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I don’t know why I put so much of the blame on her. Growing up as a girl, we socialize in a society that blames everything on women. We learn to condemn each other for the mistakes of men. For the times they purposely hurt us.
On the North Shore, the violence between women is like nothing I’ve ever heard of anywhere else. It’s more than cattiness and gossip. We go for each other’s throats. We go for the kill. I was hurt when I was just a teen because my sister and Kay were arguing over a man. Sawyer beat me up and threatened to rape me, but it was Jade who carved my skin. And I am raging at her. Because—no matter how much it shouldn’t be this way—that’s my first instinct.
It's not right, but she’s the one I can afford to blame. She’s the one I could kill with my bare hands. She’s an easy target for me and anyone else around me. It’s so wrong for me to think this way. I am aware of it, but at the end of the day, I’m not trying to be the bigger person. I’m trying to survive in a patriarchal, broken town.
“Billie,” he scolds me. “Keep your energy for your fight.”
“Fuck!” I scream, throwing whatever was left on the table against the wall. “Why?”
“Because,” Xi says calmly as he gets up too. “No matter how mad they are at her, the brothers love the fuck out of her.” And by the brothers, he means the stepbrothers, Ethan and Elliot. “And they’re not letting anyone near her. I’m pretty sure they’re planning their own type of punishment for her.”
He approaches me carefully and wraps his arms around me. “We’ll avenge you, Bil’s. I promise,” he whispers as I let myself fall into his embrace. My head lands against his chest, and I feel the tears returning.
I can’t fucking stop crying. That’s all I’ve been doing for two months. People are walking on eggshells around me, avoiding the topic, but I’m the one who always ends up bringing it up. I’m the one who ends up in tears.
Because that night was fucking traumatic.
Because I want revenge.
Because I miss Caden.
Every time he sends me song names and a time, I go to check it. I’m weak, and I check exactly what the lyrics say despite ignoring him and never answering. I know how sorry he is and how much he misses me. That’s what makes it the hardest. We could have had it all. And he fucking ruined it.
“Let me kill Caden,” Xi whispers against the top of my head. “Just give me the go-ahead, Bil’s.”
I give him the same answer I’ve given all of them a hundred times.
“No,” I rasp. “Leave him alone.”
And he will, like every other time. Because he doesn’t want to break me further than I already am.
When I go to my room, I open my conversation with Caden. It’s just texts from him. He sends me something almost every night at the same time, and I watch as, without fault, the three bubbles pop up at the bottom of my screen.
Caden: 1:15 to 1:33. Say Anything.
I know the song he’s talking about. Like the heartbroken girl I am, I go to my music app and put the Good Charlotte song on.
I listen to the lyrics he mentioned and don’t even stop the tears when they spring to my eyes. I click the repeat button on the song and lie down in my bed.
Fuck you, Caden King. For making me love you so much that I suffer every day.
“Oh my god,” Emma says, bouncing on her toes and shaking every single one of her limbs. “Bil’s, I’m so stressed right now. I can’t take this.”
I roll my eyes at her, shaking my head despite a small smile spreading on my lips. “I’m the one going in the cage, not you.”
“Yeah, I know.” She stops jumping and starts biting one of her acrylic nails instead. “But this is everything. Your whole life depends on this.”
“Not helping,” I mumble.
“I’m pretty sure they don’t call her Killer Clover for no reason, you know?”
“Alright, that’s enough,” Dickie growls. “You’re out.”
“What?” Emma snaps. “Dickie, I’m her sister. She needs me right now.”
“You’re freaking her out. Plus, I need to wrap her hands.” He steps to the side, and I say hi to the referee behind him. “Come on. Out of here,” he insists.
“I think it’s best if you go to the main room.” I nod at Emma, agreeing with Dickie. “I need to get my focus on.”
