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“Brothers?” I feel my face scrunch up. I have—had—a brother. Justin. I would never consider thinking of a boyfriend as a brother. Ew.
Rev strokes his goatee. “Scrap, for example. He’s closest to your age. You two play together, yeah?”
I’m giving him a scrunched-up face that makes him chuckle.
“Listen to music, dance, joke around,” he elaborates. “Saw you at the party tonight. You two kids act just like siblings, minus the fighting. You have more in common than you think.” He strokes his goatee and raises one eyebrow. “You think you’re the only one ’round here who needs a daddy?”
My mouth falls open as I process what he’s saying. I think of how Scrap is always sitting near Rev, how they’re often late to dinner, how sometimes, they’re the only two missing from a gathering. “Are you and Scrap…?”Loversis the word my brain supplies, but I can’t dig up the courage to say it.
There’s that vibrating chuckle again. “Drink your tea, little one. It’s getting cold.”
He didn’t deny it. Oh, wow.Wow!
I remember my night with Scrap. “We’re all broken, baby girl,” he told me when I asked him to fix me. “Every last one of us.” And instead of helping me push my boundaries, Scrap curled up in my arms and rocked himself to sleep.
I’m staring at Rev, who’s calmly tilting his mug to get all but the dregs. His eyes are serene when he meets my disbelieving gaze.
Are he and Scrap…gay? Or, I guess, bi? Do they have sex when they’re alone? Like, in the butt? I haven’t known very many people who were gay or bi. One kid in my school was transgender, but I wasn’t close with them. Were Rev and Scrap always into men, or is that something that happened in prison? Is it ignorant for me to even wonder these things? I feel like by not having a chance to become a real adult, I’ve missed out on some crucial experiences. I feel naive.
Rev plucks my tea off the table and holds it to my lips. I take it from him and drink, but it doesn’t stop the questions from circling.
If Rev and Scrap are, like, together, where does that leave me? Do I get two nights a week off? Why does that prospect leave me disappointed?
Rev’s grinning from ear to ear. “Your face tells me what’s in your head. Don’t worry, little one. What I do outside this cabin don’t affect what I do inside this cabin. That goes for Scrap too, though he don’t know his way around a woman’s body the way I do.Oh,yes. One day, I’m gonna have you spread beneath me in ecstasy. I’ll give you the best lovin’ you’ll ever have.” He tugs at his goatee thoughtfully then adds, “Scrap can’t hold a candle to that, but I’ll give him some pointers. Maybe, when you’re feeling up to it, Daddy’ll show you two how to playrealnice together.”
My eyes pop out of my head. The things that come out of this man’s mouth! Is he saying heandScrap might spend a night with me sometime? As in all three of us,together?And did he just claim to be the best lover I’ll ever have? Jeez Louise!
I’m shocked. I’m turned on.
Rev chuckles. “Bedtime, I think.” He lifts me off him and pats my bottom. “Go get ready and meet me in the bedroom.”
I’m on autopilot as I go through the motions of brushing my teeth and using the bathroom. My mind is occupied with illicit thoughts. Like how it might look when Scrap and Rev kiss each other, when they make love. Like why that image turns my insides to molten lava.
When I get to the bedroom, Rev is laying out a pair of matching pink pajama tops and bottoms. He must have found them in my stack of presents. I haven’t worn new pajamas in forever. I can’t wait to get into them, but I’m nervous about changing in front of someone. Jud is the only one here who’s seen me completely naked, and that was only because I’d just had a bath.
I’m too skinny. I don’t like anyone seeing my scars. I don’t like my female body, because in this new world it means I’m only good for one thing. All these thoughts hold me frozen in place.
Without waiting on me, Rev slides his long arms out of his flannel shirt and drapes it on the foot of the bed. Next, he works the large oval buckle on his belt. The sound of it clinking takes me off guard. It punches through my thoughts and makes my blood run cold. The darkness that’s always ready to swallow me rushes in.
I’m freezing cold. Leon is telling me to get on the bed. Matthew is holding me so I can’t run away, but he’s not mean enough to push me onto the bed like Leon is demanding. So, Leon rips me from Matthew’s grasp and shoves me down.
I pound at him with my fists, but he’s bigger and stronger than me. He eats full meals and only gives me crumbs. My gas tank is always only a quarter full, and I don’t have the strength to fight him off.
I scream.
I’m picked up. I’m held tight. I’m wrapped in warmth. Someone is whispering into my ear. Not yelling. Not demanding.
“Daddy’s got you, baby. That’s my sweet lamb. You’re all right. Daddy’s right here. Nothin’ bad is gonna get you. Not on Daddy’s watch.”
It’s Rev. He’s wrapped around me in my big bed, stroking my hair with long, slow glides of his hand. His fingers gently trace my ear, my cheek, my throat, then they go to my crown to start a new circuit.
I stop pushing at Leon. Leon is dead. Matthew isn’t watching from a corner, masturbating then crying himself to sleep. He’s dead too.
I stop fighting and I cling to Rev. My protector. My…daddy.
“That’s a good girl. Let Daddy take care of you.” He pets me gently. His hairy legs are tangled with mine. His jeans and flannel are gone, but he’s still wearing his T-shirt and boxers. I wonder if I’ve bruised his shins with my kicking. If so, he doesn’t seem to mind.
He kisses my cheek like earlier at the door. This time, he doesn’t give me privacy to wipe away my tears. Instead, he does it for me. With his lips. Lips of steel that can sip scalding tea. Lips that tilt crookedly when he chuckles. Lips that make bold claims and ironclad promises.
