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I found myself paying closer attention to Eli, really listening to what he had to say and taking an interest in his passions. I was surprised by his depth of knowledge and his eagerness to share it with me. For a little boy, he sure knew a lot. Maya put no limits on what he could read, and for that I was grateful.
As we spent more time together, I realized just how much I had been missing out on. Eli was a smart, funny, and talented kid, and I was proud to be his father. I watched him grow and learn, amazed at the person he was becoming.
One evening, as we watched a movie together in the living room when Maya was working late, Eli turned to me with a smile.
"Thanks for spending time with me, Dad," he said. "I know we haven't always been together, but I'm happy we are now."
I swallowed past the hard, painful lump in my throat.
"Me too, Eli," I said. "Me too."
We sat in comfortable silence for a moment, the only sound the crackle of the fire in the fireplace. And in that moment, I knew that my relationship with my son had changed forever. We had created happy memories together, found common ground, and built a bond that would only grow stronger with time.
As the winter wore on, and the snow began to melt, Eli and I continued to spend time together. We went for hikes in the woods, exploring the new growth that sprouted up from beneath the melting snow. We sat together in the backyard, watching the first signs of spring appear in the garden.
And as I watched Eli grow and change, I realized that I had grown and changed too. I was no longer the distant, disconnected person that I had been before to him. I was someone who was present and engaged in my son's life, someone who cared about what he cared about.
But the more time I spent with Eli, the more I couldn’t ignore another large fracture in my heart: Maya.
Our only communication was on behalf of Eli–when to pick him up, where we were going, and other logistics. And it was starting to leave a hollow feeling.
Months later, the relationship I was now building with Eli was starting to ease some of the pain and grief of what I’d lost with him for years.
And I was shocked to realize that maybe, just maybe, I was ready to approach forgiving Maya. I was starting to understand that the way I had left her so suddenly all those years ago would have made it difficult for her to trust me with something so profound.
I had been young and stupid, but had the privilege of being young and stupid. While I was bouncing between California and Colorado, carefree, chasing jobs and money, Maya had been forced to grow up and set up a stable environment for a newborn baby.
She’d done it on her own. She’d felt shehadto do it on her own. I hadn’t been someone she could rely on, and that cut me to know I had caused her so much pain.
I had accused her of stealing all the good times with Eli but I knew from the tiredness I had at the end of the day, that it wasn't all fun. I had no experience with babies, but I knew enough to know that it was a lot harder and energy sapping than all the playing and talking I was able to do with Eli now. It's all because of Maya's parenting that Eli was the amazing little boy he was today. I knew that I had to be thankful for all that Maya had done. I was sorry for all the accusations and pain that I caused her.
I tried telling myself that it didn’t matter. We could never work anyway and were better off finding a way to co-parent and move on separately.
But it did matter. Maya mattered.
Maya
As I watched Jack drive away with Eli in the backseat on an adventure to find a waterfall, I felt a now familiar mixture of emotions swirling around inside of me.
I was so happy for Eli. I was happy that he’d formed this bond with Jack and they were having fun and connecting in a way I never really thought possible.
I was happy for Jack. I was happy that he was stepping into this role he didn’t know existed for him and was an amazing father. I’d always hoped it would happen, but never believed it would be possible.
But I couldn’t help feeling sad for myself. I knew it was irrational, but it felt like they didn’t seem to need me anymore.
Jack hardly ever spoke more than two words to me when he was either picking up or dropping off Eli. And I thought it was best to keep my distance. I wanted to let them have this time.
I tried my best not to let my feelings show each time Jack picked Eli up and brought him back home. I put on a brave face and smiled, waving goodbye to them both as they drove off down the street. But inside, I felt a knot of longing and loneliness in my stomach. It was as if a part of me was missing, like a puzzle piece that had been taken away.
A couple of times, after our New Year’s Eve spent together, I’d mustered the courage to invite Jack over for dinner. But he refused, giving flimsy excuses.
Instead, he would just hug Eli goodbye and walk back to his car, leaving me standing on the porch feeling disappointed and alone.
I tried to distract myself from all these feelings by focusing on work and crushing it after my new promotion. I also focused on Eli, marveling at how fast he was growing up, especially now that Jack was in the picture. I knew Jack was more adventurous than me, and took Eli up into the mountains and on more hikes than I could get the energy to do. I was grateful. Eli was thriving, and that was what really mattered.
But for the first time in years, I found myself with a little more free time than usual and I had no idea what to do with that time. Aside from Brielle, I didn’t have friends. And I could only go have dinner with my parents so many times.
I started writing a novel that I had thought about for years, but once the excitement of starting wore off, it didn’t hold my interest all that long.
