, his fingers tracing across my jaw and down my neck. “What happened to your father after that?”
“I told the police he was the one driving. I told them he caused the accident. He was poison, and I knew that was my chance to get him out of our lives. He was arrested and charged with felony vehicular manslaughter. I didn’t know at the time that the doctors had told my mother there was little chance Cal would ever wake up. When I found out, I was devastated. He was the only person I had. He’d been my whole world for fifteen years, then he was... gone. Just like that. All because of the piece of shit who fathered us. I went to the prosecutor and told them I wanted to testify against him. The son of a bitch killed an innocent man and took my brother’s life. I wanted to make sure he paid. And do you know what my mother did when she found out?”
He shook his head, his large, warm hands cupping the sides of my neck and providing support as he lowered his head to mine.
“She slapped me across the face and accused me of betraying my family.” A caustic, bitter laugh pushed through my nostrils. “The man had beaten on her nearly every day of their marriage. He’d beat her kids, then he’d killed a man and turned her own son into a vegetable, and she blamedme. That’s why I know you wouldn’t have been able to help Carla, baby. Because my mother was just like her.”
“Christ, Dove. I’m so sorry.” He leaned in and kissed the tears from my cheeks, his expression ravaged. “I’m so fucking sorry you went through that.”
“I testified anyway. One of the best days of my life was when the jury found him guilty. He was sentenced to twenty years. I bought a bottle of Lagavulin and took it to Cal’s room at the rehab facility. I got drunk by myself in celebration.”
“What happened to your mother, baby?”
“We didn’t talk after the trial. She kept Cal on life support for years. Not because she couldn’t let go, but because I’d begged her to take him off, to let him find peace, and she wanted to punish me for taking her husband away. When he finally died, she had me banned from the funeral.” I pulled in a stuttered breath, nearly choking on the sob that worked its way up my throat. “She hated me and wanted me to suffer any way possible, and she used Cal to do it. I had to steal those ashes so I could sprinkle them in all those places he’d wanted to visit.”
Holton dragged a hand down the back of my hair. “That’s why it hurt so bad when that urn was smashed.”
I nodded, swallowing down the lump in my throat. “It was all I had. All I’d ever have. I couldn’t ask her for more. She’d get a sick thrill out of denying me. With Cal gone, there was no reason to stay. I packed everything I owned and traveled for months. Then I ended up here. I haven’t spoken a word to her, and I’m just fine with that. I left her and that miserable life behind, and I never want to look back. But I didn’t tell you that story so you’d feel sorry for me. I wanted you to see that you did the best you could, but even then, you can’t make someone do what you know is right. Carla Sanford was always going to make her own choice. It’s not on you to carry that burden, so please, baby, put it down. It’s only fair.”
He inhaled deeply, closing his eyes and bringing his forehead to mine once more. “I’ll try.”
I dragged my fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. “You know I love you, right?”
His eyes popped open, that sweet green I loved so much pushing the shadows away. “I do. You know I love you too?”
