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The interior of the cab felt like a sauna, so I stripped off my shirt and tossed it to the floor. Sitting there with the windows down, letting the cool breeze flow through the car, felt amazing.
“What do you think?” I said, once she’d caught her breath enough to speak.
“That was amazing!” she gasped. “Holy shit, it was terrifying...but amazing...oh my God. Let’s go again!”
I certainly wasn’t going to deny her.
We didn’t quit until my gas was running low and my stomach had begun to loudly growl for food. We went to our usual place, a tiny Mom and Pop cafe that had the best breakfast burritos I’d ever tasted. Sitting in silence as we ate allowed the bad thoughts to creep back in, but I’d expected it. This feeling wasn’t going to go away.
This day came around every year, as inevitable as clockwork, yet it never got any easier.
Some years, like this one, it felt like it had gotten worse.
My little brother’s birthday. The brother I’d been forbidden to see since my parents kicked me out. The brother who’d been fed lies about me since he was a little kid, who probably hated me now, who probably thought his big brother had intentionally abandoned him. That was how my parents framed it.
I’dchosenthis. I’d chosen to leave, to live in sin. I could have simply followed the rules and overcome my sinful desires. The fault was on me, and probably always would be.
Most of the time, I gave little thought to the family I’d lost. But every time Charlie’s birthday rolled around, the reality of it sucker-punched me. How much I’d lost, how much they hadtakenfrom me in a fit of bigotry and rage.
The same people who had raised me to be kind, who had claimed to love me, held my hand, wiped my tears — were the same people who’d caused me so much pain it almost killed me.
My appetite fled. Jess noticed, although I tried to make it seem like I was simply full and preoccupied with my phone. When I wrapped my half-eaten burrito back into its paper, she frowned.
“So you didn’t get much sleep last night?” I said quickly, hoping to get her talking about her own problems instead of mine. I could deal with other people’s problems; I could figure out ways to solve them, I could offer advice, I could comfort. The problems I had...weren’t solvable. There were no easy answers. It was a constant process of hurt and acceptance, and year after year, I told myself that I was healing. I was improving.
But sometimes I doubted if I was healing at all. Maybe I was burying the pain, deeper and deeper, until it was so lost in the depths of my soul I couldn’t untangle it from the most natural parts of who I was.
Jess sighed. “Yeah. I got in a fight with my mom last night. Again.” I winced in sympathy as she went on. “Vincent dropped me off and she immediately started carrying on about how I smell like weed, and she was going to drug test me. Then she told me not to see any of you again, and...I kind of lost it.”
“Shit...what did you do?”
“I just yelled. A lot.” She folded her arms, glaring at her burrito as if it no longer interested her. “I told her I’m going to pay rent until I move out, which will hopefully be soon.”
A pang of worry throbbed through my chest unexpectedly. Until she moved out...soon. The uncertainty of that made my brain run in circles.
“How’s that going?” I said, trying to sound cool and casual. “Have you been looking for apartments?”
“Yeah. I mean...kind of. Sometimes.” She frowned, taking a sip of her orange juice. “It’s tricky. I was really certain I knew what I was looking for, but now...”
“Now?”
She looked at me across the table, like her lungs had frozen and only I could make her breathe again.
“Now, it’s more complicated,” she said. “I never had anything in Wickeston that I wanted to stay for, but...”
“Wickeston still isn’t worth staying in,” I said firmly. Yes, things were complicated, and I had no fucking idea what we were all going to do. But the one thing I was certain of was that Jessica Martin didn’t need to be questioning a single one of her dreams for our sake. “You’ve wanted to get to New York, and you will.”
A smile broke through the worry on her face. “Thanks, Jason. I guess I’ve just been feeling overwhelmed by everything. Work and my mom, the shit with Reagan, Alex, and Nate.”
“It’ll get better,” I said, although as soon as the words were out, I didn’t like how false they sounded.
It gets betterwas just another phrase people threw around when they didn’t know how the hell else to fix something. It gets better! Just wait and see! Just suck up the pain and let time bury it for you!
Damn, I felt like an asshole today.
But Jess nodded, and when she smiled again, I knew it was as fake as my words. “You’re right. It will.”
“But that doesn’t help what’s happening right now,” I said. “I’m sorry she’s giving you such a hard time, Jess. You don’t deserve that.”
