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“Wow. It’s so good to see you. Look at you.” He stepped toward her. “You’re so grown up. And beautiful.”
“Hi.” She swallowed.
“Hi.” He fidgeted with his keys. “Would you come in, for a cup of tea?”
“Yes. I’d like that.” She followed him inside the narrow hallway and into the living room. It was old fashioned, scuffed at the edges. But it was clean and tidy, just like him. She sighed, drinking in the relief that her dad might just be normal.
“Please, sit down.” He stared and said nothing for a long moment. “I don’t know where to start.”
Elda perched on the low sofa and set her bag on the floor. “No. I don’t really, either. But Mum gave me your address, and I would like to talk, if that’s okay?”
“I’d really like that, Elda.” He hesitated and closed his eyes. “I owe you a thousand apologies.”
She saw her own reflection in his agonised expression. “We’ll get to that.” Elda put on a brave face. She really wanted to hear what he had to say. “I just came to see if you were here.”
“Yes, okay. I’ll put the kettle on.”
He scuttled out, leaving her alone with her thoughts. For the first time in the week since her mum’s visit, Elda’s heart rate slowed. The man before her had left her younger self. He had abandoned her when she needed him most. But he had once been her protector, and she felt that now, sitting in his living room. She was shielded by the same force that had stood between her and her frenzied mother so many years ago.
She couldn’t fathom why he hadn’t had the strength to stay, or why he hadn’t taken her with him when he’d fled. But she had the time and patience to discover all these truths now that she had found him. She was willing to listen with an open mind and an open heart. She desperately wanted to forgive him if only he could explain what happened. So, this was the start of a conversation.
He returned and set down a tray with a teapot and a plate of biscuits before sitting beside her.
She smiled at the touching and welcoming hospitality. “Why did you leave me?” The question popped out before she’d had time to swirl the words around her head once more.
He stared at the teapot and swallowed, the silence between them agonising.
“It doesn’t matter. It’s all in the past.” Elda filled the dead air, cringing with every fibre of her body and not meaning a word of what she said.
“It does. You deserve answers.” He scratched at his palm. “I’m sorry. You were so little when I left, and you didn’t deserve it.”
Elda held her breath, forcing herself not to speak into the void.
“You know your mother struggled, but she hasn’t always been that way. She loved you. She still does, I’m sure of it. I wouldn’t have left if I thought otherwise.” He looked down at the fraying carpet.
“This isn’t about Mum though, is it? Please tell me. I just want to know why you went that day and never came home?” Elda bit back the rising anger, not wanting to spoil this chance now she had it. “I don’t need any more apologies, just an explanation.”
His eyes widened with what looked like fear. “I had a breakdown. I was basically useless—paralysed, mentally but also physically, in a way. I’m not blaming your mother, but her behaviour was hard to live with. It got too much, and I couldn’t cope. I ended up losing my job and then, well, everything fell apart. Your mother threatened to kick me out, and your grandmother took her side. Of course she did, I don’t blame her.”
Elda breathed through the realisation that her father had suffered, and she’d known nothing about it. “But why? What happened?”
He moved to touch her hand then withdrew quickly. “I know you’re looking for that one reason I left you, but I don’t have it. I’ve looked inside myself so many times. I’ve stared at some dark places in my head. The answers won’t come.” He sighed. “All I can tell you is that we know more about our own minds now, don’t we? Doctors and smart people, they’ve figured it all out. Sick people get treatment and support. But in those days, these things happened, and they were hushed up. Blokes couldn’t fall apart. If you pulled a sickie at work, your bloody arm better be falling off.”
“Yeah, I suppose.” Elda’s gaze darted around the room, still searching for firm foundations. “But why did you leave me with Mum? She never really got over it.” Elda held back the worst details of her mother’s behaviour.
“Kids stayed with their mothers back then, no matter how chaotic the home was. It would’ve been an impossible fight to try and keep you. And I would’ve been no use to you anyway, Elda, in the state I was in. No job. No place to sleep.”
“Mum said you didn’t love us.”
He coughed, and his jaw fell slack with obvious disbelief. “I loved you more than anything. I just had nothing for you. I was stuck on friends’ sofas for well over a year before I made it to London. By that time, you were settled. It would’ve been confusing for you, me flitting in and out of your life. You’d almost got over it all.” He pinched his eyebrows.
“I hadn’t, Dad.” Tears sprang to Elda’s eyes. “I never got over it.” She hesitantly took his hand in hers and stared at it. The touch felt so familiar and yet not. These were the hands she’d needed holding her for her whole life: supporting, helping, just being there would have made so much difference. She glanced up at him and saw his tears mirroring her own, saw his own grief and regret at the years he’d lost too. Elda had to stop thinking about the past and look to her future, but did he want to be part of it? “But maybe, I could get over it now…”
His expression brightened, and he grasped her hands tightly. “I would love to be a part of your life.” He swallowed hard, looked up at the ceiling, and blinked back his tears. “I never thought you could possibly forgive me, Elda.”
She gave a tight smile and nodded. She wasn’t sure that she could either, but he was the only one with the ability to repair the last remaining hole in her heart. And for that reason alone, she had to try.
Epilogue
