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He nods, face fierce.
“Well, Jud says I have to share my bed with all of you, and that scared me at first. But Doc and Grim and even Jud told me no one here will, you know,doanything I don’t want.”
His brows lower, and I know he feels the same. He’ll tear the head off anyone who does anything to me that I don’t want.
“For a long time, I didn’t have a say in…what happened to my body. Now I have a say.”
“Damn fuckin’ right, you have a say.”
“AndIsay I don’t want—” I swallow hard. “I’m not ready for anyone to…go inside me.” In truth, I’m hoping to work on that boundary, but the point tonight is showing Brawn that I understand.
My cheeks are hot as I blurt out my rule. It’s awkward talking about sex when you’re not, like, doing sexy things, but I guess it’s healthy. We’re having a conversation about boundaries, and it’s a healthy, normal thing. It should be, anyway. “So, I get it,” I go on quickly. “Having a rule. I get it. And I’ll respect your rule. I’ll build a whole dam of pillows between us if you want so we don’t touch in the night.” I force a smile. I’ll be cold without a strong body beside mine. I’m growing used to having living, breathing teddy bears cuddle me all night long. But I can survive one night a week of being cold if it means proving to Brawn that he can trust me.
“I don’t want pillows between us,” he growls.
Good. I don’t, either. “Whatdoyou want?”
“I want to ditch my rule. I want to make your rule my rule.” We lock gazes as it sinks in what he’s saying. Slowly, so slowly, those trembling hands lower to my legs. They make contact, light as butterflies. Under his palms, my thighs tingle. I want him to rub up and down, but he holds perfectly still. “But I’m afraid.” He pulls his hands back.
It’s hard to imagine this huge man being afraid of anything.
“What are you afraid of, Brawn?” I want to soothe his fears. I want to kiss away the pleat between his brows that looks like the number eleven.
“Ben,” he says. “When we’re alone, you can call me Ben. If you want. I’m afraid of hurting you.”
Ben. He looks like a Ben. It’s a name with no frills. It gets right to the point. It’s manly.
I’m honored he told me his real name, but I frown at his confession. He’s been so careful with me. I can’t imagine him doing anything to hurt me. Is that why he has, or had, a no touching rule?
“I’m big.” He must be able to read my confusion. “Sometimes, when things are hot, I can be rough. I don’t know my own strength. I like rough. I like a lot of things.” His wind-burned cheeks grow redder, and his eyes shine with hunger. It excites me to think of this huge man being rough and taking what I’m willing to give. “And now, with this—” His lower lip curls in disgust “This fucking Gift,” he spits. “I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt you.”
Yep. I guessed it. He’s worried he might hurt me by accident. Because we’re so different in size, and because he’s so strong. That’s…really sweet. And sad. I don’t want him worried about things that aren’t his fault.
“Your Gift can’t hurt me,” I say.
“I’m still more than twice your size. You’re fucking lovely, like a flower I want to pick and pet and kiss, but I’ll just end up crushing you.”
“Oh, Brawn—Ben. You won’t—”
He cuts me off. “You have no idea how easy it would be for me to put bruises on you or snap one of your bones. If I lose control—and it’s been so long, I’m pretty much guaranteed to lose control—I could do something we’d both regret.”
He thinks I’m lovely!
His words thrill me. Not just the compliments, but also the warning. He’s talking about passion and control, and the thought of him losing it because he wants methat muchmakes me hot inside. It also gives me an idea. It means me steppingwayoutside my comfort zone, and doing something I never imagined I’d enjoy, but if it means putting Brawn at ease, it’s worth a try.
I take a deep breath to steel myself, then I crawl out from the cage made from Brawn’s arms and body.
He’s frozen in place, on all fours like a beast stalking prey. Only his eyes move as they track me.
I’m on my knees now. I pull my shoulders back and thrust out my chin. I put as much command as I can muster into my voice. “Get up, Ben. Sit against the headboard.”
He doesn’t move. Except for his flaring nostrils. “What are you doing?”
I raise one eyebrow. “Taking charge.”
His brow furrows, and he looks at me like he’s worried I’ve lost my mind. I suppose being all bossy and confidentisout of character of me.
I break character and explain gently, “You can’t lose control if it’s not yours to begin with.”
