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He nodded as he fished around in his pocket for his cigarettes. But he must have forgotten them, because he sighed heavily and began to fidget with the thin silver chain around his neck instead. “You’re not alone there. It’s been hard to think about much else.”
Bringing a new lover into the group was bound to shake things up. But this was different, and I think we all felt it. Despite our relationship with Jess having a time limit on it from the start, it didn’t feel that way anymore.
She had me thinking far further into the future than merely how long it would take Manson and Lucas to get her engine installed.
“She apologized,” I said. Lucas’s eyes widened, then swiftly narrowed.
His tone was cautious as he said, “For what?”
“Everything.”
She’d meant it, too. That was why I kept replaying that conversation in my head again and again. I wanted to give her a chance. I wanted this to work.
Lucas rested his palms against the stone on either side of me. His dark eyes looked more like caramel when the light hit them. It made them softer. Warmer.
“How did that make you feel?” he said.
“We’re talking about feelings?” I said. “Really? Have you been taking notes from Manson’s therapist?”
He hopped up on the boulder to sit beside me, giving my shoulder a shove as he scolded, “Watch your mouth. Vincent isn’t out here to save you.”
“As if I need saving.”
The look we exchanged shouldn’t have felt so damn intense. But Lucas was intense without even trying.
“It made me feel...hopeful,” I finally said, after mulling it over. “Like things are brighter. Like something has gone right.”
We sat in silence for a while. Lucas had struggled with Jess getting involved, but I couldn’t blame him. What had shocked me wasn’t that he’d been hesitant about it; it was that he’d tried so hard not to fight it too much. He could have put his foot down if he really wanted to.
“I think she’s really trying,” I said. He was plucking at a loose thread on his jeans and his fingers stilled at my words. “I think...I don’t know, I think she wants to stick around.”
“Yeah?” His fingers tightened. His nails pressed hard into the denim for a moment before they relaxed again. “I guess you’re right. She’s changed...still trying to change too, I think.” He took a deep breath, releasing it with a sigh. “It isn’t easy to rewire your own brain.”
“Takes a lot of effort,” I said. “But I managed it. I think she can too.”
“You’re different.”
“Not really. You hated my guts when you first met me. You should have seen me during freshman year, when I was still enrolled at that private school.” I shook my head. “I was Mr. Morality Police.”
“Ishouldhave met you back then,” he said. “I would have punched you in the damn mouth and set you straight.” He snickered. “Straightprobably isn’t the descriptor I should use.”
Another few moments of silence passed. Faintly, I could still hear music playing from Lucas’s phone; it sounded like Hozier, and it melded into the sounds of the trickling water and rustling leaves.
Then, he said, “I’m proud of you, Jason.”
Hurriedly reaching over, I laid the back of my hand against his forehead. “Are you sick? You must have a fever.”
He swatted my hand away, laughing at my teasing. “I’m serious! You better fucking appreciate how nice I’m being, because it ain’t natural for me. I’m going to have to start a fight with someone to balance this shit out.”
Lucas had a hard time being nice, but I had an even harder time accepting that niceness. I probably would have wept if he hadn't been looking at me.
“I appreciate that,” I said, clearing my throat so hard that I coughed. “Thanks. I...it’s, uh...thank you.”
Lucas shook his head. “You’re even worse at accepting a compliment than I am. Jesus Christ, just accept it in silence.”
So that was what I did, although I wasn’t able to keep myself from smiling like an awkward fool.
“You didn’t think I had it in me,” I said. “Back when we met. You thought I’d bail on the group.”
