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“Well, while they’re getting busy, I could go for a hot toddy and a movie,” Vincent said. “It’s getting a little chilly out. You two going to join me?”
“In a minute,” I said. Jess was settled so comfortably on my lap, with her head resting on my shoulder as she gazed up at the stars. I wanted to prolong the moment a little longer.
For several minutes after Vincent had gone inside, she and I sat there in silence. The fire had dwindled down, a few flames still licking over the smoldering coals. It had gotten significantly colder, but between the fire and our shared body heat, I was comfortable.
So comfortable that I didn’t want to get up. I could sit out there with her for hours staring up at the stars. Her fingers traced down my arm and over my hand, over the rings I was wearing.
“These are the same rings you made in high school, aren’t they?” she said. “In metal shop?”
I’d been obsessed with my metal shop class. All my other classes were AP, requiring hours of studying and piles of homework. But in metal shop, I could have fun. I could create whatever I wanted.
What I’d created were rings thick enough to be weapons. I hadn’t been a good fighter back then; I was on the smaller side, and I was damn timid. But I’d tried to emulate Lucas, because he was easily the toughest guy I knew. The way he carried himself, like no one in the world could frighten him, was admirable. I’d wanted my presence alone to be enough to intimidate people, like it was for him.
I wasn’t successful, but I’d gotten attached to wearing the rings. I liked the weight of them on my hands — my little suits of armor.
“Most of them are the same.” I pointed out the silver band on my ring finger, simpler than the other rings. “That one is from Vincent. He made it himself.”
She picked up my hand, holding it closer so she could inspect the ring in the firelight. “I didn’t know he could make jewelry. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, considering he has so many random talents.” When she lifted her eyes again, the firelight was reflected in them. “Is it an engagement ring?”
She said it with a small smile, as if she was trying not to sound too excited without knowing for certain. Her enthusiasm made me happy.
“Not exactly,” I said. “Marriage isn’t something we’re really thinking about, at least not in the traditional sense. The ring is more like...a collar that I can wear anywhere. It symbolizes devotion, love, loyalty.” Her smile widened. “So I guess it’s similar to an engagement ring, in its meaning at least.”
“Do you want a real collar someday?” she said. “Like one of those metal ones?”
“Have you been doing research into collars, Jess?” I said, and she lowered her eyes, a little blush tinting her cheeks. “Do you like the metal ones?”
She nodded. “I saw one that was rose gold. It was thin and delicate and so pretty.” Her words trailed off, and her eyes wandered too. As if she’d remembered something she didn’t like, something that made her fall silent.
“I think the ring suits me best,” I said. “I fidget too much with necklaces. They distract me.” Her hair had fallen into her face, and I brushed it back. “Is something wrong?”
“It’s just...” She took a deep breath, squeezing her hands together on her lap. “I remembered things I said to you in high school. Things I never should have said.” She lowered her head. “You remember too, don’t you?”
Insults used to roll off Jess’s tongue as easily as casual conversation. My fashion sense by the end of junior year had been stuck between “preppy private school” and “freshly-hatched punk,” which practically invited people’s comments.
“I try not to dwell on the past,” I said. I caught her chin with my fingers so I could get her to finally look up at me.
There was fear in her eyes. I hated to see it, but I couldn’t let her worry stop me from being truthful. These conversations were never meant to be comfortable, and since she’d brought it up, I could only assume she wanted to talk about it.
“I sneered at you,” she said. “I was so mean, and I barely knew you.” Her throat bobbed as she swallowed hard, looking down again. “I’m so sorry. For the things I saidanddid. For the way I made you feel. You’ve been a lot nicer than I deserve, Jason. You’ve done so much to protect me, and you really didn’t have to.”
Her words left me staring in disbelief. During all my hours with her at the gym, I felt as if she and I had developed a particular comradery, a bond that was just ours. The past was best left alone; the painful things that happened, the awful things that were said — I tried not to let them matter anymore.
But I’d also learned not to expect apologies.
“I’m not going to lie to you, Jess.” I wanted to be gentle with her, I did. But if she was bothering to apologize, to confront how uncomfortable this was, then I had to do the same. “A lot of the shit that happened in high school fucked me up. It made me insecure. It made me hate parts of myself. It wasn’t solely you that led to that. I had worse bullies than you. But...”
“But I was still a part of it,” she said. “I hurt you.”
She was choking down a lot of emotions, clearly. Tears were wavering in her eyes as if they could fall at any moment. But she held them back, keeping her voice calm.
She wasn’t trying to make this about her. She was doing everything she could to avoid making me feel like the bad guy.
“You did hurt me,” I said, and it felt like releasing a massive breath to say it. “It sucked. And for a while, I didn’t know if I could forgive you. But then...I saw you with your mom.” Her head jerked up, and she looked at me with uncertainty. “You were at a parent-teacher conference with her. I was there with my dad. You were both dressed up. I remember thinking you both looked so damn glamorous for walking around a high school. But at one point, your mom picked up your hand and scolded you about your nails. She said you were embarrassing her. That she couldn’t believe you’d go out looking like a mess.” She winced, closing her eyes for a moment. “Sometimes, hurt people end up hurting people too.”
After I’d seen that, things made more sense to me. How a girl could be so beautiful and so cruel. So confident but so terrified. How easily those insults came to her mind, as if picking apart the appearance of those around her was simply normal.
In her world, itwasnormal.
