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“I know,” she said. “You won’t be angry forever. Only sometimes. And it won’t hurt forever either.”
“Only sometimes,” I echoed, and she nodded.
“I’m glad you brought me out here,” she said. “It means a lot that you wanted to share this with me.”
Fuck, my throat was getting choked up. Everything still felt tight and stifling — but it was like I was finallybreathing.
“Lucas.”
She held both my hands in hers. God, she was terrifyingly beautiful. She was so tender it hurt, and when she looked at me, I felt like I could shatter into pieces.
“I love you, Lucas. I love you, even if you don’t love me back. Even if you don’t completely trust me yet. Even if —”
I put my fingers against her lips, stopping her. My heart was pounding a million miles a minute, and my brain was flying as quickly, too fast to grab a single thought — except one.
“Why would you love me?” They weren’t the words I wanted to say. They weren’t tender, they weren’t soft, they weren’t the words she deserved. But I needed to know, because if I didn’t, I’d convince myself it was all a lie.
I wasn’t the person that peopleloved. I was the person who was tolerated, the one who was begrudginglyallowed. I was detestable, unpleasant, rude, and temperamental.
“Because you’ve always told me the truth,” she said. “You’re honest, but you care so much. I know you try to pretend like you don’t. And you’re so strong. You’re brave. You went through so much shit and you’re still...you’re still kind.”
“You don’t mean that.” My voice was far too weak for my liking.
“Yes, I do. Look at what you’ve done, for creatures that can’t even do anything for you in return! Most of these cats will never let you touch them; they might never trust you at all. But you’re still here, every week, making sure they’re taken care of. Making sure they have a chance. You’re trying to give them what the world never gave you.” She swallowed hard. “You showed up and talked to my mom, knowing she didn’t like you, knowing she’d judge you. And you protected me, even when I didn’t know I needed to be protected.”
Closing my eyes, I bowed my head and folded my arms, trying my damnedest to keep it all in. It was too much. God, it felt like it would crush me.
“You deserve to be loved, Lucas,” she said. She was close, and her voice was low, holding me like she was protecting me. “You deserve to be happy. You deserve to heal.”
“Goddamn it.” I hurriedly scrubbed my eyes before I put my arms around her and crushed her against my chest. I was holding her too tight, I knew it, but I feared that if I loosened my arms even a bit, she would vanish and this would all be a lie. Replaying her words repeatedly in my head, I tried to force myself to believe them, to stop questioning them.
I deserved to heal —what the fuck did I need healing from, I needed to just get over it.
I deserved to be happy —why the hell should I be happy?
I deserved to be loved —a person like me didn’t deserve love.
As if I could hide myself there, I pressed my face against her hair. It was a hell of a lot easier to be honest with her when I was angry, not when I was a blubbering mess.
“I love you too.” What fucking terrifying words. But they didn’t kill me to say, the world didn’t implode. So I said them again, to be sure. “I love you so much, Jess.” God, my stomach was in knots. “I fucking love you.” The more I said it, it was like I couldn’t stop. The words felt like weights dropping out of my mouth, making me lighter every time. “I love you so much that I can’t let you go.”
She nodded against me, and she didn’t need to say a damn thing. She loved me, and I believed her. She thought I deserved better things, nice things — and possibly for the first time in my life, I was beginning to think I deserved that too.
