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“Jesus, I didn’t realise I was that bad,” she laughs, hooking her thumb over her shoulder to the map.
“Mm, yes, you’re a regular Casanova Cal.” Shaking her head, she laughs. I let her continue her perusal. It feels really good to be home. I want to go and hug all my things. I tap on the glass of Walter’s tank. He doesn’t look impressed. No change there then.
Chapter 29
Callie
It feels totally surreal being in Daisy’s flat. Lying on her bed staring at the ceiling. My mind is conjuring all different kinds of things, mainly things that I’ve missed. I know it doesn’t do me any good wishing things had been different for us. A girl can wonder though, right?
What would our life have been like if I’d had the chance to go to university with her? I don’t think it would have taken us long to get together. Maybe after a few too many drinks at a party, one of us would have made a drunken confession leading to the other one finally opening up when we were sober. After that, we would have started dating. We would have travelled all over Scotland on the holidays, not able to go too far because we were broke students.
Eventually we would have moved out of student accommodation and into a flat together, maybe this flat. We would have squabbled about decorating, but then made up with sex in the kitchen. I would have waited until we graduated and then asked her to marry me because we both know that we are a forever couple.
The wedding would take place somewhere hot because Daisy would want to be in a light dress, feeling sand between her toes. We would have honeymooned in Europe, travelling to different countries in a campervan. When we got back to Scotland, Daisy would ask me if I wanted to start a family and I would have said yes. Daisy would carry and we would have two perfect girls because obviously she had twins. We’d have bought a big house with a garden for our three dogs, Chester, Spike and Jet.
Wow, we have an idyllic life, don’t you think? How I wish all of that had happened instead of this flaming pile of garbage. It’s possible I could go to university, and it’s possible all those things I’ve dreamed of could come true but we’ve lost out on so much precious time that can never be reclaimed. My life has been marked with cruelty and loneliness. How does that fit into a perfect life? It doesn’t. I will carry scars forever.
Daisy’s flat is lovely. Admittedly it makes me feel sad and envious. I don’t want to be bitter. That helps no one, but I can’t help what I feel. Daisy left me and started a life without me. I know she would change it if she could, but like I said, it’s not possible.
When we were travelling, I let myself think of our future. I let myself dream that we could have everything we wanted, but now I don’t know. Outside of all this, are we still us? Can I fit into Daisy’s life? What the hell am I going to do with myself? How do I answer any of these questions?
The bed dips and I feel Daisy working her way up my body. Her weight is like a comfort blanket. Her face hovers above mine and she’s looking at me with such intensity I have to close my eyes. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“I’m just overthinking,” I laugh. Her gaze remains fierce. She knows I’m trying to pass off how I’m feeling by making a joke.
“Cal.” That’s all she says. Just my name and I know I have to voice my fears.
“What if, after all this, we don’t fit? You have a life, Daisy, you have friends and a job. I have no idea what I’m going to do with myself. How can we fit?”
Shifting her body so she’s straddling my waist, she brings her hands to either side of my face. “My life is with you, Callie. I would give everything up here if that’s what needs to happen. I will follow you. Nothing in this world means more to me than you.” A lump the size of Pluto is stuck in my throat.
“Will you kiss me?” I croak out. Her lips touch mine with such tenderness, I whimper in delight. We kiss until we’re breathless. I hold her tight to me, because if I let her go I think I’ll break.
“How are you feeling about everything that’s happened?” I knew I would need to talk to her sooner rather than later about my mum’s resurrection. Letting me have time yesterday alone was appreciated. She gave me what I needed but I suppose voicing my feelings is equally important.
“I feel numb. I don’t think my brain quite knows what to do with it. Everything feels temporary. I haven’t had anything permanent for a long time. Even when I lived with Betty, it never felt permanent. I think I’m scared to trust that everything will be okay. That I have a chance to live a normal, settled life.”
That’s what it comes down to. Permanence. Nothing is permanent, I understand that, but most people are lucky enough to spend what time they have on this earth with their partners and family. As humans, we make connections that stick. I want those connections, but so far, the only one that I’ve had to cling to is the one with Daisy. What if I let myself forge a connection with my mum and it’s taken away? What if I strengthen the one with Daisy and she leaves? Am I being irrational, probably, but I’m working with what I know.
Daisy sits back on her haunches, “I say this with love, Callie,”—Well, that’s ominous—”What you’ve experienced right from when you were a little girl to now is immense. Far more than most people will ever experience. You need to talk to someone professional. I will always be here for you, but what you’re trying to process is huge.” I nod because clearly she’s right. My life has been a shit show from the start. I’m not capable of sifting through all this by myself, and I certainly don’t want to put it on Daisy’s shoulders. If I have a prayer of living anything close to a “normal” life, I’ll need help.
“I will, I promise.” She kisses me and that is enough to help settle my mind, for now.
“Let me grab some clothes and we’ll head back to Janet’s.”
“Hey, how are you with all this?” I’m not the only one who needs support.
“Oh, I’ll be seeing my therapist, for sure,” she laughs.
There is a whole lot for us both to deal with, but at least we are doing it together.
* * *
It’s been a week since we arrived in Scotland. Seven days of awkward and difficult conversations with my mum and Janet. Daisy seems to have thawed a little toward her mentor. I still feel numb. I’ve been totally honest with my mum and she seems to have taken it well. I’m sure she hoped I would see her and fall into her arms, but that’s not reality. She understands I need help to work through it all. Honestly, I don’t think I can do anything until this bloke that is supposed to be taking out Betty actually fucking does something.
So far I’ve caught up on a shitload of BBC Dramas, played video games and drunk Janet out of brandy. I’m super fucking restless and it’s pissing me off. We should be doing something. I’m tired of waiting. Mum, Janet, and Daisy have all told me I need to be patient, but it’s easy for them. Okay, that’s not fair to say. We’ve all suffered one way or the other. I get that.
Ugh, I think I’ll go scream into a pillow. That sometimes helps. I’m just about to haul my arse upstairs to complete my daily pillow scream when mum rushes in. Her face is red, tears are streaking down her face. What the fuck has happened?
