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I walked into the living area and made myself comfortable on the sofa. I wanted to get the preliminaries out of the way as soon as possible and get back to more pleasurable pursuits. In the meantime, I watched Livvie. Always inquisitive, my Livvie, a curious little kitten. I eyed her from my seat as she ran her long fingers along the furniture, the drapes, and the Tiffany lamp on the desk.
“Livvie.” She focused on me. Her nerves were obvious. “Come sit with me.”
She shook her head slightly.
“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”
I rested my head on my fist. I stared. On this point there would be no discussion. I’d made my request clear and I expected her to acquiesce. I wasn’t going to argue moot points. I took great pleasure in exerting my dominance. It was fun watching her squirm.
Taking my bait, Livvie filled the silence.
“Caleb… come on. You know the second I go over there you’re just going to pounce on me.” She was biting her lip again, her fingers nervously tugging on it. “Caleb? Are you even going to say anything? Oh, okay, so you’re just going to sit over there, looking all ‘you know you want me’? I’m not scared of you, Caleb.” She crossed her arms over her chest and tried her best to look intimidating. “I have pepper spray in my purse!”
I couldn’t help it. I burst into laughter.
“Oh my god, you’re such a jerk,” she said. She walked toward me and unceremoniously plopped onto the sofa. “Fine! I’m here.”
I was still holding my stomach when my laughter finally subsided and I could make eye contact without starting up again.
“I’m sorry, Livvie, I really am. You kill me. Pepper spray? I’ve tracked you all over the world and that’s what’s going to stop me—pepper spray.”
Livvie’s wide grin was my reward for all the slaps and insults she’d thrown my way during the course of the evening.
“Well, maybe it wouldn’t stop you. It would still be fun to watch you roll around on the ground crying for a while.” She shrugged. “It might still be fun.”
We laughed for little while, diffusing all the tension. I felt completely at ease by the time we were done laughing and I knew Livvie did too. Her shoulders had dropped. Her fingers had stopped fidgeting.
“I missed you, Caleb.”
“I missed you, Livvie.”
Livvie took off her heels and set them beside the sofa. As she pressed her toes into the carpet and grabbed at the thick fibers, she smiled at me. She sat up straight, bending her knees so she could sit on her feet. It was a relaxed and casual pose. It was a good sign for things to come.
“All over the world, eh? Tell me about that.”
I stared at her for a second, but I relented. It was best to get it out of the way. I took off my shoes and adopted a more comfortable pose as well. There is nothing more unattractive than having to stop getting naked to remove one’s shoes. I like to think ahead.
“Yes. I looked for you everywhere and anywhere I could think of. If you really wanted me to find you, you could have left me a note in Mexico. It was the first place I looked.” I reached out with my right hand and stroked Livvie’s cheek. I loved that she let me.
“I didn’t think it was a good idea. The FBI knew you’d left me the money. I was afraid if I left you a note they’d know you were alive. I couldn’t risk it.” She smiled, though it didn’t quite reach her eyes.
I felt many things upon hearing her words. I was touched. I was angry. I was sad.
“I’m sorry you had to go through that. They made you change your name.” I hadn’t counted on Livvie. I’d been too sick about Rafiq to believe she’d ever try to protect me.
“I like my new one.” She reached for my hand and held it on her knee. “I’d do it again, Caleb—in a heartbeat. I don’t know how you feel about it, but I want you to know I’m happy. I have a great life.”
“I guess that counts for something. If I’d let you come with me… I don’t know. I doubt you’d be the same person. I doubt you’d be as happy as you seem to be.” My own words gave me pause. I’d been right to leave her behind. Had I been right to return?
She gave me a sidelong look. Her smirk hinted at amusement, but her eyes promised retribution.
“You’re not off the hook, Caleb. If you hadn’t left me at the border with a gun, I wouldn’t have had to make a scene to get back into the country. They were barely even looking for me. So don’t give me that ‘all’s well that ends well’ bullshit.”
She got a chuckle out of me.
“Point taken. So how was your time with the FBI?” I was genuinely interested in what she had to say. I’d had some close calls in the past year. At the time, I assumed it was the FIA in Pakistan trying to find me. I was sure they didn’t appreciate Rafiq had gone missing, nor the fact he had been connected to the Zahra Bay'. I played with my life every time I went into the country. I wondered if the FBI had been looking for me too.
Livvie looked sad for a fleeting moment before she plastered a smile on her face.
“I’ll get to that. There’s a lot you should know. First, I want to know how you found me. I want to know what you’ve been up to. I don’t want to have to change my name again.”
“What happened to doing it again in a heartbeat?” I provoked.
“Don’t be an idiot,” she said and nudged me with her knee. I let out a defeated sigh.
