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Elda closed the door behind her and stopped still. The house was silent again except for Nancy’s rattling breath. All Elda wanted to do was scream.
***
Elda picked at skin on her thumb. She couldn’t stop thoughts from whirring behind her eyes. Her phone pinged to indicate a text.
Just got to work. How are you feeling today?
The text messages from Charlie were short and scheduled. She was just a drive away, but that felt further than ever. Elda had withdrawn, not wanting to trouble her. Charlie had been busy with a case and hadn’t been able to visit for more than a week, but Elda was relieved. She wasn’t ready to put a face on for Charlie and pretend everything was bearable.
Her nan was barely conscious now, and Elda had fought to keep her at home. She didn’t want her to wake up in the middle of the night in a place she didn’t know, surrounded by weird noises and strange faces. She heard her mother’s footsteps across the landing. She’d been spending her days in bed with the TV blasting, wasting away just the same.
The conversation in the house had run dry. She had long since understood that Nancy was the oil between her and her mother, and without her, there was only friction and discomfort. She thought about the next thing to do. Her tasks had been reduced to the most basic of human survival: food, water, clean clothes, and a warm bed. She walked across the hall to check on her nan.
Her phone rang, and she only half-smiled when she saw it was Charlie.
“Hello, you.”
Elda checked the time. It was the middle of the afternoon. “You’re early. What’s wrong?”
“I’m between sessions and wanted to hear your voice. I miss you.”
Elda heard the rumble of a truck and background voices, but she couldn’t make out any words. Life was happening without her. Again.
“You okay?” Charlie asked.
“I feel hungover without having had the fun of drinking,” said Elda, balancing the phone on her shoulder.
“That’s sleep deprivation, angel. You need to get some rest.” Charlie seemed further away than usual. “I wish I was there with you.”
“I wouldn’t want you here. Mum is acting like a pissed toddler most of the time. It’s awful.” It sounded like Charlie was crossing a road, and the strangeness of the conversation occurred to Elda. Everything had begun to feel surreal in the last few days. “I spoke with the nurse earlier and told her Nan isn’t going to the hospice. I think she’d want to die here.”
“I know. You don’t have to do anything that you don’t feel comfortable with. Don’t let anyone force you to move her. If they think she needs more support, then they can provide that at home. She doesn’t need medical care. Everyone is agreed on that.”
“I wish you were here to talk to them. You sound much more convincing than me.” Elda rested her eyes on the blank wall in front of her.
“Me too. If you need me, phone the office, and ask them to set up a call. I’ll tell them that you’re discharging Nancy’s expressed wishes,” Charlie said. “I’m going to try and come on Saturday. I’m hoping to get some of this work put to bed on Friday. Then I need to pop out with one of the KCs.”
“Out where?” Elda frowned. She couldn’t understand anything normal carrying on while this was happening to her.
“Just dinner somewhere. Not sure yet.”
Elda snapped inside. So Charlie was happy going off for fancy dinners while she was left to watch her favourite person in the world slowly fade away. “Okay. Well, I’ll let you get on.”
“Hold on, I’m free now to talk to you. Don’t rush off,” Charlie said, a little breathless like she was jogging across another road.
“Charlie, things don’t just happen on your schedule. I’ve got stuff to be getting on with too. There’s lots to think about here. I have to go. Talk later if you have time.” Elda put the phone down, and her heart raced. A wave of anger had come over her, and she’d been unable to keep it at bay. She sighed and regretted cutting Charlie down. Tears came to her eyes, and she let them fall.
Elda listened at the door of the upstairs bedroom. She could hear her mother’s heavy breathing. She inched it open, expecting her to be asleep.
“What do you want, Elda?”
“Sorry, Mum, I thought you were asleep. I just came to check on you.”
“I don’t sleep.”
Elda took a breath. She didn’t want to get sucked into one of her mother’s meltdowns. They were chaotic, and she ended up saying things she didn’t mean. Or maybe she did mean them, but they were usually just hard to say. She gave a tight smile and walked across the room. Her mum was laid under the covers with her hair lank and hanging over the pillow. “Shall we open the curtains, Mum? Let some sunshine in. And maybe some air.” The room was stagnant. Her mum had been confined to the room for days now, despite Elda’s efforts to get her out. “Mum. I’m going to need you at some point. Come and see Nan.”
“I don’t want to see her. She’s already gone.”
