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“Fuck,” he said on a rush of air and headed toward his room. Tired, Caleb checked his watch. It was late, or early, depending on how you looked at it. He undressed and turned out the light. In the darkness of the room and his mind, she came to him. He held his erect cock firmly and an image of Kitten came to him.
He imagined her downstairs; with her legs spread wide and her pussy open and wet. His cock throbbed hotly in his fist. He gripped it tight, squeezing out warm precome. He smeared it over the head. He fantasized.
He used his thumb to gently pry the small inner lips of her slippery little cunt and watched her moan. Then he slid his cock up and down her slit, covering himself in her juices, preparing them both. He leaned forward and the warmth of her breasts pressed against his naked chest.
Outside the fantasy he audibly moaned as his pace increased.
“Make love to me,” she whispered and they were suddenly in her bedroom. He reached down, pulled up her nightgown, and pushed against her with his cock. He was gentle, patiently waiting for her to relax, and her legs to drop open before he pushed again.
“I love you,” she said, with tears in her eyes. She kissed him and tangled her fingers in his hair, urging him deeper inside of her. She kept saying she loved him. He pushed himself fully inside her.
Faster and faster he stroked himself. His balls pulling themselves closer to his body ready to release the orgasm he’d been holding in for far too long.
He pumped in and out of her hot tightness, and she moaned and screamed her appreciation.
“I’m yours,” she panted, “only yours.”
It felt wrong to fantasize about such things – but Caleb didn’t care. Fantasies were all he could have and no one could take them from him. He grunted loudly as his orgasm erupted into the air, coating him in warm, sticky, semen.
Chapter Sixteen
Day 10: Evening
“I have to pee,” I say to Reed. He makes a face, but doesn’t comment. “What? People have to pee sometimes, Reed.”
“Yes,” he says drolly, “I’m aware. I just don’t understand why you feel the need to give me the specifics. A simple, ‘I need a break’ would have sufficed.”
I laugh and hop down from my bed to walk into the lavatory. Reed is a little stiff as I walk past him. He’s avoiding my eyes and purposely staring out the window. He can be such a weirdo, but I can’t help but wonder about him. I wonder what he’s like when he isn’t so wrapped up in his FBI persona.
You know what they say about the quiet ones.
I’ve been talking for hours. My mouth feels bone dry. I remove the plastic wrap from one of the cups and take a drink of water from the tap. It tastes like shit, but I swallow it anyway.
Somewhere far away in my mind, I know I should feel emotionally drained, or even weepy and sad. Mostly I just feel…nothing. I’m not sure why. I guess it’s because I know how the story ends and with every word I utter I know I’m preparing myself for the eventuality of what’s to come. It’s like I’m telling a story that happened to someone else.
I love Caleb. I love him. I don’t care anymore about the awful shit he put me through, what matters most is the fact my love for him, exists. No amount of talking or therapy will change what happened. It won’t change how I feel.
He’s gone, Livvie.
There it is. There’s the pain. It’s an ember forever burning in my heart. It’s a reminder Caleb will live forever.
I’ve cried so much over the last ten days. I’ve been living in so much agony. I know when all is said and done, when Reed has heard everything, when he and Sloan move on – I’ll be all alone with my pain and my love. But today – today I’m fine. Today I’m telling the story as if it happened to someone else.
I conclude my business in the bathroom, wash my hands and open the door. Sloan is standing in the room with Reed when I come out of the bathroom. The atmosphere seems thick, but with what, I’m not certain. Sloan is smiling, but Reed looks like someone ate his lunch out of the community fridge.
Sloan holds up a large brown sack with grease stains on the bottom. “I brought dinner,” she says to me.
“Awesome!” I say, surprised by the gesture.
Sloan smiles at me, warmly. “I know how you love the hospital food, but I figured you might appreciate some greasy burgers and fries instead.” My stomach growls in response and Sloan lifts a smug eyebrow. “Agent Reed, I know you try to stay away from the junk, so I brought you a grilled chicken salad. I hope that’s okay.”
I take the bag from Sloan and set it on the rolling bed tray so I can get to my damn burger. Otherwise, I might try to eat through the bag. I reach in and grab the loose fries at the bottom and shove them into my mouth.
“Hawt! Hawt!” I say, but I keep chewing the salty deliciousness in my mouth. To hell with first degree burns, the fries are amazing! I’m so busy stuffing my face with loose fries it takes me a moment to realize no one else is talking. I look up and see Reed and Sloan are having some sort of awkward staring contest. I think Reed is losing. Interesting.
Reed finally clears his throat and looks toward his briefcase. “Actually, I have to go. I have some emails to answer and some calls I have to make. Um, thank you, though – for the food.” Reed begins gathering his things in a hurried fashion. I’ve never seen him so…flustered, I guess is the word.
Curiouser and curiouser.
“Matthew,” Sloan begins and falters when Reed stops gathering his things just long enough to glare at her. She holds up her hands. “Agent Reed, I can’t think of anything so time sensitive it can’t wait until after you’ve had dinner.”
Reed sighs deeply, but doesn’t stop getting his papers together. “Thank you for the food, Dr. Sloan. I don’t mean to be rude or sound ungrateful, but I really do have work to do. And yes, it is time sensitive. Offices in Pakistan should be opening soon and they have information I need.”
