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Baylee’s wide eyes turned to Kettle and her brows raised. “Really?” She asked.
Kettle shrugged unapologetically and then took a sip of his beer. “At least it isn’t the morning sickness anymore. That was a killer while I was at work.”
Did I forget to mention that Kettle experienced all the same symptoms I was feeling? It was awesome. Not. He whined more than a child about everything! ‘Adeline, I’m hungry.’ “Adeline, I’m tired.’ ‘Adeline, I’m horny.’
Well okay, if I was being truthful, the last one wasn’t a problem. My desire for sex went through the roof once I hit the four month mark, completely making up for the first three months when I didn’t desire it at all.
A very obnoxious scent started to waft through the air, and I knew for sure it wasn’t the fajitas that just passed by a few moments before.
“What is that smell?” I asked, eyes turning accusingly in my husband’s direction.
He shrugged. “Not me. Now that you mention it, I smell it, too.”
Every single head at the table turned to Blaise, who was now a little over fourteen months old.
She was innocently munching on some puffy Cheetos looking to all the world like she was a little princess.
Then the loudest, most abhorrent fart passed from the girls’ ass that I’d ever heard; man, woman, and child included.
What happened next was as if it was out of a movie.Shitlike that didn’t happen in real life.
Poop started to ooze from the back of the girls shoulders, over her shirt, and then even further to reach down to her stomach.
Then all hell broke loose, as it started to bubble out. The only thing stopping the noxious ooze was the strength of her little Harley onesie.
We all starred in horror, as the patrons around us ate their dinners, completely oblivious.
“What do we do?” Baylee gasped in dread.
“Take her outside to the truck. I have a couple liters of Coke in the back.” Kettle offered, surprising everyone.
It wasn’t that he suggested pouring gallons of coke to wash the shit off a toddler. It was that he even had a suggestion in the first place. Kettle was the epitome of non-helpfulness when it came to child rearing. He was the ‘cool’ guy when it came to all the kids he was around. Didn’t want to do something? Go find Kettle. He won’t make you.
“I can’t say that Coke would be the first thing I’d like to use, but it’ll work for now. I have some baby wipes to wipe off the stickiness once we get her hosed down.” Baylee nodded as she stood.
When she reached down to grab Blaise, she stopped, looking around the area for the best place to put her hands without actually touching any shit.
She finally settled on the straps to her overalls and lifted her.
Baylee was the first to leave, followed shortly by Sebastian, and then it was my turn to try to un-beach myself from the booth. Luckily, I got it on the first try, all the while Kettle laughed behind me.
“You’re such a shit head.” I said to Kettle.
Kettle ignored my comment and reached into his back pocket for his wallet. Grabbing the nearest waiter’s attention, he told her to bag our food and keep the change as he handed over a hundred dollar bill.
“We’ll be in the parking lot, just send it on out when it’s ready, please.” He instructed as he walked up to my back and then grabbed my hand.
“Mrs. Spada!” A screechy teenage voice yelled from my side, startling the ever-loving shit out of me.
Sighing, I turned and found Amanda, one of my students, facing me. She was wearing her Benton Bulldogs cheerleading uniform, and she had her hair so tight on her head that it looked painful.
“Amanda,” I said smiling at the girl. “How was the game?”
“Oh, it was great! You should’ve seen it! Jimmy Lee scored in the last fifteen seconds of the game, tying his all-time record. Then Boomer...” Amanda droned on.
I didn’t listen though, because a contraction hit me out of nowhere, nearly stealing my knees out from under me.
Kettle’s eyes narrowed on me as he took in my sweating brow, the hand clutching my stomach, and the claws I currently had sunk into Kettle’s left forearm.
