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Swiping my hand across my face, my other arm is wrapped around my waist as if it can help keep me together. Just a little further.
I vaguely hear my name being called, but I can’t stop. Sniffling, people look at me. Refusing to let it bother me, I walk faster, allowing my hair to hide my face.
A thick arm grabs me around my waist, and I fucking lose it. “No!” I scream, stomping on the person’s foot. “Let go!”
“Gods, Pet, what the fuck,” Sidney gasps, but he pulls me closer to me.
“Please,” I keen, shaking my head as I cry. “I need a shower, hot water, I’m so dirty. Please, let me go, Sidney.”
“Dirty… Silla, what’s going on?” Letting me go abruptly, my legs buckle. Gasping, I force them to hold me until I get to a shower. Then I can crumble.
Shuddering, I keep walking. I can hear Sidney following me, but I ignore him to chant in my head.
Unworthy of love.
Disgusting human.
Dirty.
My stomach threatens to rebel,and I gag, my hand covering my mouth as I run into my room. Grabbing a towel, and my shower tote with my change of clothes, I rush back out to go to the bathroom. My stomach may still win.
“You can’t come in here,” I rasp over my shoulder, knowing he’s still behind me. Just because I can’t hear Sidney, doesn’t mean he didn’t follow me.
It’s either that I’m officially talking to air and certifiable.
“Wouldn’t Cinder like that,” I mutter to myself as I yank open the door to a shower stall.
“You’re talking to yourself, Pet,” Sidney reminds me. Hands shaking, I pull off my clothes in jerky movements. I knock into the walls a few times, and I simply add it to the other bruises I’ll undoubtedly have. My throat still burns where Lana held me in place, and my skin feels as if there’s a residue everywhere she touched me.
Swallowing a sob, I turn the water on as hot as it’ll go, welcoming the cold as I walk inside.
“Silla,” Sidney begs, his tone so different from what it was the last time he spoke to me outside of a professional manner. Covering my mouth, I can’t stifle the traitorous mewling sounds that begin. “Godsdamn it… please talk to me. Did something happen? I can handle your hurt feelings, the confused look on your face that I put there, but this brokenness is unfathomable.”
Blowing out a breath as my legs drop me on my ass, I don’t get up this time. The now scalding hot water pours over me, and still I feel dirty.
“So dirty,” I mumble, reaching outside of the shower to grab my body wash.
“Fuck this,” I hear Sidney say, and I figure he’s leaving.
“Good,” I rasp. “You don’t need this filth around you. Fuck, why can’t I get clean?”
“Because it’s dirt that you can’t see, I assume,” says Sidney in his underwear, stepping inside of the shower. Hissing, he looks down at me as I kneel in shame in front of him. “This won’t do…”
Turning the heat to a more bearable temperature, he drops to the ground without complaint. Shaking my head, I ask him not to touch me with my eyes. Grunting, he holds up his hands.
“We’ll do this your way, but I won’t let you hurt yourself,” he murmurs.
Hands shaking, I scrub my skin, until I can’t handle it and scream.
“Let’s try washing your hair, Baby Girl,” Sidney murmurs, grabbing the bottle. Holding my hand out, he shakes his head. “If you do it, you’re liable to tear your hair out, and I’m partial to it. I won’t touch you, I’ll just wash it. I promise, Silla.”
Nodding, my teeth start to chatter. The water is still warm, but my body feels so cold. Starting at the bottom so he doesn’t touch me, Sidney works his way up until he’s massaging my scalp. Sighing, I twitch uncontrollably, my muscles refusing to listen to me.
“You’re covered in goosebumps,” Sidney says disapprovingly. Reaching up to warm the water a bit more, I sigh in relief as the angry warmth hits my skin. “You don’t owe me anything, you know. Not an explanation, or your words. It’s enough that you’re letting me bear witness and help. But know this, I’m not stupid. Something happened.”
“Roses,” I whisper. “I can still smell the roses…”
Stiffening, he’s so careful as he maneuvers my head so he can wash my hair.
