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Research shows that more and more people are enjoying steamier times between the sheets. A recent survey conducted by Lovely confirms this. Of 4,389 adults surveyed, 67 percent said they had experimented with some type of BDSM, and 11 percent had done so in one of the exclusive clubs located in the city.
The clubs routinely are membership only. Guests are sometimes allowed, but they must be accompanied by a member and they must sign a confidentiality agreement. The clubs take the privacy of their members very seriously.
Jasmine (names changed to protect privacy), twenty-eight, is new to the scene. “I wouldn’t say I’m a submissive exactly,” she says. “This isn’t really a lifestyle for me. It’s just something I engage in sometimes. When the mood strikes me and when there’s someone that I trust to dominate me.”
Reputable clubs make security a priority. Plus, a responsible Dominant will offer their submissive a safe word. “I haven’t had to use my safe word,” Jasmine says, “but I know it’s there in case I need it. A good Dominant will always respect your safe word. But a good Dominant will also talk to you about the scene beforehand, make sure you’re comfortable with everything they’re about to do, and make sure they know your hard limits. That’s something you won’t ever do, no matter what.”
Candy, forty-seven, has visited a few BDSM clubs in the city. “They all offer different things,” she says. “For example, one of the clubs I like gives you a lot of privacy for your scenes. I’m not an exhibitionist by nature, so that’s what I prefer.”
Candy is a submissive, meaning she takes the submissive role in BDSM activities. She has played with both male and female Dominants. “I’m a late bloomer,” Candy says. “I’ve only been doing this for a few years. I got a divorce five years ago, and I wanted something different. I wanted to try something I’d never tried before, so I got online and looked around. When I found a BDSM chat room, I was intrigued.” Candy dived right in. She’s not looking for a relationship, so she plays with people—both men and women—she meets at her clubs.
According to BDSM Today by Cleric Foster, being a submissive means yielding to the Dominant; however, a submissive is far from passive or unintelligent. In fact, submissives and Dominants have equal control in a BDSM relationship. Submissives are often confident and competent and work in high-powered jobs. Their submission is limited to the bedroom. Others choose to be submissive full-time at home but maintain an outside career, sometimes in a demanding role.
Jane, another submissive, says she had difficulty finding a boyfriend who was willing to do what she craved—spank her. “My dad spanked me when I was a kid,” she says. “It wasn’t a sexual thing at all. I hated it then… But for some reason, I’ve always wanted my boyfriends to spank me.”
Jane, unlike Candy, isn’t comfortable playing with someone with whom she’s not in a relationship. “There are online sites where you can find potential partners who are interested in what you’re interested in,” she says, “and who are willing to get to know you before you engage in any kind of play. That’s where I am now. Looking for potential partners, meeting people for coffee and stuff.”
“Being the submissive partner,” says Ryan Coats, PhD, a sex therapist in Manhattan, “doesn’t necessarily come from anything that happened in your life. It can, but sometimes it’s just a kink that a person enjoys. There’s no right way to be a submissive, or to be a Dominant partner, for that matter. What is crucial is consent. It’s basically a contract between or among all parties that the Dominant will keep the submissive safe and protected at all times, and the submissive will communicate effectively to aid the Dominant in that task.”
Erik, a Dominant, has been in the lifestyle for ten years. “I like regular sex as much as the next person,” he says. “But I always felt like something was missing. I crave danger. I crave the forbidden. I crave taboo.” Erik plays with one partner at a time, but he’s not in an outside relationship with any of them. “My sub is my equal in every way, more so than in a conventional relationship in some ways. My submissive consents to everything I do. We talk beforehand about what her limits are and what my limits are. About what I expect out of the scene, about what she expects out of the scene.”
Godfrey, another Dominant, plays only with his wife of five years, who is his submissive. He’s been a Dominant most of his life. “I’ve known since I was young,” he says. “At least since puberty. When I started becoming attracted to girls, I imagined them in all these compromising positions. For a long time, I repressed those urges. It wasn’t until I was an adult, a couple of years out of college, before I realized my impulses were normal as long as I had a consenting partner.”
