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It feels so good. Better than anything. After a few seconds, I know for sure it’s Arthur. No one smells as good as him, a mix of soap and laundry with an undernote of something faintly spicy. No one’s touch is as gentle as his, like he’s ensuring I don’t break.
No one else would feel so much like mine.
That final realization is irrational, a product of a confused and too needy brain. On its heels I once again experience all the sensations from that kiss—already starting to fade into the dark fog of my mind—and then all the hurt at his pushing me away.
It was another dream that felt real.
The lingering sense of rejection upsets me so much I choke on a sudden sob. “No. Arthur, please. Don’t leave.” I clutch at his shirt almost desperately. For a few seconds, I have no idea whether I’m existing in the current moment or in that intense dream.
“I’m not leaving, baby. I’m right here. I’m still right here.” He sounds soothing and slightly confused.
I lift my head and blink up at his face, trying to make myself think clearly. “Oh.”
“What’s the matter? Were you dreaming again?” He reaches out to palm my cheek.
I lean into his warm hand. “I... I don’t know.” My mind is getting away from me again, and I can’t trust it. A dream is just a dream no matter how real it felt. “Were we... were we kissing?”
He’s been half sitting, half lounging on the couch with me draped on top of him. But now he straightens up slightly. “No. Of course not. We were watching the movie and you fell asleep.”
“Oh.” The memory is clarifying now—tonight’s memory, the real one—but it’s still too mingled with the dream to sort out completely.
“I’m sorry.” He straightens up even more until he’s in a sitting position. By necessity, I have to sit up too. “I shouldn’t have been holding you like that without knowing whether it’s what you want. I should have—”
“Stop, Arthur. You didn’t do anything wrong. I leaned against you before I fell asleep. I... I liked it. It’s not about that at all.”
His expression relaxes visibly. “Okay. Good. Did you have a bad dream then? About... about me?”
“I don’t know what it was.” I collapse against him again, hating the complete mess of my brain at the moment, wishing it would behave the way it’s supposed to. “I’m all confused.”
Arthur wraps both arms around me and settles me more comfortably. I’m not on top of him as fully as I was before, but it still feels so nice. So needed. “It’s okay. You were asleep. Do you think you were...?” He clears his throat with a weird sound. “Were you remembering something?”
“I don’t think so. I think it was just a dream, and I can’t even remember the details of it anymore. Everything is all jumbled in my head.”
“Okay. Well, don’t worry about it. Don’t try to force it. Remember what the doctor said about letting your memories come back naturally.”
“Yeah.” I sigh and rub my face against his shirt. It’s thick and soft, and it smells just like him. The chest beneath it is firm. Breathing a little faster than normal. His heart is racing.
He runs his hand down my loose hair and then settles it on the small of my back, rubbing in tight circles there.
It feels so good I release a soft moan. Flush at the embarrassing sound but then hear myself doing it again.
“Are you okay with this?” Arthur murmurs, his voice slightly thick.
“Yeah.” I snuggle into him. “Feels good.”
“Good. Just try to relax.”
“Yeah.” I close my eyes and enjoy the feel of his hand.
“You haven’t been getting enough rest.”
“Yes, I have.”
“You’ve been through a lot. You need more rest than normal. Try to take it easy for the next couple of days.”
“Mm-hmm.” My body is heavy again. Pleasant darkness is rising behind my eyes. And nothing has ever felt as good as the firm caress of his hand on my back. “Feels so good.”
“Yeah?”
