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I don’t think he expected tears to be my response.
He watches me with penetrating eyes, making heat rush to my face. Zane makes me feellooked at.
“You’re not alone, Mila. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.”
He has no idea how much those words mean to me. I lower my head.
“Shoot, I forgot spoons. Mind if I borrow some?” he asks, trying to sound upbeat.
“No problem.”
He steps inside my dark apartment. I think about what he’s about to see, the conclusions he’ll draw. He’ll notice the pulled-tightly-closed drapes, the empty tubs of ice cream on the coffee table, my clothes piled around the room, and the makeshift bed on the couch. It screamsthe person who lives here has given up on life.He’ll see and comprehend everything. A part of me wishes he didn’t have to know about my struggles. But isn’t that what love is all about? Loving someone during good times and bad.
When he returns, he places the spoons on the table. He grabs two small cartons of milk from a cooler tucked into a corner of the patio. I didn’t notice it earlier. He takes his seat and settles Artie on his lap.
“Where’s your baby grand?” he asks as he pours milk on his cereal.
“It’s still at Ryker’s. I don’t want to see it.”
“You still have one good hand. You could keep practicing.”
I shake my head in the negative. “I don’t want to. Lately, I’ve just been... I mean, I’m really...”
“Having a hard time,” he finishes for me.
“Yes.” Why does it hurt to admit it? I feel so weak. It shouldn’t be off-limits to admit to a bout with the Great Big Dark. Like the doctor said, a cry for help should be encouraged. It’s the time when you need people to rally around you the most. I know that now. “My parents think you’ve been here with me. I didn’t want to worry them, so I let them believe it was true.”
“As a result, no one was here with you and you’ve been alone.”
“Not completely alone. I have Artie.”
He rests his forearms on the table. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you. I should’ve known how down you would feel.”
I shrug like it’s no big deal. “You had your own problems.”
“Mine were expected. Yours were not.”
That’s true. “I’ve lost everything. I literally don’t know what to do with myself.”
“And yet you stayed here in San Francisco. Why, Mila? Why stay here?” he asks again. “Tell me the truth this time.”
“I stayed here for you.”
His eyes blink heavily. “And I haven’t been here.”
“No.”
“I’m here now. You’re my priority, Mila. Nothing matters to me as much as you do.”
“What about Debra and her accusations?”
He scoffs. “Debra’s not an issue. Her irrefutable evidence is ridiculous. Everyone knows it. She skimmed nearly a million from Martel Investments over the past ten years. She needs to be happy with what she has.”
“But the transition...”
“Is going smoothly. The hardest part is behind us. Stop worrying about me. Let’s concentrate on you.”
Even with Zane here professing his love, the Great Big Dark hasn’t lifted yet. But I think it will if I give it some time and allow people to help me. It’s all about reaching out and admitting I need help. I can’t keep this bottled up.
