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“Okay then.”
After searching for the next thirty minutes, we finally find a movie to watch about two co-workers falling in love. Well, first hate, then love, apparently. It’s not long before they’re having a hot and heavy make-out session in an elevator, and I’m squirming in my seat.
“Maybe I should change it…” I say this because the sexy scenes in this movie are…very sexy. And I am sitting inches away from Anton…
“Why?” he asks, and I keep my eyes glued to the TV. Please don’t let him see my bright red cheeks…
By the time the movie ends, I feel like a wind-up toy ready to unravel violently. I practically fly off the couch, grabbing our empty bowls and escaping to the kitchen to wash dishes.
“You okay, Saffie?” Anton asks, and I nod robotically. No, not at all. But I’m not telling him that. Anton silently starts clearing the living room of extra furniture, leaving just the couch. I finish cleaning and start heading for my room to grab my mattress, but Anton is already carrying it out. He puts it a safe distance from the fireplace and then starts making up the couch as his bed.
It’s still early, but the snow is picking up outside, and the wind is noisy as it assaults my little cottage.
I head to the bathroom to hide like the chicken I am, and when I return twenty minutes later, I see Anton has piled a few sandbags over the door, draped a large blanket over the window, and added wood to the fire.
“So we don’t have to worry if the power fails.” He shrugs. “This fireplace is the only thing my stubborn grandmother allowed me to fix before she passed.” Anton’s sigh is heavy and filled with sadness.
“Ah. That explains it. I have been wondering why it’s so modern compared to everything else.” I smile, then gesture to the kitchen appliances. “Are those your doing as well?” I ask, and he blushes.
“I got a broom to the head for that one. She went to her book club, and I snuck in and replaced everything. Her fridge was from the eighties!” He throws his hands up, chuckling. “She smacked me with the broom and then hugged me. Then somehow the sneaky old lady slipped cash into my work bag. I have no idea when! By the time I found the stash, she threatened my life if I tried to return it.”
“She set everything up,” I whisper, heading into the kitchen to grab us some more beers. I take a sip and take a seat on the couch, even though he’s got it set up for bed already. “When the lawyer showed up, my heart stopped. When he told me her plan?” I shake my head, laughing. “She saved my life.” Trying to shove the emotions back down my throat, I take long swigs of my beer until my throat no longer aches.
“I’m sorry, Sapphire.” Anton’s voice is tight with emotion as he takes a seat beside me. Our thighs touching. “I should have–”
“I wasn’t ready. I was so jaded about it all. It took the death of a woman I barely spoke to three times to pass away and leave me an exit plan for me to really wake up.” I shake my head. “I sat there shaking as a stranger watched me with so much pity in his eyes that it stole my breath.”
I take several more sips, and Anton’s warm palm squeezes my thigh, offering silent comfort.
“I went into survival mode. Fight, flight, freeze, and appease. It was a cycle that my mind was stuck in for so long. I blocked out everything just to get through the days,” I admit, and Anton nods.
“Can I ask what prompted you to message me telling me I was a–”
“Please don’t say it.” My hand snaps out and covers his lips, so his words are muffled. “I know what I said.” Tears burn my eyes. I said he was a creepy pervert obsessed with his little sister. I told him he was disgusting and repulsive…the reminder has the heartache flooding back in. I can’t hold back the tears any longer.
I throw my arms around his neck, twisted awkwardly, beer still in hand.
“I didn’t mean a single word. I sobbed the entire time Thad and your father forced me to type those horrible words. They found my journal. Read it. Used it against me. Threatened me with it. Either I…hurt you, or…” I shake my head, holding him tighter. “I’m just so sorry.”
“Shhh,” Anton strokes my back soothingly with his free hand, and when I pull away, I can see his eyes are rimmed red as well. “I should have done something…” he says again, but I just shake my head.
“Nothing you could have done,” I say with a sniffle.
There’s a long and heavy silence as we both process this moment.
“What was in your journal?” he eventually asks, surprising me. “Shit, that’s personal. Don’t answer. I was just thinking, what could be so bad in a journal that made them react in such an extreme way, but it doesn’t really matter, does it? I mean, they were obviously just looking for an excuse, or they wouldn’t have violated your privacy.” I nod but remain silent as he goes on. “You could have written anything, and they’d have found a way to twist your words against you.”
“It was a lot of things.” I want to tell him. Maybe I just need to hear someone else confirm that they were wrong, or maybe I just need to get the words out there, so I can let them go. Either way, I tell him everything. “When I was a kid, I idolized you in a lot of ways. You were strong and kind. Protective. You never let your dad hurt me, and you took the blame for shit you knew I’d done–”
“You were a kid,” he interrupts, shaking his head. “Watching them go after you for stupid shit like dumping out a soda you didn’t want to drink was fucking bullshit.”
“I know. And I think that's why I spent so much time following you around like a puppy. From the moment we met, you took care of me.” I steel my spine for the rest, taking a deep breath. “When you left, it felt like time slowed down. Every day dragged on, and I watched my mother disappear into herself slowly. She bent and bent until she broke, and your father couldn’t break her anymore.”
“Asshole,” he hisses, and I nod in agreement.
“Then he focused on breaking me. I found out they wanted me to marry Thad when I was barely seventeen. My mother begged me… ‘Don't leave, we need you, I need you…we can do this together…’” I mock, sneering. “So I agreed. I felt like I had no choice. After a few years, I was resigned to my fate, but some part of me rebelled. I refused to sleep with Thad. I suppose in a way, I cheated on him. Though, we weren’t really a couple. It’s complicated. We were engaged, but I knew he slept with other women, and I didn’t even care because it meant he left me alone.”
“Fuck,” Anton murmurs.
