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Regardless, everything inside me plummets, like I crash landed and hit the earth hard and fast. I feel blackness descend on me, invade me.
I’m a throbbing mess. My hand is throbbing and my heart is throbbing.
Worst of all, the Great Big Dark just signed a lease to join me in my apartment.
I can’t fight it anymore. I now have a roommate.
chapter thirty
~
FIVE DAYS PASS. Five days of sitting in my apartment, mindlessly watching TV, never wearing anything besides pajamas. The same pair.
And ice cream. Lots and lots of ice cream. Straight out of the tub. Who needs a bowl? They come in serving-sized tubs for a reason. I have to prop the tubs in between my feet to open them one handed. Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
No more walks. No more sunshine. I keep my blinds firmly shut, the drapes closed, my butt on the couch, my eyes on the TV, and the lights off.
I had Lucky Charms for dinner last night. They remind me of Zane. They were even better than the popcorn I had for dinner the night before.
Artie’s always on my lap, my partner in crime, my only friend. He’s my lifeline, my thread of sanity. Without him, I’d be lost.
I tell myself I’m recovering, that I need to rest. Who am I kidding? I’m wallowing in the depths of despair, the valley of the shadow of death. I’m not on vacation, I’ve built my summer home there.
I heard from Zane once. Once! He sent a text shortly after the funeral.
Zane: I’m so sorry, Mila. Forgive me. Really tough day. Crazy busy with legalities. Will see you soon. As soon as I can. We need to talk. I love you. So much.
Not a peep since. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.
I know he’s busy. With his father gone, I imagine dealing with his estate and working through the changes to his father’s company are extremely complicated. There’s so much to do when someone passes. It’s a time when all you want to do is grieve. Instead, there’s mounds of small details to take care of.
But is he really so busy that he can’t make an effort to see me? To check up on me? Another text. A quick phone call.
Anything. I only want a crumb.
I stayed here to give us a chance. He says he loves me, but his silence speaks louder than his words. Maybe I’ve already received my answer and it’s a big fat NO. Maybe that’s what his silence means.
Did Ryker reveal things Zane didn’t want me to know? And now that I do know, does he figure the game is up and it’s useless to even try? Was everything a lie? Was he simply trying to one-up his brother?
I don’t know. I’m speculating constantly, trying to reason it all out. I have too much time to dwell on it. My imagination is my worst enemy.
There’s only one thing I know for sure. Zane is not here, and I’m all alone. I’ve lost everything.
So, I’m having a pity party. And no one is invited.
Without Zane, the injury to my hand feels like a death sentence, like I no longer have a life. I’m useless and washed up. I peaked early. It’s all downhill from here.
I probably shouldn’t have portrayed such a brave face to my family during the time they were here. I gave everyone the impression I could handle this major setback.
I can’t.
I should have told them about my worries over Zane. I assured them he’d be here taking care of me once he returned from his overseas mission. Of course, I didn’t expect the way events have played out.
Mom and Dad are both very ill now. Mom’s cough turned into pneumonia and Dad has bronchitis. Neither one of them feels like talking on the phone, understandably. They’re on antibiotics and are telling me they’ll be fine soon, not to worry. Martin’s on a business trip. I don’t want to bother them with mypoor mesniveling. So, I’ve kept to myself.
The Marin Symphony found a replacement pianist. A little too quickly. They flew her in from Russia, so I wasn’t exactly easy to replace. Just quick.
Life goes on. For everyone except me. I’ve come to a screeching halt.