“After Mexico, I decided to try your old neighborhood.” Livvie looked aghast. I was quick to reassure her no one had been hurt. “I didn’t talk to anyone. I couldn’t take the chance. I waited outside your former apartment building, but I realized pretty quickly your family didn’t live there anymore.” I inched a bit closer to Livvie on the sofa. I didn’t move so much she’d notice—at least not right away. “I must have scouted the bus stop for weeks, just hoping. Which, in retrospect, was pretty dumb. Why would you go back there?
“After your old neighborhood proved fruitless, I remember you talked about your friend Nicole. And before you get all huffy—I didn’t talk to her either. I just stole her laptop.”
“Caleb!” Livvie admonished.
I shrugge
d unapologetically.
“Are you glad I found you or what? Your whereabouts weren’t just going to fall out of thin air.” I practically dared her to tell me there had been another way. “I found an email that could only have come from you.” I moved a tiny bit closer. I don’t think she realized. “You sounded really sad. You mentioned going to the Eiffel Tower by yourself. Someone stole your wallet. It was months after the incident, but I still worried for you. You said you weren’t over me.”
Livvie looked away from me. She had tears in her eyes and she was working hard to make it seem as though she didn’t. While I didn’t necessarily relish her pain at the memory, it boded well for me. It made me believe there was a chance for us.
She cleared her throat and wiped at her eyes with the back of her finger.
“Ugh! I thought I was past this part. I promise I’m not quite as emotional as I used to be.” She smiled. “I guess you just bring it out of me. I like your hair. How long is it?”
“It’s camouflage. I keep it back because it annoys me when it touches my shoulders.” I didn’t want to talk about my hair. I reached up and collected a tear racing down her cheek. I drank it. I knew it didn’t make sense to her. If anything, she seemed more embarrassed. However, it was my way of taking her pain away. It was a promise. I didn’t go around drinking random tears. I’m not that creepy.
Livvie took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. Some of the tension from earlier was slinking its way back into our intimate moment.
“Some things never change I guess,” she whispered.
I moved closer, until our knees brushed. My arm rested on the back of the sofa and I was able to touch her hair with my fingers. Warmth spread through me as I watched her eyelids slide shut.
“Everything is in the process of becoming something else. It’s the law of change.” I briefly kissed Livvie’s eyelids before she could open them. “I’m in the process of becoming something else, Livvie. I hope it’s something good, something far removed from the monster you knew.”
“Wow!” Livvie said. Her tears had gotten the better of her and she raced to put distance between us. She wiped hurriedly at her cheeks. “Holy shit, Caleb. How can I keep from being a mess when you say things like that? I don’t even know how to feel.”
I smiled and moved back. I had her where I wanted her, but more than that—I had her where I needed her. In a place where she could admit she could forgive me for the past. In a place where we were possible.
Over the next several hours, I relayed the many airline tickets I had purchased to search for her. The places I had almost caught up and missed her. I told her about Germany and the café. She hadn’t been happy to hear about that one but accepted I wasn’t quite ready to approach her at the time.
She attempted to ask questions about our last days in Mexico. I was honest and told her it was too much for me to discuss so soon. I’d tell her at some point. She didn’t like it, but she used it as leverage to dodge questions about the FBI and what she’d learned about me.
For the most part we tried not to delve too deeply into subjects that were excruciating to either one of us. It was more about discovering how we felt toward one another after so much time had gone by. As our feelings became more obvious, we were able to discuss our present instead of our past. I liked that much better. I liked hearing about Livvie going to school. I listened to her talk about the endless possibilities of her future and it made me feel somewhat better about… well, everything. I would be lying if I told you I was over what happened with Rafiq—far from it. Still, it gave me a modicum of solace to know that if he had lived, Livvie’s future would not be so bright.
Too quickly, the hours had ticked by. The night had gone silent and in a few hours, pre-dawn would be approaching. My thoughts began to turn toward more carnal diversions and talking had begun to lose its appeal.
“It’s late,” she whispered. She had her feet on the sofa, her knees pulled up to her chin. Her dark eyes begged me to come closer. Her legs threatened to push me away.
I felt myself getting hard, my dick throbbing in rhythm with my heartbeat. I was transported to Felipe’s plantation in Madera. I remembered the first night I whipped her. She’d known she was in trouble and she hid under the sink. She was curled up in much the same way, eyes staring up at me, legs trembling ever so slightly. I remembered the thrill of making her surrender.
The memory filled me with mixed emotions. I had been her abuser. I had taken something from her she had been unwilling to give. I felt guilty. Yet, I also had a fondness for the memory. It had been the beginning of my exploration with Livvie. Even cowered beneath the sink, her eyes had met mine. She fought me without words. She fought my possession. It was in those moments I first saw the ghost of the boy I had been. I knew the words behind her stare: You can have my body, but you can’t have me.
I had admired her even as I was resolved to bend her to my will. She had closed her eyes at our first touch, gathering her courage.
“Look at me. I want you to look at me.”
