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“That’s exactly how I feel lately. Everyone is trying to push me forward, but I’m too fear-stricken to move. I keep telling my legs to go, but they won’t. So I remain exactly where I am – where it’s safe.”
“You can’t stay still for the rest of your life. You need to keep moving forward. That’s the only way you’ll get through any of this.” She squeezed herself into the chair beside me, wrapping both of her arms around me.
“How did everything get so screwed up?” I murmured.
“Life screws things up sometimes. I wish I knew why. But I have to believe that it makes us stronger.”
“Well then I should be as strong as an ox by now.”
She grabbed my face. “You are a warrior.”
“Yeah, right. Just call me Xena.”
“Xena the Warrior Princess!” She jumped to her feet. “Ayiyiyi!”
I laughed at her pathetic attempt at a battle cry. She continued to jump up and down until I was doubled over with laughter.
“I’m going to miss you,” she admitted, plopping back down next to me.
“I’ll only be a few minutes away. It’s not like I’m leaving the state.”
“I know. But it won’t be the same.”
“You’ll be happy when Brody moves in. Which, I’m assuming, will be soon.”
“This weekend.”
“My little girl is all grown up, living with her boyfriend!”
“Don’t try to change the subject. What are we going to do about your feelings for Chase?”
I groaned and covered my face with my hands.
“You’ll have to tell him.”
“There’s nothing to tell. I’m Xena, remember? Warriors don’t have boyfriends.”
“Xena actually had a girlfriend, if I remember correctly.”
“Well, I don’t want one of those either.”
“You know what scares me, Merr? I’m afraid you’re going to push Chase so far into the friend zone that he’s going to give up. And by the time you realize it all, it’s going to be too late! What happens if he gets a girlfriend? What will you feel like then?”
The thought had not crossed my mind. “I don’t know. If he wants a girlfriend, he should find one.”
“He treats you like his girlfriend. He’s falling for you, whether you acknowledge it or not. He knows you’re going through a lot, and he’s being patient right now, taking his time to not scare you away. Eventually, it’s going to get old. He won’t stay around forever.”
“I can’t rush myself into something if I’m not ready.”
“You’ll never start anything if you keep telling yourself that you’re not ready. Just jump in, with both feet.”
“I’m not like you, Shell.”
“You owe it to yourself to try to be happy.”
“The two most important people in my life left me – both parents made a conscious choice to abandon me. I’m not jumping to sign myself up for another loss.”
She stood. “Forgive me for saying this, but you need to hear it: maybe you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. All you do is mope around with this woe-is-me attitude. Believe me – I know more than anyone how awful things in your life have been. But when do you move on from them? When do you leave the past in the past instead of dragging it around everywhere with you? In case you haven’t noticed, your life isn’t shitty anymore! You’re not stuck taking care of a mentally ill parent anymore. I know you miss him, and I do, too. But he was gone long before he died. Nothing can change what has happened – you sitting here alone won’t change it. At least he isn’t in pain anymore, and at least you can live your life without coming home every night to guilt and sorrow.”
