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"Jesus, heffa! We're not even out of the damn airport and you're thinking about your first meal. And your second. And your last."
Says Mara the chef.
"Don't forget her snacks. My queen loves her snacks. Ain't that right, wifey? Ya know? All this food talk is making me hungry."
I almost jump out of my skin with excitement. I knew Abel would come to the dark side. He just needed a gentle nudge in the right direction. I pull out my list of restaurants I want to go to and nearly scream the name of number one on my hit list.
"I got you, boo. Number one best place to eat near where we're staying, voted by peeps on my handy dandy travel guide, is The Workshop Cork. Don't get me started on their hand crafted drinks. Jesus be a whole shelf of rum and vodka delights."
I start pulling Abel forward and practically run for the exit, when I catch Mara cursing me out for saying Jesus's name in the same sentence as liquor. I mean, come on, the man did turn water into wine, after all.
"If you're struck dead in the middle of the street by random lightning, you only have yourself to blame. Don't say I didn't warn you. Are you going to let us at least check into our rooms and scrub the airplane germs off our bodies before dragging us out to eat? I'm exhausted and a little grouchy. I blame the wild child, who ran screaming past me ten times on the plane, before his momma put a leash on him. Second thought, I could go for that drink, but I still demand a shower first."
Mara has a point. A nice hot shower does sound good, after a long day of traveling. Abel winks at me, so I know he's down for shower time too.
"Fine, Cranky Miss Crankerson. I'm excited to see where we're staying, anyways. Plus, our husbands are looking at us like we're snacks, so we might as well check off the first christening of Ireland."
Noah laughs. Mara doesn't. Have I told you how much I live for these moments? I must admit, Noah has brought out the inner sextress in my best friend, and I absolutely fucking love it. Every girl has a goddess inside her, even if she tries to play it down in front of others. Don't even try to deny it, ladies. We're sexual beasts, and when you find the right partner, it's the most freeing experience you'll ever have. Mark my words.
Now that I've made Mara turn ten shades of red, we grab our rental car and head to the inn we're staying at for the night. We've decided to stay in a different place each night until we reach our final and most amazing destination that I mentioned earlier. The Blarney Castle and the famous kissing stone. Seriously? Is this my life right now? Every little girl dreams of living in a castle and wearing a princess dress. We get to do both. I could cry tears of joy, but I'll save those for later.
"Why do women insist on bringing so much luggage on trips? You ladies do remember we're in a foreign country where the cars are half the size, right? I mean, who the hell needs a suitcase for just their makeup and other girly shit?"
Oh, Abel. My poor, delusional husband. This is the first long distance trip we've ever taken together, so he has a rude awakening coming his way. Girls always pack more than they need. It's just facts.
"Do you not know anything about the female species, little brother? Even I know the rules of a traveling lady."
I knew Noah was the smarter of the two, but I won't let that little tidbit slip out in front of Abel. He hates when I side with his brother on anything. It's quite comical, really. Nothing gets his blood boiling more.
Somehow, we all get loaded in the tiny car, luggage and all. Abel decides he's going to drive, against our better judgment. He's like a grandma trapped inside a hot, sexy man. I know, right? The images I conjured up are quite disturbing, trust me.
Noah gives some brotherly advice, as he says, "Just remember, brother, they drive on the opposite side of the road and faster than bats flying out of hell. Don't get us all killed because you're Sunday driving. If you go down for a triple homicide, I can't help you from the great beyond."
Mara stares in disbelief at how calm Noah speaks to Abel about our possible future demise. I know what she's thinking because I'm thinking the same thing. I just don't use my outside voice, unlike her.
"To hell with that, mister man. If your brother kills us, I'll haunt his ass and make sure he never gets a wink of sleep again. Trust me on that! Momma never lies!"
Abel's eyes grow wide and brimmed with fear. He's heard this threat before, and he knows she'll make good on it. I believe he once said he'd rather be tortured in hell with hot pokers for eternity than have Mara haunt him. She's sweet as sugar, but that one sour bite can be deadly.
We're on our way, and I must say, the Irish countryside is a vision of brilliance. It's absolutely gorgeous. Rolling green hills as far as the eye can see with beautiful old farmhouses in the backgrounds. What I wouldn't give to wake up to this every morning. Don't get me wrong, I love living near the ocean, but this is a whole new ballgame.
"This is breathtaking! God does wonders with a blank canvas, and this right here is a masterpiece."
Mara just read my mind. I knew she'd feel the same way I do, in this moment, and I can see the peacefulness shining in her eyes. How lucky am I? I have my best friends with me to experience all of this. I'd say I'm a pretty damn lucky lady. In my mess of a life, I must've done something right.
The rest of the ride to the inn is quiet, as we all take in the scenery around us. We didn't even mess with Abel and his granny driving, if you can believe that. We got two rooms at the Inn, side by side, with a connecting door. Noah and Abel think it's a game now. Jesus help me. The inn is quaint. Nothing fancy for our first night here, but it's still cute as hell and very colorful. Deciding on a short nap and shower, we agree to do dinner in a few hours after we've rested from traveling.
"Babe? I think we have a problem."
Abel is yelling at me from the bathroom. Please don't tell me he's already clogged the damn toilet. I swear, it's a weekly thing with that man, and I don't think it's normal. Or is it? Don't guys know you need to flush periodically if you're sitting on the toilet for an extended period of time? All I know is that he's going to be the one to make the call for a plunger.
I walk into the bathroom to see a butt naked Abel, standing in the shower, with a grumpy face. What the hell? Guess he didn't clog the toilet after all.
"Jesus, Abel. I thought this was a real emergency. What the hell are you frowning about?"
He looks at me, then waves his hand around the inside of the shower. I'm still at a loss here, folks.
"I'm frowning because I wanted to bang my hot wife in the shower. That's not going to happen now, seeing how I can barely fit my own ass in here, let alone yours too. Haven't the Irish ever heard of shower sex?"
