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Lisa giggles. "Give yourself some credit. I came down to help you get through this tough time, and instead, what do I find? A bit of a sad Denise, sure. But she's got a new job. She's been taking life at her own pace for once." Lisa smiles, setting her glass on the coffee table so I know she's serious. "This is the Denise I've missed."
"Have I been gone?" I ask her.
She shrugs. "Kind of. When you first met Dave, he seemed nice and everything. And when you had Sophia, you loved her so much that you were the happiest I think I've ever seen you. But years went by, and you started to disappear. I think Dave was just… wearing you down. And then last year, everything just went from bad to worse."
Putting her hand on mine, she smiles again. "When Sheila and I took you to The Silver Coop, this is what we were trying to do for you. Take you out of your own head. Bring you out of your anxiety."
"Well… it worked." My eyes sting with tears again, and this time, there's definitely no hiding them.
"I didn't want it to happen this way. For you to hit your lowest point. But I'm glad you're seeing yourself again, Denise. That you're no longer doing what anyone else tells you to do. You're a woman with ambition now. Just promise me you won't stop."
Setting down my own glass, I lean over and hug her tightly. "Of course not. I promise."
From now on, I will listen to my heart. Not to people like Austin and Dave, who only see what they can take. Not to the legacy of my mother. As wonderful as she was, I was never meant to be her. I can only be me.
For the first time, I feel confident knowing that what happened wasn't my fault. None of it was.
What Austin did to me. What Brett did. Even the stuff with Dave. For years, I've believed that because failure hurt, it must mean I had done something wrong. That I was responsible for it somehow. But that's not it at all.
Lots of things will hurt. They've been hurting a lot lately, after all. But I think I've finally realized that I can only control my little corner of the world. Everything seems a lot more manageable from this new place, this new perspective.
That night, Lisa heads off to the guest room to bed, and I'm left with the impossible task of going to bed alone again. It's in the darkness of the night that I hear my heart the loudest, that I know what I want deep, deep down inside.
What my soul craves is Brett.
Even without the constant reminders of him, like the way Brittany and Sheila both spoke of him, I would still want him badly. So badly that it drives me crazy.
Without Brett beside me, my life feels like something is missing. I make breakfast in the mornings, and he's not standing by the coffee machine waiting for me. When I step outside to get groceries, he's not waiting there for me in the back of a sleek black car.
I've let go of so many of the people who have hurt me. But Brett? He's the one thing I can't seem to fully let go of.
I try to distract myself and keep busy during the day. But at night, when I'm at my weakest, the positivity ebbs, and all that's left is a hunger for something I can no longer have. With him gone, it isn't just my heart that aches but every inch of my skin that he touched. It's like it remembers where he should be on me. Everything feels his absence.
The sheets are cold without the warmth of his body. I feel incomplete without his arms and legs around me, without his mouth on mine. My hands constantly recall the feeling of his hair around my fingers, the tautness of his muscles, the little scraping stubble he would have when we kissed the morning after.
And, when I am at my most lonesome, I remember the one thing that hurt the most to lose: the moment he told me he loved me. The feeling of being in love once again. That feeling was a soothing balm, a Band-Aid over all of my aches and pains, physical and emotional. And now that the bandage had been ripped away, leaving me sore and aching all over again. More so than I was before I met him.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss love the most.
* * *
The next day,as I'm washing the dishes after breakfast, Lisa makes a little squeak behind me. Looking over my shoulder, I spot her sitting on one of the stools and staring at her phone, an enormous grin on her face.
"What?" I ask. "What is it?"
"Oh." She blushes. "It's nothing. I just got a text from Sheila."
"Does she want to come over? I'll clean the wine glasses first so they're dry by the time she gets here."
Lisa snorts. "She says that she wants to take us out somewhere." Lisa bites her lip, her eyebrows furrowed.
"Where?" I ask.
"There's this new bakery opening just a few blocks from where the Sugar Breeze used to be."
"Oh." My stomach sinks.
"They're holding some kind of 'friends and family' event today, and she wants to know if we want to go check it out. See your local competition. According to her, the guy they've got running the registers is pretty hot, too."
