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Many things were about to go downhill. I was itching to do something, to avoid my father at all costs. But that was impossible. Hiding from the monster wasn’t going to make the monster go away. It would only make him chase me faster.
Soon enough, I found myself in a park.
The children running around—their loud laughs and their baby language—was enough to ruin my day. I’d never liked children, nor wished to have any of my own, but I couldn’t help fixating on the parents—how they showed interest in their kids, played with them, smiled and laughed with them.
My thoughts were becoming green. The more my mind dwelled on the topic, the more intense the color become.
Parental love was out of the question for me; it had never existed. I’d yearned to have a loving relationship with my parents, though but it was impossible.
I’d already killed my mother, and my father was next.
F O U R T E E N
PARANOIA crept its way into my mind.
After I’d calmed down and realized what it meant that my father, a man who rarely left Russia, was here, I couldn’t shake off the feeling of nausea. Granted, I was going to confront him either way once I decided on the day his life would end; however, that would happen on my terms,not his.
I couldn’t shake off the feeling of being followed, of being watched at all times. Even in the comfort of my home, I felt unsafe. Everywhere I looked, my mind tricked me into believing things were being misplaced, and not by me.
Father called me from time to time, and I picked up the calls. After he was done insulting me for what seemed like hours, telling me just what a useless bitch I was, he would shift to talking about my brothers. Although there were four of us, not one of us was ever good enough in his eyes.
He feared Aleksei, ignored Dominik, acted as if Viktor wasn’t his child, and hated me. All of us had too many flaws in his eyes. He resented us, probably resented having us too. He’d been happy when our mother got ill, so she couldn’t pester him for more children that would’ve been abused and neglected.
Mom got better over time, but his resentment never passed.
That was when his inhumane treatment of his children began. Aleksei and Dominik were unbreakable, and no matter what he did to them, they were able to endure it, for a long time. It was Dominik’s idea to overthrow our father but to make Aleksei the Pakhan.
Viktor never had any part in it. Regardless of the harsh treatment, he believed that our father wanted to make all of us the best versions of ourselves, to force us into becoming the best soldiers we possibly could be. To this day, Viktor worships the ground our father walks on, and he’d betray all of us in a heartbeat.
There had never been a good reason for keeping Viktor in the business, alive even. Aleksei’s best excuse was that he was family, but why was that so important? It was always more likely you’d be betrayed by a family member than a stranger.
To ensure my father couldn’t approach me, I bolted the windows and the door of my apartment shut. No one was able to come in; no one was able to leave. I kicked out Xenia, and although she protested, she couldn’t change my mind.
I was isolated and alone. It was pathetic. Years ago, I’d been begging on my knees for that torture to stop, yet right now, I was doing it to myself. All of my devices were disconnected, and I’d turned the internet off.
In the days that followed, I was all alone. It was something I’d grown used to long ago, and I didn’t mind it, because now, it was on my terms.
I was barely eating or drinking, my mind preoccupied with thoughts of everything that had happened.
I was having a manic episode. I was furious all the time. Not once did the rage subside. It kept growing and growing until I exploded, but luckily for my neighbors, my place was soundproof.
Screaming for what seemed like hours wasn’t helpful. It only gave me a sore throat, and I had no medicine, which made it almost unbearable, yet I’d spent the past two days trashing my apartment.
I’d broken the TV and the glass table, the plates and glasses. I was walking over piles of clothes, on the mess I’d created, but that wasn’t good enough. The need for chaos was overwhelming me, and after I’d destroyed everything that could be destroyed, I cried tears of anger.
I was on my bed, knees hugged to my chest. My body shook uncontrollably. I wasn’t tired and couldn’t remember the last time I’d slept. All of it was getting too much too quickly and I had no answer as to how to resolve my problems.
Of course, the easiest thing would’ve been to kill all of them and call it a day, but something was preventing me from doing that.
And I couldn’t understand what it was.
Yet, the more I thought about it, the more I forced myself to figure it out, the clearer the answer seemed to become. I would never admit it, buthewas the reason for all of it. Perhaps it was all the negative that Davorin brought, but even those negatives brought me closer to him. And I wasn’t ready to let him go.
“What the fuck happened here?”
I flinched. I was too out of it to hear anyone coming in. How the hell did he get in? I could’ve sworn there was no way in or out—both Dominik and Aleksei had tried to reach me, to come inside, but to no avail.
I didn’t know whether it was day or night. All of the blinds were closed, and my room was the darkest one, which is why I’d chosen to confine myself in it.