Sloan falters, pursing her lips briefly. “Oh. I didn’t realize. I’m sorry.”
No one even notices I’m here in the room and I feel like a voyeur. Fascinating! I think of Felipe a
nd Celia’s little surveillance hobby and blush. Whatever is going on between Sloan and Reed really isn’t my business.
“Here!” I say loudly, letting them know they are being watched. I raise Reed’s salad triumphantly, and eat the loose fries on the lid. “You can take it with you.”
Sloan gives me a grateful smile, as though relieved I broke their uneasy connection. She reaches for the container and takes it from my hand. “Yes, please take the salad. You have to eat something.”
Reed looks at the salad as if he’s never eaten one before, then at Sloan and me. He is angry, and it has nothing to do with anything. He is just pissed off. He wants to be angry at Sloan, but she hasn’t given him a reason, hasn’t said or done anything revolting. Still, he’s choosing to be angry with her. Finally, he sets his briefcase down on his chair and takes the container. “Thank you,” he says.
“You’re welcome,” Sloan says, in that soft way Caleb would use on me when he was feeling fanciful. Sloan watches Reed’s face, and then her gaze skids away when he glances at her and quickly averts his eyes.
Ooooh…she likes him. It surprises me and yet not. I tend to see Dr. Sloan and Agent Reed as robots, like they have no lives. It’s interesting to see them in a new way.
Reed’s face looks a little red. I can’t believe he’s blushing. He actually looks adorable. I don’t want him to leave. I want to sit on my bed and watch the two of them squirm under my scrutiny. I mean really…it’s only fair.
“Come on, Reed, stay.” I pat the spot at the foot of my bed, grinning. He looks at me silently. If looks could kill… “You said you’d listen to the rest of my story remember?”
“I really can’t, Miss Ruiz,” he says, “but I’ll be back later. In the meantime,” he opens his briefcase and removes his recorder, “tape it for me?”
Sloan takes the recorder and nods, carefully not looking at anything. “Of course.”
Reed nods tightly and closes his briefcase again before practically running from the room. I really can’t believe what I’ve just seen.
“What the hell’s going on between you two,” I ask Sloan around a mouthful of fries. She turns her head away from the door and looks at me, startled. I wiggle my eyebrows and she laughs.
“Nothing, Livvie. Nothing at all,” she says, her voice shaky. “Now stop eating my fries and give me those.” She reaches into the bag and takes out a burger and a container of fries before she sits in Reed’s former seat.
“Mmm,” she says when she pops a fry into her mouth.
“Mmm,” I mimic and do the same. When I’m done swallowing, I jump straight to the good stuff. “So…did you really come to see me or Agent Reed?”
Sloan smiles and shakes her head. Her mouth is full, but she tries to answer me anyway. “You, of course.”
“Liar,” I tease.
Sloan shrugs. “I’m not here to talk about Reed.”
“Don’t you mean…Matthew?”
“Livvie,” she says in warning.
“Janice,” I say sarcastically. “Come on, Sloan. I’ve been telling you both some pretty deep shit. I think I’m entitled to a distraction and some gossip. Reed’s hot. I understand.”
“There’s nothing to tell,” she insists, but she’s getting pink in the face. No matter the age, what I feel is universal. You can’t fight who you’re attracted to. Sometimes, fate gets it right, and then makes you pay for it.
“Whatever. I know something’s going on. Caleb used to get upset when I’d use his name in front of other people, but, in private? Whole other story. I saw Reed’s face when you called him Matthew. He was giving you the business.”
Sloan chokes on her burger and greedily takes a sip from her drink to clear it. “Livvie!”
“Fine, fine,” I say and pick up my burger, so disappointed. The burger is so greasy and I can already feel the grease running through my veins. I moan as I chew. “You don’t have to tell me, as long as you bring me another one of these tomorrow.”
“Deal,” Sloan says and takes another bite.
We eat in companionable silence for several minutes. The occasional moan and gluttonous eye roll as our only means of communication.
Afterward, Sloan and I talk about how I’m feeling. Fine. She asks if I might be ready to talk to my mother. No. Definitely, not.
“What could be the harm?” Sloan asks. “She misses you very much.”
I look down into my lap. I’m not sad. I’m embarrassed to look Sloan in the eye and admit the truth. “I want her to suffer.”
Sloan is quiet.
“The last few months have been awful,” I continue, “I’ve been beaten, humiliated, and forced into situations no person should ever have to suffer.” I pause, brooding and getting angry at my mother. “Still, I’d live it all again, if I could change the past eighteen years with my mother. I spent so much time already, trying to make her love me, understand me. I spent so much time giving a fuck about what she thought. I’m done, Sloan. I’m done caring. It’s time for me to live my own life, my own way and I don’t want her to be a part of it.”
“What is your way?” Sloan asks. There is no emotional quality to her voice. If she’s judging me, I can’t tell. If she agrees with me, it’s also a mystery.
“I don’t know. I have no idea who I’m supposed to be anymore. I only know I don’t want to be who someone else thinks I should be.”
“Good,” Sloan says.
Sloan and I talk for a while longer before I tell her I’m tired and want to lie down. I let her hug me goodbye and perhaps…I hold on to her for just a little longer than I intended. Sloan doesn’t seem to mind.
