AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I had to tell her how I felt. How I’d felt for so damn long.
A twig snapped behind me, and I flinched, abruptly turning around. My heart sped up, a sickening feeling of adrenaline flooding my veins. The light was dim, and I’d taken my contacts out already, so distant shapes were blurred.
The forest wasn’t a quiet place. It could have been an animal or the wind. But my heart wouldn’t stop pounding. My hands were sweating.
Snap.
This time, I was ready. My hand snapped to my back pocket as I dropped the wood, my blade out and ready in the second it took me to turn toward the sound.
“Woah, man!” Vincent put his hands, taking a few hurried steps back. He hadn’t been very close, thank God, but still.
“Shit.” My hand was shaking as I hurriedly put the knife away. “I’m so sorry, Vince...fuck...” That had been too close. Far too close. Brandishing a weapon in one of my best friend’s faces because I couldn’t get it the fuck together. “I didn’t hear you come out. I...You scared me.”
“Yeah, I can see that.” He caught my arm as I tried to turn away, and I winced as I looked at him. “Are you okay? You look pale and sweaty. Like a dead fish.”
“Gee, thanks.” I sighed heavily as I leaned against the woodpile, and he leaned beside me, spiders be damned. “I was just spooking myself. Jumping at shadows.”
He nodded, and I appreciated his silence. Vincent had never been pushy. It made it easier to talk when I didn’t feel obligated to do so.
“I haven’t felt right,” I said, staring off into the trees. “Not since I sawhim.”
“Your dad,” he said. He didn’t need to ask.
“It’s like part of me went into hiding that day,” I said. “The good part. The happy part. I can’t...I can’t figure out how to snap out of it. It's like cold pressure filling my chest.” I looked down at my hands, flexing my tingling fingers. “I feel disconnected. From my body, from my brain. Like I’m falling apart.”
I was glad the others were still inside. I didn’t want them to hear this. It was important to be honest, it was crucial. But they didn’t need my struggles put on them. We’d come up here to relax and unwind. The last thing I wanted to do was dump all my fears on their laps and demand they deal with it too.
They wouldn’t look at it that way. They’d want to help, but I really didn’t think they could. All the comforting words in the world wouldn’t convince my sick brain to stop being sick. It didn’t work like that.
“I get it,” Vincent said. “You’ve barely given yourself time to process it. No wonder you’re struggling.”
I frowned, looking back at him. “What do you mean?”
“Dude, your abusive father burst back into your life like the goddamn Kool-Aid man, and you dusted yourself off and kept going like it was nothing. This is the first time you’ve taken more than a day away from work in...shit, I don’t even know how long. You’re burning yourself into the fucking ground.”
Damn. He was right, but my first instinct was to tell him he was wrong. I could handle myself, and if I couldn’t, then I needed to figure it the fuck out and get my head on straight.
“Well, I can’t exactly afford downtime,” I said.
“You know our savings are fine. We have enough money set aside —”
“It’s not about money.” I shook my head. “With my dad poking his nose around, Alex causing trouble, a town full of assholes looking for an excuse to villainize us...that shit doesn’t just stop and wait for me to get it together. I can’t afford to not be okay, Vince. I need make sureweare okay. I have a business to run, a goddamn house to sell —”
“And you’ve got a family who has your back for all that shit,” he said gently. “Seriously, believe it or not, you don’t have to do it all. We’re big boys, you know? We can handle things too.”
“I know you can. But Ishouldbe able to do it. The fact that I can’t...” It made me sick I couldn’t. Made me feel like a failure.
“You’re so mean to yourself, Manson.” He chuckled, softening the sting of his words. “You’re a human being, not a god. Regardless of what Jess tells you in the bedroom.” That got me to laugh, releasing a little of my tension. “Tomorrow, I want you to relax, man. Let me be the boss for a day. I promise I won’t manage to burn the cabin down.”
“You know it’s not about me not trusting you,” I said. “It’s my brain. I can’t turn it off.”
“That’s what restraints are for,” he said, waggling his eyebrows cartoonishly. “You can’t be the boss if you’re tied up.”
It had been a long time since I’d let Vincent tie me. Restraints were hard for me to tolerate, but when he’d first learned how to work with rope bondage, I’d let him practice on me a few times. It actually was soothing, once I moved past the sickening terror of barely being able to move.
Entrusting myself to someone else’s control was one of the hardest things I’d ever needed to do. It made my hands shake again thinking about it. But I needed the release, the safety, the intimacy of letting go andtrusting.
“No pressure,” he said. “I’m only offering, if you think it would help. It might snap you out of that dark headspace.” He paused, watching the side of my face. “I want to help you, Manson. I hate seeing you like this.”
