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John’s eyes flew to mine before he looked back to Sam. “Sure, kiddo.”
When she went off, drink in hand, I found it hard to look at John and used my phone as a smokescreen instead. “I think I need to go home now.”
His left brow ticked up. “So suddenly?”
I tried to smile, but I felt hollow. “I’ve got to take care of some things from the school.”
John’s eyes clouded over, but he nodded reluctantly. “I’ll see you at the fair?”
“Count on it,” I managed before darting up to get my things and heading out.
On the drive back, I forced the riot of emotions deep down until I could barely feel them. On the outskirts of the town, I could make out the vicinity of the fairgrounds heading to the main road. The mountains stood sentinel in the distance against the darkening blue sky that would soon turn dark and star-studded.
When I got to my door, I shut the car off and—could not get out.
The way John acted a while ago made me feel like I wasn’t even his girlfriend, more like a plaything, which amplified the emptiness inside me. Indecision and emotion overwhelmed me, and while I wondered if I was overthinking, that didn’t stop me from feeling as if I were suffocating.
The warmth that once spread through me at the memory of John’s touch disappeared again, and I feared nothing would ever bring me the same kind of warmth his affection gave me.
In fact, this time might be the one time I truly had my heart broken by a fling.
* * *
Noise.
The first thing that swept over me was the noise and the smell of caramel popcorn. Large white tents and booths were up, and the aromas of burned sugar, cinnamon, and coffee were thick in the air as I passed a local coffee booth and, beyond that, rye and hops from a beer one. I passed tables of desserts, local honey, handmade toys, and small supplies for animals.
I stopped to watch a little girl hang onto her dad’s leg while he tossed rings over bottles for a prize and soon handed the child a large fluffy panda. I wandered through the fair, spotting a huge banner with West’s logo and a large mechanical bull set up for riders.
Stopping, I saw Miss Hernandez’s thick ponytail disappear around a corner. Ducking away so she didn’t see me, I hurried off to John’s corner but slowed my gait as I neared.
I’d done a lot of soul-searching last night. In the middle of feeling hurt, I forced myself to listen to a counseling session I would have given to any of the kids going through an existential crisis and realized that it was hasty—and foolish—of me to jump to conclusions.
If we get a minute, I may be able to tell him how I felt about last evening and how it hurt me. Maybe, he could explain to me what he felt too.
John’s booth was more of an enclosure with pygmy horses for kid’s rides, horseshoe ring tosses, and samples of their roasted beef for snacks while John and a few of his men talked about his business. I caught him while he was handing out a pamphlet.
“Can we talk for a moment?” I asked quietly.
His eyes were guarded, but John nodded. He looked rough around the edges, still handsome but rough; his jaw sported a three-day scruff, there were dark circles under his eyes, and his hair was unkempt as if he had raked his hand through it a million times, but he was still the most attractive man around.
“This way,” he motioned with his chin. “We can talk in private over there.”
Under the spreading oak he led us to, I felt the calming breeze fluttering through the leaves, dancing over my skin. John stepped closer and lifted his hand to touch me but dropped it at the last moment. “Are you okay?”
“No,” I replied honestly. “I’m not. That day…when we spoke to Samantha, it seemed like you…you were talking about our relationship as if it were nothing. Is it? Tell me now so I can stop myself from—” From whatexactly? I’d already told the man I was in love with him…“—thinking you feel the same about me.”
“What?” John’s eyes popped. “I never want you to feel that way. I thought I was only making it simpler for Sam. She’s been through so much lately, and I…you have to understand, I lost the love of my life the day after Harper was born. I became a dad and a widower at twenty-four with a family I had to take care of while nursing a shattered heart and in the middle of getting a company off the ground. I was numb for a while—unable to believe I would find another to care for and protect.”
He stepped closer and placed both hands on my arms. “But I can’t deny that a pang of guilt doesn’t, that I’m somehow being unfaithful to Emily, does stop me for a time or two, but the truth is, for the first time since I buried my wife, I want…I want to try with you, but I’m too chicken shit to say the words. Why? Because I know things can be ripped away in a blink of an eye, and that scares the shit out of me. I don’t think I can handle another hit to the heart like that. You deserve better.”
My heart swelled at the honesty in his words. “I understand, but are you saying…”
“Give me a little time,” he swirled his thumbs over my skin. “But the last thing I want to do is make you think what we have isn’t important or that I don’t cherish it because I do.”
With a squeeze, his hand slipped down and laced his fingers through mine. It comforted me even though a kernel of doubt still rested in my chest.
“C’mon,” John replied, his eyes clearing up. “Let’s enjoy the festival.”
